Someone please give me some answers !!!

imageI promised myself I wouldn’t do it, I promised him I wouldn’t do it so here I am once again writing my thoughts down as a way of a release instead of reaching for a knife so that I would feel any thing but what I’m feeling now.
As I stood with a knife in my hand ready to draw blood from my arms, I had to pull strength from some where and stop myself.
And a promise I made stopped me from self harming. So thank you Ross for making me promise that ( not that you read this anyway but thank you all the same)

So I just received some awful news and I don’t know how to deal or cope with it.
My life time amazing friend will be in heaven (if there is such a place) within the next few days, I’m gutted, heartbroken.
He’s such a wonderful man, with the biggest heart and he doesn’t deserve to die so young. It’s cruel so very cruel. He’s never hurt anyone on purpose and he’s always been a true gent to everyone, he’s one in million and he should grow old and live a life full of happiness and love.

Why, why is it that the best are taken so young, why was my baby sister taken in her prime, our baby boy taken before he took his first breath and now one of my best friends.
Why, why does the after life have to take the best of the best and leave us to feel only heartache and sorrow.
And why when we do find happiness is it so short-lived and we are cast to live a life of misery.
Yes I know we need the bad to see the good, but really how much crap can one take.
How strong are we all meant to be.
Jesus I think I’ve shown my strengths more than I should ever have to in a life time, in the last few months.
And here I am again trying to cope with more shit.
And once again teased with hope that I could get through this, that maybe life could go on without him, that I’m strong enough to hide from my feelings and block out love.
But no, life throws in more hurt more pain and more loss and once again, the one person I need to hold me and comfort me isn’t here, and I need him, I really need him.
Life is trying, cruel and twisted, maybe that’s why the good ones go so young.


When the heart is laid to rest!

99422820_640Life does not wait around for you to heal, to fix yourself or your heart. Life moves forward, whether you want it to or not. When all I have wanted to do is stay in bed and forget about life, the pain and the months of stress ahead of me, life decided I couldn’t do that, I have things to do, too much to do and there is no time to grieve. Life moves on. But does the heart?

Life right now seems to be moving at a thousand mile per-hour and there is never enough time in the day, with demands from family and friends to give them my time, my darlin daughter keeping me on my toes and many new beginnings that have taken flight in the last few weeks, I swear the days just fly by without me even knowing which day of the week it is. Right now I’m grateful for this, as the nights are long and painful. Even though I am exhausted from the days, sleep still doesn’t come well, and when it does its consumed with nightmares.

So as life takes new roads, old ones keep crossing my fresh new path, spinning me in many different directions, holding me back from the mind-set I have set myself, to forget, to try not to feel, to once again turn myself back into the cold heart ice maiden I was once known as. I was doing well, and all though it is a constant battle with myself to shut all emotion out, I was winning most days.
Until I got a call stating I will be receiving court dates next week and to prepare myself for at least a week to two in court.

Wham – What a kick in the teeth.
Ok it’s the news I’ve been waiting for, the news I have wanted for like forever, but now I’m faced with it, I just want to call the whole thing off, to drop my case and continue on the cold heart path.
Sadly I can not do that, I have to fight this battle, and in turn I’m sure, I will take a million steps backwards to letting my heart rule my head and I know all the pain, hurt and sadness will flood me once again, after I have worked so hard at shut it out, building my walls and trying to forget.

So why I am I doing it?
How am I going to cope with seeing him in court, and seeing his eyes when he sees I spoke only the truth.
I will admit that when I’m having an angry day (I’m not an angry person, so when I say angry it’s not in a violent way, or cruel or nasty, I may say a few words to myself like “I hate him” and then I feel guilty for thinking such a thing, that’s the level of my anger) I think to myself I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he sees he was so very wrong, so so wrong. But if I’m honest with you, when that happens I will be scared to even look at him, because I can imagine the feelings that may flood him. I never want to see that written in his face, sadly that is the case, that he will have to deal with the emotions of being wrong and come to terms with that along with other things.
And I already know, because my heart is crying out to me, that all I will want to do is hold him and let him know it’s ok, and that scares me because rejection is a nasty mofo and I don’t want to live through that ever again.

There is one more battle added to the list of shutting out emotions, it’s a task I have to do, which I do not want to do alone, it’s one I want and need to do with Ross, one that Ross should take part in, but right now I know he wont.
I have to scatter our baby boys ashes, I can’t bare to see them in my bedroom any more, I want him to be free and in the places where mine and Ross’s memories lay.
So do I go against my better judgement, so my pain can ease and go ahead and do it alone or do wait and hope that he will one day be able to stand with me and do it together the way should be?
I’m really at a loss as what to do and it hurts it really hurts.

Ok weak moment over, I’ve aired the thoughts in my head and tears have fallen, so here’s round two of the walls going up and the cold heart back in place. So until next time I fall from grace and lose my battle, if only for a short time to stop feeling, I bid you good day x