As I try to let in the light and new way of thinking, I have to get this out first, not for negative reasons but to put it out there, in hope that maybe there is someone thinking the same thoughts and reading this may get them to see they are not the only ones in pain…….
Deep inside I wanted to scream out for help. Deep inside I wanted to say,
“I just can’t do it anymore”.
Deep inside I wanted to give up.
Deep inside I fought for an answer.
I didn’t find one.
I reached a point of no return. I would never ever be the same.
He doesn’t loved me.
I was nothing.
Then I hit the bottom.
It was dark, scary and I thought of things I had never wanted to think in my life.
I wanted out. I wanted to quit.
I didn’t think I was worth anything.
I was gone.
I sat at the bottom of my stairs and cried. Hours went by before I realized that I was crying.
My dad had apparently been talking to me the whole time, I don’t remember a second of that time.
I didn’t know what to do. I wonder everyday how I’m going to live through this pain and sorrow.
I let a few more days go by and I was feeling a little better (I thought). I figured that I would continue to do better, however the next day it hit again.
That night after Marly and dad were asleep, I walked out the door and went for a walk.
I found myself so frustrated and then realized I wanted to get away from it all.
The stress, pain and heartache had been too much and I began to run.
I had no intentions of turning back. I came to a crossroads and I thought of how easy it would be to walk into the street as a car came by.
At that very moment in my life I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before, hoping with all hope that I would receive an answer. ( that’s saying something as I never pray)
As I was just about ready to give up and walk in front of a moving car, thoughts of determination came across me, I knew I had to fight for love.
I began to wonder if it was going to be possible to come out of this state and save myself from this very dark place….
Things began to get really bad. There were a few times where I was scared that I was going to hurt myself more so than I had already.
I didn’t feel worthy of anyones love. I thought that I had been trying in vain to feel better about myself and my life.
At that very moment in my life I felt like it was time to end it.
The only thing I could think of was that I didn’t want to hurt anymore.
I still think that and I know I’m my worst downfall by not giving up on him, I know I hurt myself everyday but I know also he’s worth it.
So what happens when you hit rock bottom, it’s hurts more than any pain I can ever put into words but still cracks start appearing again and I start to fall once more, waiting helplessly to hit the ground harder and faster than before.
Praying that he may one day break my fall.