Can you really …….

imageEveryday I swear my heart breaks a little more, and even on good days like today, ( had a wonderful morning)
It still feels like someone is pushing a knife so deep into my heart, that I just can’t breathe and I can not cope with the loss, with the love that over powers everything.
I don’t know where to begin to even try to get over it and in heartfelt truth, I swear I won’t ever get over him or stop loving him.
If anything strangely the love just seems to grow and it hurts more and more each day.
I feel totally lost without him and I swear that half of me died the day he shut me out.
I feel like my life just isn’t worth anything and no matter how hard I try to better myself, I still know I’m not worthy of him or his love.
And it hurts so deeply that my imperfections won over the few good parts I may have in me.
I guess I’m just not good enough, or worthy of love.

Love is the strangest of things, how does something so powerful hurt more than anything else in the world.
How can something so special give you the world, and then it’s crushed underneath you and I swear it slowly kills you.

My doctor told me a few weeks ago that you can die from a broken heart, I wondered how true this way, so good old google came into play, and OMG it’s true. You really can.

Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a family member or spouse, though losing a parent, child, pet, lover or close friend can all “break one’s heart,” and it is frequently experienced during grief and bereavement. The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest as a result of the loss, although it also by extension includes the emotional trauma of loss even where it is not experienced as somatic pain. Although “heartbreak” ordinarily does not imply any physical defect in the heart, there is a condition known as “Takotsubo cardiomyopathy” (broken heart syndrome), where a traumatising incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.
(http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_heart)

Sometimes I think it would all be so much easier if I could just not wake up so I don’t feel the pain, heartache and longing anymore, it would all be easier if I just couldn’t feel.
But then I kick myself and think, no I’m here for a reason, this path I’ve been given is sent to test me and maybe test my love for him, Jesus I think I’ve passed that test a million times over. I can’t love anything more than I do him.
Maybe I should put pride first, before my heart, maybe pride in myself should stop me from blogging and spilling my heart out to a page that I don’t even know if any one reads.
But me being me, love comes first before anything and if I look an ass for loving him the way I do, why should I do what others say I should, and hide how I feel.
I love him and I don’t give a damn who knows it.
Ok he doesn’t love me back, but I can’t just turn it off, trust me I’ve tried so damn hard to.
And although love comes with a huge sledge-hammer that has crushed most of my soul and heart, what good would it be to lie to myself and others and say I’m over him, when I’m not, I’m truly not.
He’s still the first thought of everyday and the last thought to.
I know sad, right but hey at least I can admit it. I’m being true to myself.

Ok I’m rambling on here so I’m going to stop writing away as I don’t really know how to get down into words what I’m trying to say.

But I will say, to all you broken-hearted people out there.
No matter how hurt you are. Look at the good times, the memories and smile.
Remember that loving feeling
It’s so worth all the pain.
Love to me, my love for him is a blessing, even on a really bad day.
Love is incredible it’s worth everything.
Ross is everything.

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