Putting it out there

Well today I wrote the most personal blog, spilling out all my work information, everything there is to know about my life as it was.
The only thing is if I upload it, am I burning all my bridges.
If time doesn’t heal, or he doesn’t want to know.
Then by putting this blog out there for Ross and the world to see, I lose all hope of every working in fashion again.
Thing is I really want him to see, I want that more than ever. Do I take the risk of messing up my whole life and future, as I’ve already lost everything that matters anyway ?

Keep checking back guys, for I am so close to uploading.

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

depressionI have spent the last few days in intense bereavement counselling.
I can truly say that I’m not sure if it has done a single thing apart from opening up wounds that I did not want to be torn apart.
Unless the women sat opposite me has been through what I am, how can she even begin to understand what my heart feels. How my soul has been wrenched from me.
Unless she has lost her life, soul mate, future, and hope. I don’t know how she can sit there and pretend she understands.
Can a text-book give you those feelings, answers and understanding.
Ok she has letters in-front of her name and degrees, but barely out of high school.
I may be wrong I don’t know her story, her life, but quoting text books doesn’t give me any reason to believe she understands what I’m feeling. How can she, she’s not me. She’s not in my body, she can’t even imagine the torment that runs through my mind.

Reflecting back on our conversations, I wondered if there is any way that without training, could my distress help others to over come depression, mourning and lose.
I have to try to get something out of these dreadful feelings, this heart ache.
Even if its to take my mind of them for just five minutes.
To stop the pain I’m riddled with.
So this morning, I have been researching depression, yes some hard facts coming your way, sorry guys but then I will give you my input on it.

Wikipedia states ……..

  • Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person’s thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being. Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt, or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions, and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains, or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may also be present. Depressed mood is not necessarily a psychiatric disorder. It may be a normal reaction to certain life events, a symptom of some medical conditions, or a side effect of some drugs or medical treatments. Depressed mood is also a primary or associated feature of certain psychiatric syndromes such as clinical depression.

NHS Choices, has some good info and put into basic English.

  • Depression is more than simply feeling unhappy or fed up for a few days.We all go through spells of feeling down, but when you’re depressed you feel persistently sad for weeks or months, rather than just a few days.Some people still think that depression is trivial and not a genuine health condition. They’re wrong. Depression is a real illness with real symptoms, and it’s not a sign of weakness or something you can “snap out of” by “pulling yourself together”.The good news is that with the right treatment and support, most people can make a full recovery.
  • How to tell if you have depression? Depression affects people in different ways and can cause a wide variety of symptoms.They range from lasting feelings of sadness and hopelessness, to losing interest in the things you used to enjoy and feeling very tearful. Many people with depression also have symptoms of anxiety.There can be physical symptoms too, such as feeling constantly tired, sleeping badly, having no appetite or sex drive, and complaining of various aches and pains. The severity of the symptoms can vary. At its mildest, you may simply feel persistently low in spirit, while at its most severe depression can make you feel suicidal and that life is no longer worth living. For a more detailed list, read more about the symptoms of depression. Most people experience feelings of stress, sadness or anxiety during difficult times. A low mood may improve after a short time, rather than being a sign of depression. Read more information about low mood and depression.

So what is feeling depressed to me ?
It’s waking up every morning, feeling sick at the thought of living another day. It’s feeling a tug in your heart, that you just can’t shift, it’s having no hope, no light and not being able to see past the minute or hour you are in. It’s drawing on every emotion and the pain over rides any goodness that may be there.
It’s hating yourself and life more than your will to live.

And no I don’t choose to feel like this, I wish I could just get on with life, like I don’t care, that I could hide my feelings and blank out everything that has happened, the good and the bad. Sorry but I can’t do that. I can’t fake my smile, I can’t hide from the heartbreak. I can’t face a day ahead of me. There just isn’t anything left to smile about, I wish I could. I wish I could blank out the last month of my life, I wish I could pull myself up, but it will take time,  but when you have lost everything in your life that made you happy, your best friend, the one person you got out of bed for, that you gave everything to, how do you pull back from that.
How can you ever love again, when you know that you will never stop loving the person you adore the most?
How can I ever recover from this ?

Ok I could pump my body full of drugs, to put me in a bubble, but that will not take the pain away, the grieving or the love.
I could lift a bottle to my mouth and drink until I forget, but Iv’e been there and done that, and it is still there in the morning.
I could try to blank out the last few years but in doing so, I loose every good thing in my life. I don’t want to forget how he made me feel, how special we were together, how delightful life was, how we connected on all the best levels.
I just want him back, I want to see him, I want to hear his voice. I want him to look at me and see me, the person who he spent all that time with, see who he laid down next to, and looked into my eyes, I want him to see my soul and the love I have for him.
I just want him back, I miss him. I cant stand to not have him in my life.

So where do I go from here ? I have no idea, none at all.
I guess just get through the hour and on to the next.

Depression or what ever you call this feeling is one nasty, damn right nasty BI***.