All the little things……

imageWhen it comes to memories it’s the little ones that matter.
One of my favorite memories is walking from yours into Bognor to catch the train.
Rain was pouring down on us and we were laughing, singing, and jumping in the puddles, splashing each other.
We were happy, holding hands and totally madly in love with each other.
I’m not 100% sure why that even sticks out in my mind, but there was something so magical about that walk in the rain.
I guess maybe it could be that it’s the simple things in life that mean the most.
Every memory I have with you is so god damn special but it’s the little things that stick to mind more than most.
Like holding hands walking down the street. The joy on your face when we met at the station, the sadness in your eyes when I had to leave.
Even our trips to subway mean so much. Just watching you see how much of those 12 inches you could eat.
Another one that sticks out too, is my spit wash on the underground, I will never forget you licking your finger and washing me. I giggle to myself every time I think about it.
There are so many memories, so many perfect moments.
Every moment was perfect, because we were perfect, you are perfect.
You loved more than you will ever know.
I love you Ross, please try to remember the little moments, remember how every second together was incredible, how happy we were .
I love you xxxxoooxxxx

Knocked me off my feet.

imageWhen the meds take their toll on you and you can’t seem to keep your eyes open, your head aches so much you want to be sick, every step becomes much harder.
Talking to customers becomes unbearable and all I want to do is go home and get in bed, hoping sleep will come, knowing unlikely it will but just to shut my eyes would be a god send.
But what I would love more than that when I feel this rough is for Ross to take me in his arms and hold me, I know his touch could work magic.
I know it stupid but when I’m having a bad day, when the meds are not being kind, I miss him more than ever.
All I want is to fall into his arms and be told that it’s all going to be ok.
It takes a lot to knock me off my feet health wise but my god, today is hard.
I need him, I need him so much, I know he can give me the strength to beat the bad moments.
I know his love could save me

Is the grass really greener ?

imageEveryone is always talking about, there is more to life than this.
The problem is, we become restless. We can’t settle on what we already have or be satisfied with what we’ve got because we’ll always be wondering about the next big thing, if life could be better.

It’s called “the grass is always greener” syndrome.
Our thoughts run wild with us and we think everyone else is having a better time elsewhere. In doing so we make ourselves miserable by constantly thinking about the unknown in an endless quest to find happiness when if you look closer you could have already had it right under your nose.
I know I did.
And the saying “The World is your Oyster” has us all itching to see the world, because we all think those holidays are greener, so we puzzle over should we pack up our lives and see the world, settle somewhere else, but when roots are down will it still be the case of greener, or will the troubles of life just keep flooding you no matter where you are.
How long will the grass stay greener.
Is it not a case of better the devil you know, than the one you don’t.

Shouldn’t we counting our blessing and enjoying what we have around us and what we already know.
Is there not comfort in feeling safe?
Ok the view looks pretty over that fence but is it home? Is it felt in the heart?
Will it hold close the people you love, will it give you everything you need to be happy, give you the warm fuzzy feeling you get in moments you’re not stressing about bills, work and everyday crap that crashes down on most of us every day.
Isn’t it just running away, and how long will it be until your once again looking for the next fence and the greener land?

Shouldn’t we be looking at what we have already and thinking, omg my grass is the best in the street.
I have love to give, a roof over my head, friends who care and food on my table.

Does where it is really matter? It’s who is there living life with you that matters, it’s who you love that makes a place worth staying and makes it home.
I only know this through finding that feeling and seeing that where your heart is, is home.
Be it a cardboard box on a street corner, if I could be with the guy I love, it would be the greenest grass and the best dwelling there is to be seen.
For I know that as long as your with the person you love, there is no greener grass, because love is all you need to feel like a queen or a king.
You’re the richest person there is when you’re in love.
There are no more sitting on fences wondering if there is better out there because the heart knows you already have it all.

Why I do, what I do !

imageI want to try to explain why I spill my heart out to these blank pages of my wonderful site.
I want to try to explain why I make you videos and take pics for you.
Yes it’s for you.

I do what I do because I love you and it’s just a way for me to try to show you and I live in hope that you may once in a while pop on here and read it, or come across the videos on you tube.
I can only live in hope that one day you will see, listen or read.
I guess I will never know if you do.

So I’ve written you kinda poems, which I’ve then badly read out and put my voice on-line, I’ve posted photos of myself, and my life, and let my friends stick their phones in my face, all because I’m trying so hard to change many years of habit and although I hate photos of myself and feel uncomfortable in having photos taken, I’ve done it for you, because I know it drove you a little crazy that I didn’t.
I know it’s too late, but I want you to see I’m willing to open up to you, I guess in a small way it’s also a little to prove to you things, like the farm.
As for posting my voice in videos, now that was hard for me to do, but I wanted it to be personal, I wanted more than words , more than a photo I had taken for you, more than a sound track to the poem.
I wanted you to hear my voice and hopefully hear the meaning behind the words (poem)

As for your poem you wrote me, which I love, I had that made into a song for you as a gift to say thank you for being the perfect partner, for loving me how you did and although it came to late in the day, it still means those things and so much more now.
It means something so much deeper that I can’t put into words.
And when they asked if they could use it for their album all I wanted was call you and say how proud of you I am and how excited I was and I hoped to hear a little excitement from you to.
I want you to know I’m more than proud of your masterpiece and I love it, I truly do.

As for your song of the day, I don’t just post anything, with every song I put great thought into them and they all mean something, hopefully if you listen you will pick up the meaning as you know me more than I know myself most days and if not then the little write-up I do has clues to what those meanings are.

So I do these things because you are the most incredible guy and my heart belongs to you and I want you to know that I still love you and I want you to feel loved and special as you are special, more than, your incredible in my eyes.

As for my blog posts, they are more than blogs, they are my heart written on pages for hopefully you to read.
So you know how you have touched my life.
How you changed me and how much I miss you and most importantly how much I love you.
I’m writing my life down for the world to see, something I never thought I would do, as I’ve always been very private.
I will admit though I blog for me also, it’s a way of me coping, and not cutting which I’m kinda proud I haven’t done for a long long time and I thank you for that, I made a promise to you which I stand by and will do my up most not to let you down, I don’t want to break that promise to you.

So Ross, I hope that explains a little of why I do what I do.
But to put it short.
I do what I do, because I love you.

I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.

imageI have had the great honour of having a wonderful energy bought into my life and I wanted to thank her for being as special and wonderful as she is.
Friends are easy to come by but the true loving ones are hard to come by and when you find someone who you find to be an amazing, caring , a loving one, I think you are very lucky.
She has given me more hope, love and friendship than even my family and I class her as one of mine, she stands on higher ground than most of them.
I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her listening ear and her heart.
Her words have pulled me through the darkest days and I owe her my life in many ways.
What makes her even more special is she stood by our friendship when she could have shut me out when others did.
So I want to thank you for not giving up on me, for putting up with my tears and my broken heart and for being more than a friend and family.
You are one amazing person and I luv you loads.
I hope that our friendship never loses what it has and grows through out the years.
Thank you, thank you so much for being you and being there.

All my only dreams

imageLast night when I was sleeping, my mind was awake and thinking of you. I had the most amazing dream.
Your smile was bright, and shined from your eyes and it felt so good to feel your heart beat next with mine.
Eyes are said to be the core part of human beings to see but without the mind, the eyes tell a million truths and I know you could see the love I have for you in mine as I did in yours.
By the time I woke, my eyes were filled with tears and I knew it was only a dream, but at least I had you with me for a short time.
Your loving arms around me, holding me as close as you use to.
Your kisses on my neck as my knees went weak, as they always did, but we both know that just your smile made my knees weak.

So how could my heart not shatter more when I awoke and it was just a dream .
I miss those moments, I miss waking up with you and falling asleep with you but above all else I miss you for you.
The most amazing handsome man to ever walk this earth.
You truly are Ross.

I love you.

Message to heaven

image
Couldn’t let today go by without listening to our song, so many memories, so many good times, bad and sad ones to, but you know chicken that even though everything has changed and life is now harder than ever, I still chat away to you , Zack and Jane and I hope your all happy and you remember us down here.
You know you are right up there on the list of the most fantastic people I have had in my life and I miss you and my sis, but I think you two are causing trouble together and that makes the pain of your passing a little easier. And I want to say sorry for letting you go without flying out. But I stood by your wishes, but living with that is hard. I know you wanted to do things your way and that’s why we all stayed away when we wanted to be there. Truth is though, goodbyes hurt no matter how or when, and I know you didn’t want tears, but there had been plenty from us all and you have left one beautiful lady behind who I believe her hearts bleeds for you.
But in doing so has made me see that giving up on love just can’t be done, time or life is too short.
Thank you for teaching me that, thank you for giving me many years of friendship.

Happy birthday Ross

imageSo it’s your birthday and last year we woke up in each other’s arms, had the most perfect day, one only dreams are made from.
Every day was a dream when I was with you.
You know you won my heart from day one and there isn’t a moment that goes by that I ever stop loving you.
I only seem to fall more and more in love.
I guess that old saying “the heart grows fonder” is true and although I know it doesn’t stand true for you. I can’t help the way I feel.
Even through the pain and the little bit of bitterness I have felt of late, I can’t help loving you.
I wish you know how you have effected my life.
You gave me more love and happiness than I have ever felt but also caused me more pain, heartache and tears than anyone else has.
But you know what, that pain is nothing compared to the strength of the love I have for you and although I hate myself for loving you so deeply, for letting you knock down my walls and giving you my heart, I know your worth all the pain and my love for you is the strongest feeling I have ever had and yes I know it’s a wasted feeling because I’m not sure if you ever loved me :,-(
I don’t want to start believing you didn’t because I know you did and no amount of pain can take away those years we spent loving each other.
The year we spent lost in each others arms was the most amazing year and I want to thank you for that.
I want to thank you for showing me love is real and even though it is destroying me more each day, I know that I wouldn’t change my feelings for you, or the time we spent together.
Every moment we spent together touched our lives, our souls.
The things that we shared can never be taken away.
And what we discovered in each others eyes was so magical, it will never be matched, because the love I have is only for you. No one will ever come close to you.
No matter what the future will show we have touched our lives forever!
We were connected on such a deep levels that no one can remove that.
Your feelings are different now, I know that but you are part of me forever, your imbedded in my heart and a part of you will always be me.
No matter what happens, I’m certain our souls are one until life closes the curtain.
I will love your forever for worse or for better.
I will never forget you or stop loving you Ross.
I love you Ross.
Have a wonderful birthday.

Dear Zack

imageDear Zack.
It’s your daddy’s birthday tomorrow, going to be a sad day.
Never felt so far away from him as I do right now and I guess I best get use to that feeling.
He has shown more often than not that he doesn’t give a damn about me or you, or your memory, no one will know how hard that is, how much that hurts.
but always know that I will never forget you or stop loving you.

How could the guy I gave my life to, change so much, change beyond recognition.
I truly believe he had the best heart, was the nicest and most wonderful man I have ever met, and deep down I still believe that, but right now he shows no sign of holding any of those 😦

And it hurts to think he only contacted me because your nanny, more than likely told him to thank me for his birthday present.
I know it’s not the fact he wanted to. :,-(

I guess I’m writing to you because your part of him, us and I don’t want to talk about the negative feelings I have right now with anyone as I hate myself for having them.
I’m guessing it will pass, but only time will tell.

I know deep down I’m just hurt that he didn’t ask about your case and that’s made me hurt more than normal.
Well time is running out, and I guess it is now down to him to ask me, because the coldness, unfriendliness has got to me more than ever.
Yes I still love him, want to be with him and I miss my best friend so much, it hurts to breath without him.
I’m hurting baby boy, I’m hurting so much.

I love you my sleeping baby bean angel.
Sleep peaceful.
Kisses from mummy and your big sis.