Our second date – Someday when the pages of my life end, I know that you will be the most beautiful chapters.

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12th June 2012

What an amazing day, well few hours that we got to spend together and whoop the rain didn’t stop play.

Was nervous there for a minute with all that rain on Monday, when I saw the photos of the floods, I was sure I wasn’t going to get to you.
(Thank you Mother Nature for giving us a helping hand in surprising him)
Got to tell you when I arrived at yours my tummy was in knots, I knew you were disappointed that you thought I couldn’t come.
 I’m sorry babes, but the look on your face when I walked into your room was a picture. One I will never forget.
There you were music blasting, dancing around your room.
I will never forget that moment.
It was so fantastic to see you, and to see the joy in your eyes which mirrored mine. Hee hee, we are so soppy. Love it 🙂
Our Chemistry  burnt with a passion, and yes, it sure was passion, burning red hot passion. 😉
God I never wanted to leave, and I loved the way you kept me longer and longer, determined not to let me go.
They were an amazing few hours just not long enough. 😦
God I hate leaving you. Miss you already baby.
Being away from you is excruciating, we belong together, we shouldn’t be apart, it’s wrong it’s so wrong.
Until next time baby. X X X ❤ XXX

Someday when the pages of my life end, I know that you will be the most beautiful chapters. Our first date.

imageThe last few years I have been writing my own person journal, not for myself but for Ross.
While I was away in Paris and a short while before that, I have written little snippets from each day of our journey together and apart.
This is my gift to him, so the many things he had missed he could see in full colour. From memories, feelings to photos of my life, Marly-Kate’s and mine and Ross’s time together.

At this present time I do not know if he will ever receive these gifts to him, if he even wants to see them. I thought I would share one day out of the most important book.

The 24 hours that we met.

This is very personal to my view of the hours that led up to meeting. My personal history of the most magnificent day in my life to date. The day my heart was well and truly stolen.

Saturday 3rd June 2012.

Today is the day, that I get to finally meet you, only hours to go and I guess I should be getting ready.
Before I do, I want to tell you about my day.
It’s been strange, pleasant and exciting.
Dad and I decided to take a drive to Bognor so I could get a feel for your home town before our big meeting tonight.
In the car we jump, I pod on, playing the play list I have made for our first date. Shaking with nerves, we took that long trip to Bognor. All I could think about was, I’m going to be so close to you and you don’t even know I’m there.
What happens if we bump into each other, I don’t want to meet like that, I have it all planned in my head. Links to give you clues as to where I will be, which I will post later on your wall.
I hope you can work out the clues and this all goes to plan.
My nerves built and built as we took that drive.
Once we arrived in Bognor, I couldn’t get out the car, totally terrified. Dad managed to get me out and what or who is the first thing I see, only Arion, omg my heart sinks, what if he has spotted me and calls you. Thankfully at this time I don’t believe he did.
Dad and I go to a pub on the sea front, he gets us coffee and I sit outside taking in my surroundings.
Panic sets in over and over again, at all the people around. I hope I won’t be this much of a wimp tonight, that I can get my anxiety under control.
Somehow dad manages to get me to walk along the beach with him, we sit and eat our picnic and watch the waves or lack of them. I take a few photos to remember this moment, not that I will ever forget.
We ate ice cream while heading towards the pier. Just think in a few hours I will be back there, meeting you.
Every fear runs through my head on our journey home. What if you don’t turn up, what if you do and you turn and run the other way ? What if you dislike me when you finally see me ?
What if I panic and can’t move off the spot, I don’t want you to see me have a panic attack.
So much could go wrong. There are too many what if’s running through my head.
But I’m not going to let them drill out the excitement, I’m so excited. Tonight I get to meet you. It’s a dream come true.
I best get my backside into gear and get ready.
Until tomorrow.

4th June 2012

Wow wow wow, oh my god, I’m so in love.
What an incredible evening.
Well we finally met and all I can say is ….. You blow my mind, you’ve made me the happiest girl alive.
The moment I saw you walking towards me I knew you were the one, I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Those eyes as they looked into mine, I have never seen such amazing eyes.
When our skin touched, it felt like we melted together. What is that all about, how does that even happen? But omg it felt so perfect.
The fear and anxiety left me as soon as you were standing in front of me and all I could feel was over powering love.
There are just no words to even begin to explain how you made my heart swell and made me float off into heaven 😉
All I know is I want that over and over.
I knew it before, but now there is no dealt at all that I have found my soul mate. You incredible babes. I’m so madly, passionately in love with you.
I can’t wait to be with you again.

” You can’t have heartbreak without love,” “When your heart was really broken, then at least you know you really loved him.”

My father has told me over and over a million times that I’m worth nothing, that I will never be worthy of anyones heart or time.

Tonight as I once again try and sleep through the pain, I feel his words running rings around my mind.
I feel more alone in life than I have done before. I hate myself more than ever and am now at the point of despair.
I’m fighting off the anger of being judged, the one thing I hate more than anything.
I need to grieve but feel wrong in doing so until I have proven what I have to prove , even though deep down I know I shouldn’t have to prove anything.
I feel the world is against me and I have no where to turn, for the one I trust, is not there to listen or hold my hand and help me through this heart crushing time.
I reach out constantly to him, in turn making myself hurt even more.
I’m so lost without him.
Loosing not only my soul mate but my best friend too is the most painful heart and soul destroying thing to ever  happen to me.
I’m now more lost than ever before.
I’m totally broken.