I’m sorry.

imageI’m sorry that I’m not perfect.
I’m sorry that I’m not beautiful.
I’m sorry that I’m not everything you need me to be.
I’m sorry that I’m not in your heart, mind and soul.
I’m sorry that I don’t make you laugh.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that I’m not the best cook.
I’m sorry that my love is not enough for you.
I’m sorry that I’m not the best gamer.
I’m sorry that I’m not intelligent enough for you.
I’m sorry that I’m not everything that can make you happy.
I’m sorry that I love you too much.
I’m sorry that maybe I have the wrong colour eyes.
I’m sorry that I’m not the one that can make you smile.
I’m sorry that I’m not the one you could love forever.
I’m sorry that my heart rules my head.
I’m sorry that I’m too emotional.
I’m not sorry that I love you.

HELP :-(

5990_479462372118173_1103647124_nWell shit I didn’t want to blog or spill out my feelings, guess I’m failing badly at life and trying not to love.
God I hate myself, I hate that you have this power over me, that I would give you my whole life and nothing less.
I hate that you have the power to break me without even knowing it.
And Jesus I wish I could hate you as much as I hate myself and you hate me.
I hate that I would give you my life, that I’ve given you my heart and I would do anything to have you want to mend it.
It’s so badly broken, I’m surprised I can even feel the pain that tortures every second of every day.

They say all is fair in love and war, but trust me war seems to me to be a walk in the park.
Because nothing can be as painful as this.

Why can’t you just push me against a wall and smash the life nearly out of me, that would be less painful.

I can’t take anymore pain, I just want your arms around me, holding me, waking me up from this nightmare
I really can’t take anymore pain.
Please baby please help me please

Missing

imageMy eyes remember your smiling face. They miss you so much that I see you in every object around me.
I miss you with every coffee I make.
I miss you with every thought of my mind.
I miss you with my every heart beat.
I miss you with every inch of blood that flows through me.
I miss you with every heart beat of mine.
My heart will stop missing you the day it stops beating.
I miss you Ross.

Worse things have happened at sea.

imageI need a place right now to let it all out
After an awful day at work, all I want to do is tell them to stick their job so far up their back sides, it will never see the light of day again.
I hate my job with a passion
Customers moan 24 7 and for no reason, I wish my problems were as simple.
Really does it matter if the corner shop didn’t have the coffee you drink, try a new one, you may like it more.
Get over it already, worst things have happened at sea.
If real problems or heartbreak fall upon you, god help you that’s all I can say.
I’m not paid to sit there and listen to you slating everyone you know.
Have you not heard the saying if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. ( good advice for me while writing this blog)

How can a work place be so two-faced and bitchy, I really don’t understand how people can be nice to each other and then turn around and slag that person off. It’s wrong so wrong.
Put the cat claws away and front that person with your problem, because other wise it will storm out of control and I don’t want to be there when the fire works alight.
There is no need for it.
Problems can be over come with simply talking to each other.

As for my boss. Got to say, she’s a nice person, we get on well.
But please stop bitching to me about the others, they are your staff, you sort them out. It’s not my job, and for Christ sake I’m the new girl, who am I to butt in.
As for my work load, Jesus you can’t just throw me to the sharks and see if I can swim faster than them.
I haven’t had time to get my head around the job and your acting like I’ve been doing it forever.
I haven’t, would be good to remember that, so if the pressure continues mistakes will be made and that will fall on me even though you have put me outside my comfort zone with the most bitchy, picky customers you have, that no one else wants to deal with.
I’m so close to telling them to just jog on right now, I don’t need the shit and they are lucky that I even showed up today.
I’ve held myself together, and the ice-maiden is in full force. I will not cry, I will not break and I will not give into the emotions that are fighting me every second of everyday.
I’m waiting for the break, I’m waiting for the crash that I know is coming, I can feel it.
I can feel every single emotion and pain consuming my heart soul and body, and I’m working to try to take my mind off the pain, no other reason.
Rant over !

Everything I do

Rose On Wood BWI am a firm believer that writing out your feelings, it’s a wonderful tool for self-awareness, for expressing emotions, and for emotional health. I believe that writing down your feelings is exercising your emotions. Just like a body will get stiff from inactivity, your feelings can get stuck together until they are formless and unrecognisable to you.
By writing them down, you sort them out. You see them for what they are.

The Ice Maiden Diaries isn’t a sob story. It’s simply a place to bring feelings out in the open.

Grieving is heavy. Ugh.
It’s such a load on my back. It’s all depressing and sad, it makes people want to turn away from you, change the subject, have a drink or drive really fast or eat too much or too little food just to get away from the heaviness of it all.
The sadness of grief can last a long time, longer than anyone wants to know.
When you’ve lost, especially a soul mate, a child, a sibling, a parent. Maybe you feel like you’ve got no right to be happy. Perhaps pure joy, silliness, excitement, enthusiasm for your own future feels a tad wrong or out-of-place.
Grief changes you.
It sucks the lightness from your life and hovers over you like a giant shadow, arms outstretched, threatening, looming, staying put. The shadow can block out the sun, with no sun there is no growth.
Major loss keeps rapping on your skull,” hello in there, guess what, shit happens! It can happen to you again, so beware, don’t get too comfortable.”
I know this all too well 😦

Some days I feel better and believe I can live with out him, I feel like I’m moving on, I tell myself I’m over him, and I’m better off alone, that I’m achieving loads and I should enjoy the path I’m walking, who needs a man or love anyway?
It’s not the fact I need him, because I don’t, I’m capable more than capable to live without him, but it’s that I would rather be with him not through need but through, dare I say it love.
And even though I’ve seen a side of him in the last few months, that I had never seen before and if I’m truthful,I can say I don’t like it much, but you know what, I understand it, I totally understand it and I’m not judging because I believe I know him and the good in him, the Ross I knew is in there still, he’s an amazing soul, the most incredible person and you know what, I love him, I really do.

And yes I know he doesn’t feel the same, why would he, when I’m not worthy of his heart, if I’m honest he’s always been way to good for me.
But we were perfect together. So truly perfect.
And I thought we were unbreakable, that we belonged together, that our feelings were strong enough to get through anything.
I know mine are, I wouldn’t be still loving him if they weren’t. But I guess my love isn’t enough for him.
But that doesnt mean I will ever stop loving him, because I never will stop, my heart my soul, my body and my life belong to Ross.
I love him way to much.
And when things come to light in the near future, I just hope he knows that, that I would take that bullet for him, I would die for him, walk over burning hot coals, move mountains and I will always love him, forever and always.

One wish

imageI have one wish, a wish I pray everyday will come true. I’m sure you can all guess what it is, not going to spill it out here as a wish told is meant to not come true.

But there is a part of the wish that I wish could happen more than anything right now.
I wish to have one day, just one with Ross, where we forget all the stress, heartache and pain and we spend the day in each others company, remember what it felt like to be together and how wonderful it was.
How we use to so enjoy each others company, I wish that he could just let me have a day, an outing if its only for a goodbye.
I know it’s a lot to ask but I have to.
I hate not having his friendship, that hurts more than not having his love.
To me he is the most wonderful friend I’ve ever had and it kills to not have that anymore.
I miss that, I really miss that, I miss him.

Suffocating

imageI have suffered from nightmares for a few years now, but only when I’m having a trying time in my life.
Lately the dreams have become a lot more deep and terrifying.
Last night I had the most powerful dream to date and very different from the nightmares I normally encounter.
I woke myself by screaming in my sleep, ok I do this a lot but this was different and frightened me so much so I was too scared to get out of bed.

To cut the dream short as it seemed to last forever.

I was being suffocated by an unknown force, a spirit/ghost.
It was disturbing really disturbing.
As I cried out for help in my dream, no one came. ( I guess it proves I’m alone, totally alone)
As I struggled to breath, gasping for air as the life drained out of me, it was an overbearing feeling.

I’m not sure if I believe in dream meanings, to be honest I haven’t really looked into my dreams that much. This dream hit me on a new level so when I was brave enough to get of bed, I hit that google button and this was the result.

Psychological Meaning: This dream may indicate that you feel emotionally overwhelmed by a situation that causes you anxiety. You may feel unable to cope.

Mystical Meaning: Dream superstition says that this dream is a warning about sorrow and ill health.

It couldn’t be more true. Kinder shocked.
Maybe there is some truth in dream meanings after all.

Life is so cruel.

imageHey there my little boy, can’t stop thinking of you today, wondering what you would have been doing, how you would have grown and what your smile would look like.

I spent the day with your nanny today, you would have loved her, she is a breath of fresh air.
I wish I could watch her make a fuss of you as I’m sure she would have.

I wish so many things, god I wish you were here.
But I want you to know that I’m fighting for you and not a day goes by where I don’t think about you.

Life is hard without you and your daddy, but I’m trying hard to survive. I miss him so much, and love him more each passing day.

Life is so cruel.

To lose both of you in one day, is beyond words.

What did I do so wrong to deserve this.
I’m not a bad person, so why were you both taken from me.

I love you my little angel forever and always

Sleep peacefully xxxx

Love mummy

Can you really …….

imageEveryday I swear my heart breaks a little more, and even on good days like today, ( had a wonderful morning)
It still feels like someone is pushing a knife so deep into my heart, that I just can’t breathe and I can not cope with the loss, with the love that over powers everything.
I don’t know where to begin to even try to get over it and in heartfelt truth, I swear I won’t ever get over him or stop loving him.
If anything strangely the love just seems to grow and it hurts more and more each day.
I feel totally lost without him and I swear that half of me died the day he shut me out.
I feel like my life just isn’t worth anything and no matter how hard I try to better myself, I still know I’m not worthy of him or his love.
And it hurts so deeply that my imperfections won over the few good parts I may have in me.
I guess I’m just not good enough, or worthy of love.

Love is the strangest of things, how does something so powerful hurt more than anything else in the world.
How can something so special give you the world, and then it’s crushed underneath you and I swear it slowly kills you.

My doctor told me a few weeks ago that you can die from a broken heart, I wondered how true this way, so good old google came into play, and OMG it’s true. You really can.

Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a family member or spouse, though losing a parent, child, pet, lover or close friend can all “break one’s heart,” and it is frequently experienced during grief and bereavement. The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest as a result of the loss, although it also by extension includes the emotional trauma of loss even where it is not experienced as somatic pain. Although “heartbreak” ordinarily does not imply any physical defect in the heart, there is a condition known as “Takotsubo cardiomyopathy” (broken heart syndrome), where a traumatising incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.
(http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_heart)

Sometimes I think it would all be so much easier if I could just not wake up so I don’t feel the pain, heartache and longing anymore, it would all be easier if I just couldn’t feel.
But then I kick myself and think, no I’m here for a reason, this path I’ve been given is sent to test me and maybe test my love for him, Jesus I think I’ve passed that test a million times over. I can’t love anything more than I do him.
Maybe I should put pride first, before my heart, maybe pride in myself should stop me from blogging and spilling my heart out to a page that I don’t even know if any one reads.
But me being me, love comes first before anything and if I look an ass for loving him the way I do, why should I do what others say I should, and hide how I feel.
I love him and I don’t give a damn who knows it.
Ok he doesn’t love me back, but I can’t just turn it off, trust me I’ve tried so damn hard to.
And although love comes with a huge sledge-hammer that has crushed most of my soul and heart, what good would it be to lie to myself and others and say I’m over him, when I’m not, I’m truly not.
He’s still the first thought of everyday and the last thought to.
I know sad, right but hey at least I can admit it. I’m being true to myself.

Ok I’m rambling on here so I’m going to stop writing away as I don’t really know how to get down into words what I’m trying to say.

But I will say, to all you broken-hearted people out there.
No matter how hurt you are. Look at the good times, the memories and smile.
Remember that loving feeling
It’s so worth all the pain.
Love to me, my love for him is a blessing, even on a really bad day.
Love is incredible it’s worth everything.
Ross is everything.