So here I am spilling out my heart to a blank page, hoping to give myself some release from the torment that runs rings around my mind.
It was my first taste of love, my one and only taste and I was sheepishly drunk with it.
They were eyes I could look into forever, and a voice I could hear till the end of time, it was absolutely frightening.
And now it’s all gone, my soul and heart have been ripped from me and I’m slowly dying inside.
I don’t want to carry on without him, life is just not worth living, he was my world, my sunshine, my reason for being, he is my soul mate, the missing piece.
There are many voices, concerned friends, parental wisdom all screaming, demanding me to let it go, let him go.
I can’t, we still have unfinished business and how do you when you’re still hopelessly in love with them 😦

Not a day goes by without me cross-examining myself for faults, things I should or shouldn’t have done, things I could do to fix it.
What ever I do only gives a brief respite. Reason leaves me as soon as it comes. My mind wanders back to the pain.
Whenever there is a quiet moment, his face comes back with a vengeance. There is no “clear history” button, there is no shutting emotion out.
I’m pointlessly replaying events in my head, ceaseless analysing, obsessively scrutinising my actions, and wallowing in music and dessert.
Not only does nothing get solved, nothing else gets done, either.
Life sadly always goes on, whether we are in the mood to join it or not.

So I had to ask myself,what is it that I want?
I want to talk about it with him. I wanted closure. I wanted my pain to be acknowledged.
Because I cant get the closure and can’t get him to acknowledge my hurting, Im locked in limbo.
It rips the heart when things change, we torture ourselves with every coffee shared, every gaze held. At least I still have the wonderful memories to hold onto, those moments were beautiful.
And despite the pain, I still have those and I wouldn’t change them or the time we had together for the world. I just wish more than anything that it had continued and that life was once again picture perfect, that we were together, the way we should be.
And I hope that one day I will get over him but right now I can’t see it. My love for him and our friendship is too strong.

I’ve been the girl who’s always running away.
I’ve been the girl who built up walls.
I’ve been the girl who let them get knocked down.
I’ve been the girl always hoping for better days.
I’ve been the girl to weak to go on.
I’ve been the girl who just had to stay strong.
I’ve been the girl wanting to change the world.
I’ve been the girl who stays out all night.
I’ve been the girl taking abuse they hurled.
I’ve been the girl always searching for more.
I’ve been the girl who didn’t put up a fight.
I’ve been the girl too scared to go outside.
I’ve been the girl that’s hiding scars.
I’ve been the girl crying herself to sleep.
I’ve been the girl who gave away her heart.

As part of my new job, I was asked to research different ways of relaxing to help with depression.
It’s kinda cool, as I get to try different things and open my mind to ideas.
First thing I thought I would try was a massage, I have had a few in the past but with all the stress I have had of late and the hours and hours of labouring I have put in at the farm, I thought it may be nice to just lay for an hour and let the oils relax me.
Boy wasn’t I wrong.
This massage was kinda torture, very painful but delightful at the same time, in a strange kinda way it was relaxing until she found the next knot.
Breathing through the pain, all I could hear was the popping of the tension knots in my back.
As she worked the tension loose, the pain was jaw biting. I’ve never had a massage like it.

Maybe it was just the case that months of stress has court up with me and I never relax, I think the last time I felt chilled out was the last week I spent chilling at Ross’s, life was so much easier then.

The knots were so bad in my upper back she could not get them out with just her hands, she moved on to crystals which you can work harder and are less painful than hands can be.
I’ve never experienced a massage where crystals have been used.
Was kinda blown away by the whole thing and instead of relaxing, questions after questions were thrown at the poor women.

For those who don’t know, a knot is known as a myofascial trigger point. It is a tight ball of muscle from an overworked muscle or from stress,
To put it simply, your muscle is like a chicken breast wrapped in cling film.
When you over work or in my case are stressed, the muscle swells making the cling film grow tighter and tighter causing discomfort and pain.
When you work at the knot while massaging, you help to loosen the chicken beast easing the cling film to relax, as you smooth out the tension you will hear a popping noise which is the cling film becoming loose, showing the massage is working.

3/4 of an hour down the line I’m starting to feel a little relaxed and very sore, the soreness lasted a good few days and if I’m honest I can’t say it helped much, but then again, she did say I would need a massage at least once a week so she can begin to make a difference.
The thought of going back isn’t at the top of my to do list right now but I have to say it was an eye opener. And in a strange kinda way I enjoyed it but give me the massages I had a few months ago any day, so much better, if I do say so my self 🙂

Some days you just wake up and your heart bleeds.
Today is one of those days. Every word said to me runs through me like a blade and I hurt a million times more than I already am.
I have no idea how to stop the sadness that takes over my days. I hate feeling like this, I want to smile and be happy, I want to feel content like I did a few months ago.
I want to feel alive and not in a bubble as I am now.
No matter how I try to fill my days, the just seem pointless, like something is missing.
I just wish I knew how to mend my heart.

I’m so excited, I just received some fantastic news which I have been waiting for, for weeks now.

Ross and I designed a fashion show called Changes, which was for charity and our friends were going to be the models.
It was a way that I could involve Ross into my work but with one thing and another we never got around to finally doing the show.

For the last few weeks I have been in talks with my old boss and he has agreed to run with the show, not only in Brighton but in London as well. Maybe even Paris if it runs well in the UK.

All the people who were meant to be involved still can be if they wish or have tickets to come and watch.
I’m hoping that Ross will want to be part of it as it was his baby and now it is a gift from me to him.

I really can’t wait to see this beauty finally hit the star lights.

Dates will be posted here as soon as I have them.

Until then keep checking back for updates.

What a long emotional week it has been with loads of highs and lows.
Life sure is a roller coaster at the moment. Can’t say it’s a pleasure to ride right now, but when the ups are there, life seems bearable.
On a good note, I have a few things to look forward to in the next few weeks so keeping a smile thinking about them.
So my week was mainly spent at the hospital, having blood tests, scans etc and I get a weeks rest bite from them so positive note there 🙂
I also had a job to do for work which was rather different and I can’t wait to blog about that when I find the time. Think that blog will be worth a read, if I do say so myself. And I know it will feel good to be able to talk about my job 🙂
But this blog isn’t about my week but about one of the saddest afternoons but one of the most special days I have ever spent with a dear friend of mine.
He was my best friend for years and I couldn’t have ever asked for a better one. He has always been there for me through thick and thin, always had my back. He has never judged and supported me no matter what mistakes I made. He has to be one of the greatest people I’ve ever had the pleasure to have in my life.
Only one other friendship has matched ours, but that doesnt mean our froendship meant less, its just that love was involved in the greatest friendship i’ve ever found.(Ross)
Over the last year and a half, we drifted apart for many reasons, but we both understand and accept the reasons that we didn’t talk or spend as much time together as we once did.
Our life’s moved in different directions but we always knew that we would be there for the other if we were needed.
I guess that’s real friendship.
Friendship where we were happy to let the other person live out there life without holding a grudge.
A friendship that I will always hold wonderful memories.
The sad thing is, the our friendship is nearly at an end and yesterday we said our goodbyes 😦
You see, he has cancer and within the next few weeks he will be dancing on the clouds looking down on us all.
So even though I’m going to lose him, at least I know he will be out of pain and that he will be at peace and maybe raving it up with my beloved sister.

So our afternoon was spent talking about the past, remembering the good times sailing, clubbing, just hanging out and the crazy parties we have been to.
It was a joy to just sit and talk, laugh and smile at the different memory’s we both have, even the fights we have had, it was good to look back.
With about an hour to go, he began to get deep and spoke about heartache and about the girl who won his heart. He sat there, tears rolled at his love for her and how much she had hurt him.
You see, they were meant to get married and spend their life’s together and she broke his heart. He has never got over that.
And I know how he feels. When you love someone that much, there is no way that I can see, that you will ever recover from the heartbreak.
It’s just such a shame that they never sorted it out, that she’s not there when she is needed more than ever.
It’s wrong that two people who love each other can’t put the wrongs behind them and move forward together in life, because life is too short to not be with the one that has your heart.
Why live an unhappy life, when you could have a life full of love and happiness
I just don’t understand that.
Every situation can be over come if you have love.

Anyway it was time to say goodbye.
How on earth do you do that, how do you hold back the tears and pretend that your see each other soon, that this isn’t for forever.

I have to say it was one of the hardest things I have had to do, but I’m glad that I had that time, that I could say goodbye to him.

All I have left to say is

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not healing, not curing, that is a friend who cares.”