I promised myself I wouldn’t do it, I promised him I wouldn’t do it so here I am once again writing my thoughts down as a way of a release instead of reaching for a knife so that I would feel any thing but what I’m feeling now.
As I stood with a knife in my hand ready to draw blood from my arms, I had to pull strength from some where and stop myself.
And a promise I made stopped me from self harming. So thank you Ross for making me promise that ( not that you read this anyway but thank you all the same)

So I just received some awful news and I don’t know how to deal or cope with it.
My life time amazing friend will be in heaven (if there is such a place) within the next few days, I’m gutted, heartbroken.
He’s such a wonderful man, with the biggest heart and he doesn’t deserve to die so young. It’s cruel so very cruel. He’s never hurt anyone on purpose and he’s always been a true gent to everyone, he’s one in million and he should grow old and live a life full of happiness and love.

Why, why is it that the best are taken so young, why was my baby sister taken in her prime, our baby boy taken before he took his first breath and now one of my best friends.
Why, why does the after life have to take the best of the best and leave us to feel only heartache and sorrow.
And why when we do find happiness is it so short-lived and we are cast to live a life of misery.
Yes I know we need the bad to see the good, but really how much crap can one take.
How strong are we all meant to be.
Jesus I think I’ve shown my strengths more than I should ever have to in a life time, in the last few months.
And here I am again trying to cope with more shit.
And once again teased with hope that I could get through this, that maybe life could go on without him, that I’m strong enough to hide from my feelings and block out love.
But no, life throws in more hurt more pain and more loss and once again, the one person I need to hold me and comfort me isn’t here, and I need him, I really need him.
Life is trying, cruel and twisted, maybe that’s why the good ones go so young.