Words that have to be said ………

When life falls apart around you and you don’t have the strength to pull yourself out of the darkness. You have nothing else left to fight for. You find you have a lot of time to think over what went wrong. The blame game is played over and over again.
Between the hurt, the anger and heartache, you find it impossible to see any hope. You beat yourself up continually.
I spent the last week nearly all by myself trying to heal, its not working though, I just seem to sink deeper into the darkness that consumes me.
But what I’ve learnt from alone time is that, trying to deal with the pain is better than brushing it under the carpet.
And all though I know that I can’t handle any more heartache, which is eating away at me.
I’ve learnt a few home truths about myself.
I’ve learnt that even though I’m madly in love, that I haven’t been the best person. I’ve hurt the person who means the most to me by not giving him what he needed.
And even though at the time I believed I was doing the right thing by my job and family, I’ve ended up pushing the one person that mattered away.
I’ve learnt that I should have put trust in him and to handle the consequences that came with that, because he is much more important than any thing else in my life.
I hate myself for hurting him, for not being as open as I should be. And even though I did right by my boss and others, I let him down and in doing so I let myself down.
Lesson learnt now and a broken heart to prove it.
Self hatred joins that.
So I would like to say sorry, the biggest sorry of my life for not giving you what you needed.
I’m ready and willing to give you that now. To give you every thing you need. To open up totally and show you the things you need to see.
Ross I’m so sorry.
I love you, I never meant to hurt you.

If music be the food of love, play on.

imagesMusic has always been a massive and powerful tool in my life, in pleasure and work.
Music to me, helps on a blue day, to either help you cry or to lift your mood.
On a sun filled day, it takes you even higher, you dance and sing and don’t care who is watching.

Just one song, a few lyrics can be so intoxicating in your soul, that ever time you hear just a few seconds of the tune, it takes you back to a time and a place, memories unfold and you are lost in the meaning.

Music has played a enormous part of my relationship with Ross, from Posting “A song a day” on each others face book walls, private messages too just chilling together listening You Tube.

To me these songs below are the most important 100 songs, they are the songs I posted to Ross, each have a meaning. Something special behind them, a hidden message or a memory.

Thank You For Being A Friend
Here Comes The Sun
Sunshine City
Have A Nice Day
Dental Care
Make You Feel Better
Just One Dance
The Eve of the War
Monday Monday
Anytime You Need a Friend
Kryptonite
Brand New Day
Rock The Boat
Country House
Starry Eyed
Don’t Worry, Be Happy
Pocketful of Dreams
Over the Rainbow
Young Lust
Rock That Body
Tease Me Please Me
Sweat On My Balls
Finger of Fudge
Dancing Queen
Talk Dirty To Me
Can’t Fight The Moonlight
The World’s Not Ready
The Perfect Drug
I’m Into Something Good
Cold Coffee
Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You
Sweets For My Sweet
Kickstart My Heart
First Date
Dangerous Tonight
Let’s Get Together
Kiss Me Thru The Phone
Baby One More Time
Homeward Bound
Yes Boss
Baggy Trousers
Shakin’ All Over
Smooth Criminal
Give In to Me
Careless Whisper
I Was Made for Lovin’ You
Smooth
Bohemian Rhapsody
Breathe
The First Cut Is The Deepest
Falling In
Glad You Came
Sticky Sweet
Dr. Wanna Do
Here Without You
I’m A Believer
Count On Me
Hungry Eyes
Nothing Else Matters
Yellow Submarine
You Can Leave Your Hat On
Just A Kiss
Coming_Home
Nobody Sees (Live)
Kiss Me
Wish You Were Here
Save the Last Dance for Me
Hanging By a Moment
Them Bones
Wouldn’t It Be Nice
Nan You’re a Window Shopper
Come Fly With Me
Horsey Horsey
Only Love
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Crazy
That’s Life
FMLYHM
Acid Jazz Singer
Lazybones
Wild World
So Macho
It Will Rain
My Favorite Things
Happy Talk
Happy Together
All My Loving
Give Your Heart a Break
Thank You
Bad Medicine
Orange Sky
Moondance
I Wanna Touch U
Love You ‘Till the End
Taking Over Me
It Takes Two
Your Arms Feel Like Home
And number 100 is even more special because I made it for him, its cheesy and rubbish but its for him. Its called
“I love you Ross.”

But the most important song of all is our song.
“Thank you by Dikta”

Ross I still mean every lyric, every feeling still rides with it.