I am a firm believer that writing out your feelings, it’s a wonderful tool for self-awareness, for expressing emotions, and for emotional health. I believe that writing down your feelings is exercising your emotions. Just like a body will get stiff from inactivity, your feelings can get stuck together until they are formless and unrecognisable to you.
By writing them down, you sort them out. You see them for what they are.
The Ice Maiden Diaries isn’t a sob story. It’s simply a place to bring feelings out in the open.
Grieving is heavy. Ugh.
It’s such a load on my back. It’s all depressing and sad, it makes people want to turn away from you, change the subject, have a drink or drive really fast or eat too much or too little food just to get away from the heaviness of it all.
The sadness of grief can last a long time, longer than anyone wants to know.
When you’ve lost, especially a soul mate, a child, a sibling, a parent. Maybe you feel like you’ve got no right to be happy. Perhaps pure joy, silliness, excitement, enthusiasm for your own future feels a tad wrong or out-of-place.
Grief changes you.
It sucks the lightness from your life and hovers over you like a giant shadow, arms outstretched, threatening, looming, staying put. The shadow can block out the sun, with no sun there is no growth.
Major loss keeps rapping on your skull,” hello in there, guess what, shit happens! It can happen to you again, so beware, don’t get too comfortable.”
I know this all too well 😦
Some days I feel better and believe I can live with out him, I feel like I’m moving on, I tell myself I’m over him, and I’m better off alone, that I’m achieving loads and I should enjoy the path I’m walking, who needs a man or love anyway?
It’s not the fact I need him, because I don’t, I’m capable more than capable to live without him, but it’s that I would rather be with him not through need but through, dare I say it love.
And even though I’ve seen a side of him in the last few months, that I had never seen before and if I’m truthful,I can say I don’t like it much, but you know what, I understand it, I totally understand it and I’m not judging because I believe I know him and the good in him, the Ross I knew is in there still, he’s an amazing soul, the most incredible person and you know what, I love him, I really do.
And yes I know he doesn’t feel the same, why would he, when I’m not worthy of his heart, if I’m honest he’s always been way to good for me.
But we were perfect together. So truly perfect.
And I thought we were unbreakable, that we belonged together, that our feelings were strong enough to get through anything.
I know mine are, I wouldn’t be still loving him if they weren’t. But I guess my love isn’t enough for him.
But that doesnt mean I will ever stop loving him, because I never will stop, my heart my soul, my body and my life belong to Ross.
I love him way to much.
And when things come to light in the near future, I just hope he knows that, that I would take that bullet for him, I would die for him, walk over burning hot coals, move mountains and I will always love him, forever and always.