Heavy chains and peace pipes.

imageAs I wake after another night of pacing the house, tormented by nightmares and wake with tears rolling down my face, I look in the mirror and see a shadow of the person I was a few months ago.

How can one go from being so very very happy to feeling this low?
Where does one begin in lifting oneself up?

I hear you say, it’s not that hard, just do it.
Trust me I’m trying, I’m keeping busy, taking on more than I should, even got myself a new job and exciting things are coming with it, but still I’m locked down with heavy chains of a broken heart.

Today I should be smiling, I’m off to my cousins wedding, I get to see all my family, which I haven’t seen most of them for nearly two years now.
But I’m sat here with dread in my heart at not just seeing them all again but that I have to spend the day watching two people in love, committing their life’s to one enough.
Right now I can’t handle watching that.
Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for them. Over the moon in fact but the truth of the matter is, if I’m really honest, I thought the next wedding I would be at, was going to be mine and Ross’s.
We had it all planned and we both wanted it so much.
And instead of the smiling faces we would have had beamed at us all day, today I will just receive the look of pity.
Right now I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle that along with the endless questions.
And I feel tormented
at the day ahead and I’m not even there yet.
So I guess the next few hours, I have to dig so very deep and find my best fake smile and pull strength from somewhere.
All I can say is, I so wish things were different and god help me.
And on the subject of god, if there is such a thing, your guardian angels need to calm down with their peace pipes and get out their stoned state and maybe send me a little luck.

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