Cold so cold

imageSo today has gone, without a single tear what is wrong with me, have I lost all heart.
Why can’t I cry for him. Why do tears full so easy when I think of Ross, but I can’t cry for any other reason.
My heart can’t have hardened that much through heart break.
Have a frozen all emotion to the point that I can’t feel anything other than love for Ross and longing to see him.
What has happened to me, porter was one of my best friends. My closest friend, why can’t I cry for him.
Maybe it’s guilt, that I will be allowing myself to cry over someone else.
It can’t be that, Ross would understand, if he still cared at all.
Do I really want to close off my heart?
I know right now all I can feel is pain of loosing him, my best friend in the world my soul mate. Life is unbearable with out Ross in it and now it’s made harder by not having the 2nd person I trust not at the end of the phone.
Trust me I’m gutted and hurting that porter has gone, I miss him. And although I shouldn’t say it, loosing Ross is so much more painful.
I know porter is now with the best of them and out of pain, he was in so much pain.
I guess he is free and in a way that helps with loosing him.
Ross on the other hand I can’t get over.
I love him, with every inch of my being and I can’t seem to stop those feelings.
God I’m so stupid he doesn’t care about me in the slightest, he doesnt love me.
That hurts it really hurts, more than anything.
Love sucks, death sucks, and I just wish death would hurry the f*** up and come and take me.