A kinda poem for Ross

imageYour love was like ice cream on a hot summers day,
Waves crashing on the shore
And butterfly’s dancing in the breeze.
White fluffy clouds drifting ever so gently across the horizon,
Picnic baskets full of strawberries and cream.
Candy floss and toffee apples, as the sky alights on bonfire night.
The sparkle of the lights on the Christmas tree and the roaring fire flames on a winter’s night.

Your touch was like a mug full of costa coffee, warming me from the inside to the out.
Dancing to the perfect melody, so sweet. It takes your breath away.

Your friendship was the perfect lazy day, full of movies, coffee, chocolate and cigarettes.

Your eyes were like the deep blue ocean, so full of soul and beauty.

You are the perfect beginning to everyday and the perfect end to every evening.

I’m head over heels in love with you.
Forever and always xxx

It ties you down and helps you fly, it’s really quite astonishing.

imageLove is sacrifice, compromise, tolerance and a whole bunch of other scary words.

Love changes perceptions of beauty.
Love is fond of love handles and stretch marks.
Love strokes your fuzzy hair

It knows that wrinkles and crow feet testaments to a life lived together.
Love teaches you to find the ordinary, extraordinary.

Love is forgiving.
It grants forgiveness before you ask, but oftentimes makes you say sorry anyways, because it’s good for you to be humble.
Love knows it will hurt you too.

Love is forgetful.
It forgets old words and old wounds.
And even when it remembers, it also remembers to stay kind.
Love has the worst fight of your life with you and then, right after, shares a coffee.
It will leave the last rollo for you.

Love it will be a spark,
a raging fire, of flutters in your gut one day.
Years later, it will be a steady burning ember, a sense of stability as solid as a rock and all flutters will always be there.

Love flips your idea of humanity upside down.
You think you know people and then you see what they will do for love’s sake, how far they will stretch the limits of themselves to care for the one they love and it makes you swallow, hard.

Love understands your weaknesses. It doesn’t mock that you are scared or you get cranky if you’re hungry.
It knows you have to drink your coffee really, really milky.

It will be quiet when you don’t feel like talking.
It will laugh uproariously at your lame jokes during a party to save you from embarrassment.
Love is loyal.

Love is a paradox.
It is awkward and graceful.
It is restful.
It is wild.
It is hurtful and healing.
It is gentle and tough.
It is confusion and clarity.
It strengthens you and makes you vulnerable.
It ties you down and helps you fly.
It is as rare as a pearl and as common as breath.

Love doesn’t always make you happy.
But it makes you better. Happy too, but also unhappy.
Because love knows that its central function in your life is to help you grow.
Growth hurts.
Every day, love changes you to become a version of yourself you didn’t know existed. Expanded. Stretched somehow.

Love is not a substitute for reality nor does it ask you to live in a more fantastic version of it because love lives real life.
And in real life, love knows, there are good days and bad days.

Love is beautiful.
Ross is love, forever my love.

I reached a point of no return.

images-1As I try to let in the light and new way of thinking, I have to get this out first, not for negative reasons but to put it out there, in hope that maybe there is someone thinking the same thoughts and reading this may get them to see they are not the only ones in pain…….

Deep inside I wanted to scream out for help. Deep inside I wanted to say,
“I just can’t do it anymore”.
Deep inside I wanted to give up.
Deep inside I fought for an answer.
I didn’t find one.

I reached a point of no return. I would never ever be the same.
He doesn’t loved me.
I was nothing.

Then I hit the bottom.
It was dark, scary and I thought of things I had never wanted to think in my life.
I wanted out. I wanted to quit.
I didn’t think I was worth anything.
I was gone.

I sat at the bottom of my stairs and cried. Hours went by before I realized that I was crying.
My dad had apparently been talking to me the whole time, I don’t remember a second of that time.

I didn’t know what to do. I wonder everyday how I’m going to live through this pain and sorrow.

I let a few more days go by and I was feeling a little better (I thought). I figured that I would continue to do better, however the next day it hit again.

That night after Marly and dad were asleep, I walked out the door and went for a walk.
I found myself so frustrated and then realized I wanted to get away from it all.

The stress, pain and heartache had been too much and I began to run.
I had no intentions of turning back. I came to a crossroads and I thought of how easy it would be to walk into the street as a car came by.

At that very moment in my life I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before, hoping with all hope that I would receive an answer. ( that’s saying something as I never pray)
As I was just about ready to give up and walk in front of a moving car, thoughts of determination came across me, I knew I had to fight for love.

I began to wonder if it was going to be possible to come out of this state and save myself from this very dark place….

Things began to get really bad. There were a few times where I was scared that I was going to hurt myself more so than I had already.
I didn’t feel worthy of anyones love. I thought that I had been trying in vain to feel better about myself and my life.
At that very moment in my life I felt like it was time to end it.
The only thing I could think of was that I didn’t want to hurt anymore.
I still think that and I know I’m my worst downfall by not giving up on him, I know I hurt myself everyday but I know also he’s worth it.

So what happens when you hit rock bottom, it’s hurts more than any pain I can ever put into words but still cracks start appearing again and I start to fall once more, waiting helplessly to hit the ground harder and faster than before.
Praying that he may one day break my fall.