Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.

imageWhen you drop a glass or a plate, a window shatters, a picture falls, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent.
You would think that for something so important, it would make the loudest noise in the whole world.
But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.
You cry and you cry, beg and pray, but it doesn’t help and you know you have to let go and try to move on, your head is screaming at you to get over it, but your heart cries out for him and won’t let you forget.
“I hate forcing myself to let go of a person that I want in my life, I know I have to let go yet I feel empty whenever I try to.
So now I ask, is emptiness better than pain?”
Maybe i’d rather not let go and move on, maybe i’d rather hold on to this hurt I feel than to be out there in the world meeting all the people who do not even come close to who he was, maybe it’s not worth the disappointment. You can call me a coward for thinking this, but I think it’s dangerous to let go for I might love him more fiercely when I step back and realize there’s nobody out there quite like him.

My dad once quoted me this and I’ve come to know the true meaning.

To be in love is like jumping off a cliff with no intent of looking down at the bottom. You don’t care if it’s going to hurt like hell when you hit the bottom. All you care about is that for just that short period of time, you felt like you could fly.

It’s so true, because no matter how painful life is right now, what we had, our special memories still mean more to me than anything and if I have to feel this pain forever then I know that I had for a short time, the best there possibly is and even throughout the heart break I know that it was worth all this pain.

All it takes is a smile.

image
When my to-do list seems never-ending and the growing pile of laundry is threatening to overtake my house and the dirty dishes stacked precariously high in the sink induce anxiety every time I rush past on my way out the door.
Stress seems to be building and I have no time to deal with my emotions, but maybe that’s why I’m rushed off my feet, keeping my life as busy as I can so I don’t have to deal with the pain.
I’ve been trying many different ideas, from meditation to exercise to de stress, but I’ve found that I already have the cure right under my nose.
It comes in the form of piecing green/blue eyes, blonde hair and the cutest smile I’ve ever seen.
Marly-Kate’s smile and giggle can turn tears, into a smile in no time at all and I know I’m so lucky to have my little princess.

The evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Well today has been distressing to say the least.
For those of you that don’t know, I have started legal action against the hospital who were treating me throughout my pregnancy.
I can not go into to much detail publicity yet as it is now in the hands of a judge , but to put it short, my care, was unacceptable and ended with extreme heartbreak and the end of my relationship 😦
If it wasn’t for the bastards who were meant to be looking after me and our son, life would be very different right now.
I don’t want to play the blame game, or hold a grudge because its unhealthy but Christ they have f**ked up my life, taken away everything that I loved. They have caused me to lose the man I love and made him judge me to the worse degree. Which in turn has caused me soul crushing pain.

So off I went to court today.
Not just to fight against the bastards who have destroyed my life but my relationship and reputation.
But you know what the really sad thing is, when I need to get a little help from the person I am putting myself through months of hurt for, they are not there again.

I don’t want to put myself through this, yes ok I want heads to roll but I’m doing this because its the only way that he will ever believe me ( well I hope he will anyway, not sure what ever I prove will ever be good enough)

Yes right now I’m feeling angry and I hate that feeling, but I’m more hurt than ever right now.
It’s me who is dealing with it, me alone , like its me who has done what ever I can to put things right. I’ve put myself on the line for months now, been judged and slated.

So why the hell am I?
Why do it to myself?
Why because I still believe this feeling is worth fighting for.

But on a good note, today ended on a high, well I think it did anyway, but until I can break that news the person it involves my lips are sealed 🙂

Acrostic.

image Yesterday I was given the most amazing song, by Γιαννης Χρηστου, one of the members of the band, Silent Birth.
I’m totally blown away by the beauty and meaning of this wonderful piece of music.
And if I’m totally honest, within seconds of listening to this wonderful masterpiece, I had tears rolling down my face, and goosebumps upon my skin.

To tell you a little more about this excellent piece of music and why right now it means so much to me.

Ross once wrote me a most sensational poem.
To me, it was one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I had ever read, in tow with the website Ross made for me.

Many months later, I decided to ask a good and dear friend of mine Γιαννης Χρηστου, if him and his band would do me a big favour and write a piece of music and make the poem into a song.
I wanted to give it to Ross as a gift, to show him how much his poem means to me and that I love him.

Γιαννης Χρηστου agreed and yesterday he sent me a copy of the poem/song.

I am totally speechless, it means so much to me and even though, I can’t give it to Ross the way I had planed I’m hoping the he can see the meaning behind it.
That he knows that, Silent Birth, made this for us, the music was written, especially for his poem, and the lyrics were sung, with my heart in them.

I really can not thank Silent Birth enough for doing this for me.
I will always be grateful to you all.

And Ross I hope you like it and know that even though you wrote the outstanding lyrics, this is my gift to you, given with all my love.

Lilly’s on a peaceful river
Or petals in the wind
Violins playing at an opera
Earrings made from pearls

Your beauty exceeds all of these
Outside you are a wonder
Underneath… where to begin!

Rare is such a marvel
Only seen in few
Some people never see it
Everything is you

Slowly learning.

imageI’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always two ways at looking at things. you can either shut down and blank out the emotions, pretend they are not happening, or let the tears flow, and deal with the feelings, even it they are too painful to cope with.
And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can’t give up.
We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through.
We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.

A million scars.

imageI have hit a milestone and have not self harmed for a while now.
Kinda proud considering how hard life has been, but I made a promise which I plan to keep.

So as a little celebration to myself, I thought I would share this with you.
I know if I had read it before I made that first cut, I would have thought twice about picking up that blade.
Hopefully it may help someone, who may just happen to stumble across it here.

Before you make that first cut, remember.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily.
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live–
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting–
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut “too deep.”
And you freak out because the blood won’t stop…
And you are gasping…
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone…
Praying it will be okay–
Swearing you’ll never let it go this far again…
But you will, and further….
Don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat every time you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips–
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings…
Betadine…
Antibiotic cream…
Medical tape…
Scar reducers…
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice–
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands–
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won’t be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe.
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots…
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won’t be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool…
Scissors…a car key…a needle…a paperclip…even a pen.
Doesn’t matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals… sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting.
At the same time you love it and can not live without it…

Author unknown

Silence

imageAt first I was silent about my depression and self-harm because I wanted to be. It was my dirty little secret, my life, my shame, my control, my drug, no one else needed to know. The thing with depression is you cant see it, you can only feel it and only you.
I was ashamed to talk even with the professionals that were trying to help me. It’s not like they hadn’t heard it before but still, but sometimes the words wouldn’t come out. I was scared of being judged, of shocking people and I was ashamed.
It wasn’t until I had accepted parts of myself as a person that I could be honest and speak out about self-harm and depression.
I was silent about what was troubling me. I was silent about the things going on in my head, the way I was feeling about myself and others. I was silent because when I spoke out I was called so many hurtful names.
I was silent at night when I cried into the pillow, I was silent when I wanted to end it all……..
I’ve now learnt that silence is the biggest killer yet, it is more painful than any hateful words.

So as I look inwards to find a way of healing I ponder to myself.

What is my Soul?
The nearest I have been to a spirit is in a bottle, and the only soul I have ever listened to was in music.
So as I sit and wonder about my soul, what it is, where it is, and what is its purpose.
I believe my soul is my doorway to my heart, but also everything I am.
And for all those who know me, know how deep I am. How I let my heart rule my head and wear my heart on my sleeve, let the world look deep within my soul and I’m breaking the silence. I’m letting you see me, on a level that has never been seen before.
I’ve learnt to open up and the silence is broken.

Irrevocably broken.

Something is missing. I have a good life, a job to go back to when I feel ready which I enjoy most of the time, a family who care, friends who are always there, enough money to live and enjoy life and I have my health…..so why do I feel there is a piece of this puzzle missing?
I have been feeling heartbroken for a while now and put it down to a very difficult time but I wonder if it’s more than that?
Thinking back over the past few years to say it has been difficult is an understatement. I have found out more about myself and the pain and love of others than I ever thought possible, and to those that supported me I will remain forever thankful.
In a way the waves of my life has just settled down to a ripple, maybe its a ripple that I should just slowly sit back and take in rather than try to ride on the waves? Maybe I’m not used to having a quiet period and I need to learn how to chill, reflect and just be with myself, but how can I do this when I feel that half of me is missing, When I don’t feel whole and contentment seems a thing of the past.
I have possibly spent most of my childhood being judged either by those who thought they knew what was best for me or those who actually don’t know me at all.
I was judged on the area I lived, the things I owned, the clothes I wore, my height, my weight, my school grades, the religion I was forced to follow, my friends, my family, the list is endless. As a child you believe what is said about you because you trust those people, you have nothing else to compare to. You look up to them and believe their word is practically God. Why would you think anything less? When whatever you give is not enough, what’s the point in striving for anything greater?
If only it was so easy to not listen, to feel confident to question, and to not carry the baggage around with us throughout our adult life.
I believed I was stupid and would never amount to anything. I could never imagine that anyone could love me never mind find me attractive. In a way I compensated with my lack of ‘looks’ by being a bit of a clown, the chatterbox, when inwardly I was terrified of people seeing the real me, just in case they disliked me even more. Over the years I fed my fears with more judgments, this time coming from myself. I would over think situations adding more negativity to what was zero self esteem, how on earth was I expecting others to love me when I had so much disgust and disregard for myself?
How I got to where I am now is difficult to pinpoint. It has been through learning and compassion for myself and others. Forgiveness is a word which I have used many times and is something I truly believe in. I try not to bear grudges, life is too short. I believe in accepting your life for what has been, trusting people and never being afraid to ask for help and valuing the positives around you but something’s life just gets too much and everything that I build up in myself falls back down and I lose all belief in my self, judgment from not just others but myself also, eats away at me and swallows part of me.
All I can see is a big empty space where happiness once soared.
Sometimes I just wish I could forget and not feel. Feelings hurt.
At least now I acknowledge how I am feeling and not hide it with alcohol. It’s good to let it out, talk it through or in my case fill the pages with my thoughts, but one thing I am sure of I will not bite back in anger on these pages, and try to remember the good times when I feel the anger of the situation building up inside, and then the anger fades and sadness rips through my soul again.

So I’m telling myself this …..life is like, staring down the staircase into the hollow at the bottom, being cautious, trying not to fall. Trying to take that first small step into recovery or into any difficult situation is scary.
Sometimes with one step we falter, we trip up and end up back where we started, but making that first small step is enough to just get a taste. A taste of the freedom, the release, the excitement of what life can be like without endless heartache.
Looking down the staircase you cant quite see what is at the bottom, it may look dark at times, you may feel alone in fear of falling but hold out your hand for support, take hold of that bannister, that railing on the stairs and let it help you down steadily and safely.
Baby steps, little steps, one at a time…..you can do this, you can reach your goal.

Nothing ever hurt like you.

Got to say I have been through some pretty bad times in my life as I’m sure we all have, but the last two months have been a living hell.
I’ve been judged on every level called many hurtful things and had to prove myself on levels that I should never had to of done.
And trust me I would not have done that for anyone else, and what hurts more is that no matter what I do, no matter what I prove, it is never good enough. That hurts like a million blades being stabbed into my heart.
And still I’m willing to take more, just to prove to him I never lied.
Now if this is love, Jesus never fall in love.
I swear that it’s the worst feeling in the world and I’m so angry with myself for letting myself fall in love, believing him when he promised to never hurt me or to never break my heart.
So why am I still here loving and missing him ?

Missing.

When morning breaks, my first thought is I miss him, but I try to focus on something else just to get me through the day, I really do try. Everyday he’s on my mind, but without him nothing seems to have a meaning.
And when the sun goes down, I miss him even more. I miss the hours we would spend talking, I miss cooking up a feast together, I miss the hours we would spend lying side by side, me tracing lines upon his skin even though he didn’t like it much. I miss the way he held me close enough to hear his heartbeat, I miss how his smile was once my sun on a rainy day. I miss how his hands always gave me the softest touch. They’d always give me a tingle, one of the reason I loved them so much. I miss how his hugs were once like medicine that changed a frown to smile and I miss how his kisses, would sweep me off my feet, those kisses can never be replaced.
I miss him every minute of everyday and every night, leaving me with an ache, a sadness, an emptiness that doesn’t ever go away.
I miss him so much.