Why ?

imageOur darlin baby boy Zack, I just had to write to you and let you know I’m thinking of you as always.
Your with me now, your ashes were delivered yesterday, heartbreaking to say the least, it’s so painful.
I can’t stop looking at you and wondering why you were taken away from us and all I want is for your daddy to throw his arms around me, hold me and tell me it will be ok.
I miss you both so much.
I don’t know how my heart will ever mend.
I don’t understand why life has been so cruel and has taken away everything that I love.
And even though I am trying to be brave and face everyday as it comes sometimes I just can’t stay strong and put that fake smile on, the only time a real smile comes is when I’ve seen your daddy, he still makes me smile.
I just wish things were different and we could be the perfect little family we were meant to be.
We may never have seen you smile
We never heard your cry or laugh
Or to feel you wrap your tiny hand around our fingers but this doesn’t mean your not thought about every second of everyday and that love stops flowing. Your loved so much and missed equity.
The days are so dark at the moment,
They are filled with pain, tears and the what ifs and the whys. Why us? Why you?
The pain is getting harder everyday, it’s feel like I’m looking in on someones else’s life and watching their life crash and burn, feeling the pain
but no matter how hard I try I can’t take control and change anything. I’m not watching though I’m living it, it’s my life.
All I want to do is turn back the hands of time and change what has happened.
How can life around me possibly continue when I’ve lost everything. How can my friends and family act like nothing has happened and expect me to be jolly, when I’m mourning for not just you our son but your daddy to, its so intense I don’t know how I can even begin to breath air into my lungs or put one foot in front of the other.
It is always there, the pain, the sadness, emptiness, the longing for what should have been.
I know my friends and family are just trying to help by acting that life’s great, and brushing it all under the carpet, and sure it helps sometimes but at others all I want to do is scream and shout and cry, for them to let me get the grief out.
My bones, heart and soul ache with the pain of loosing you
The days are so long and sleep hardly happens and I can’t escape from this nightmare. But I’m trying so hard to stay on top, and carry on living.
I know in time life will get easier and the pain will fade but I know it’s wont ever go away and your never be forgotten.


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