I have to get a few things of my chest and if this ends up reading as hurtful, it’s not meant to be. I would never want to hurt your daddy for the world, i love him way to much.

So I go into labour, excitement takes over, along with fear, I have to get back to the uk and fast.
I’m advised to hold fire until I have been seen by a doctor.
Which of course I do, your safety has to come first.
I tell your daddy what’s going on and get a cold response of, “well keep me informed.”
Which of course I do.

I try to put his feelings first and do what ever I can to get us back to him.
You have to remember that all the while I’m in full-blown labour and the pain is out of control, I refuse pain control as I do not want anything stopping me getting to your daddy.
I want nothing more than to be holding his hand when I bring you into the world.

I couldn’t remember labour being so painful and I’m all alone, I wouldn’t let anyone in because I wanted to be doing this with your daddy and if I couldn’t be with him, no one else was going to be anywhere near.
Your safety and being with daddy was all I cared about.
Putting the pain out of my mind, well trying to, I paced around making calls and moving hell and fire to get home.
It’s now late, and the medi plane is sorted to fly us back.
Ross now is hardly talking to me and I’m more alone than I have ever been in my life. My heart is breaking but i am trying to stay strong.
I try so hard to put it out my mind and try to stay calm so that you will be calm.
Your daddy decides after a good few drinks to put him self to bed.
He’s left me to face this alone, that one thing I didn’t want to happen.
I NEVER thought he would do that to me. Your his baby to.
We should be together.
I’m totally heartbroken at the way he has been in the last 12 hours.

So anyway my contractions are getting closer and closer and I knew deep inside me that I will need to push soon, but I can’t I need to get to daddy. I just wanted to be with him, i love him more than anything.
Praying and crying uncontrollable now, I just wanted to hold you in until I was with daddy. In just a few hours we will be in the plane, flying home.
I’ve never been so scared in my life.

It shouldn’t be like this, it should be a happy time, we should be over joyed at your birth is coming very very soon.

But there I was, just me, totally alone, French doctor and midwife in the room with me and I can’t understand a word they have said to me.

I’m frightened, very very FRIGHTENED.

Does your daddy not relies what I’m facing alone and yes I know it’s not his fault he’s not here but Jesus I wish he had been on the phone instead of sleeping off the beer he had poured down his neck.
And yes I understand he’s reasoning for having a drink or two and I don’t hold that against him, I really don’t.
I loved him so, so much and I just wanted him by my side.

So as he slept, I had to push, you didn’t want to wait, so I have no choice but to do, what my body is telling me, your coming and I have no power to stop you.
So I’m told I’m screaming for Ross as I push, all I remember was the pain and the tears. I just wanted your daddy.
Why why why couldn’t I be with him.

Your head is now out and I know it’s so close I’m scared so scared and overwhelmed all at the same time.
As I push you out and wait for your cry, there is no cry, silence 😦 , the room goes silent and the doctor leaves the room with you wrapped in a towel.
I remember screaming, screaming at the midwife, I can’t remember what I said, it’s all a blurrr.
I’m told to deliver the afterbirth or alien as daddy would have called it.
By this point I’ve lost all control of my emotions and I’m crying out for my baby, I want you in my arms, why have they taken you away. Its Mk all over again. Its terrifying.

Why isn’t daddy here. Why why why, is this happening?
The doctor returns and tells me you were stillborn.
My world in the second crashed around me.
I can’t remember much more about the next few hours, I remember standing in the shower, water pouring over me and the next minute I’m on the ground uncontrollably crying, screaming.
I have no idea how I got dressed and left my aunties house or the trip back to the UK.
All I knew was I had to be with your daddy.
The next few days were a blurrr but the most painful of my life.

I lost both of you that day.

I lost my world. I lost everything 😦

Life will never be the same again, it now is just black hole that the floor is cracking on and I’m stuck, Trapped, waiting for the dark to get darker, hoping that daddy will hold out his hand and help me.