Life does not wait around for you to heal, to fix yourself or your heart. Life moves forward, whether you want it to or not. When all I have wanted to do is stay in bed and forget about life, the pain and the months of stress ahead of me, life decided I couldn’t do that, I have things to do, too much to do and there is no time to grieve. Life moves on. But does the heart?
Life right now seems to be moving at a thousand mile per-hour and there is never enough time in the day, with demands from family and friends to give them my time, my darlin daughter keeping me on my toes and many new beginnings that have taken flight in the last few weeks, I swear the days just fly by without me even knowing which day of the week it is. Right now I’m grateful for this, as the nights are long and painful. Even though I am exhausted from the days, sleep still doesn’t come well, and when it does its consumed with nightmares.
So as life takes new roads, old ones keep crossing my fresh new path, spinning me in many different directions, holding me back from the mind-set I have set myself, to forget, to try not to feel, to once again turn myself back into the cold heart ice maiden I was once known as. I was doing well, and all though it is a constant battle with myself to shut all emotion out, I was winning most days.
Until I got a call stating I will be receiving court dates next week and to prepare myself for at least a week to two in court.
Wham – What a kick in the teeth.
Ok it’s the news I’ve been waiting for, the news I have wanted for like forever, but now I’m faced with it, I just want to call the whole thing off, to drop my case and continue on the cold heart path.
Sadly I can not do that, I have to fight this battle, and in turn I’m sure, I will take a million steps backwards to letting my heart rule my head and I know all the pain, hurt and sadness will flood me once again, after I have worked so hard at shut it out, building my walls and trying to forget.
So why I am I doing it?
How am I going to cope with seeing him in court, and seeing his eyes when he sees I spoke only the truth.
I will admit that when I’m having an angry day (I’m not an angry person, so when I say angry it’s not in a violent way, or cruel or nasty, I may say a few words to myself like “I hate him” and then I feel guilty for thinking such a thing, that’s the level of my anger) I think to myself I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he sees he was so very wrong, so so wrong. But if I’m honest with you, when that happens I will be scared to even look at him, because I can imagine the feelings that may flood him. I never want to see that written in his face, sadly that is the case, that he will have to deal with the emotions of being wrong and come to terms with that along with other things.
And I already know, because my heart is crying out to me, that all I will want to do is hold him and let him know it’s ok, and that scares me because rejection is a nasty mofo and I don’t want to live through that ever again.
There is one more battle added to the list of shutting out emotions, it’s a task I have to do, which I do not want to do alone, it’s one I want and need to do with Ross, one that Ross should take part in, but right now I know he wont.
I have to scatter our baby boys ashes, I can’t bare to see them in my bedroom any more, I want him to be free and in the places where mine and Ross’s memories lay.
So do I go against my better judgement, so my pain can ease and go ahead and do it alone or do wait and hope that he will one day be able to stand with me and do it together the way should be?
I’m really at a loss as what to do and it hurts it really hurts.
Ok weak moment over, I’ve aired the thoughts in my head and tears have fallen, so here’s round two of the walls going up and the cold heart back in place. So until next time I fall from grace and lose my battle, if only for a short time to stop feeling, I bid you good day x