Tortures we inflict on ourselves.

imageWhy can’t I just stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?
It doesn’t take much to miss him, a song, a movie, a tv show.
Maybe it’s a friend mentioning his name, or seeing or meeting someone who shares his name. The pain is unbearable and always there.
Holding onto the memories of him despite the fact that I know that it’s time to move on. I miss him more than I can clearly express, I think of him all the time, and my heart aches at the thought of not having him near.
And when I’ve texted him or called him, I’ve regretted it soon after I’ve done it. I guess I just can’t just help myself ?
Every bit of progress I’ve made in an attempt to gain a distance from him goes straight back to zero. And my heart breaks all over again.
But the silence hurts and I miss the friendship that we had. God I miss our friendship, the hours we use to spend talking
And as I weep into my pillow pleading with the night, that I’ll wake up from this nightmare, and when I awake he will be snug in your arms.
Nighttime is the worst. The anxiety runs high. Nothing can soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.
The parts of him that I miss don’t really involve the negative. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing, I can just close my eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.
It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, so Why can’t I just stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”


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