Guilt

imageSo it’s been an all round shit day. For a start I’m feeling like crap, want to throw my guts up but to beat that I had my last meeting with my lawyer before court next month.
Our meeting always drive me to tears, hearing the god damn nasty shit my aunt and her so called boyfriend pulled off.
It’s heart breaking and if it wasn’t for them I know 100% my life would be so different
I would wake up happy instead of waking up wishing I hadn’t.
I don’t hate many people but boy I do them
They destroyed my life.
But then I feel guilty, she is my aunt and I shouldn’t think bad of her.
I guess she had her reasons for what she did but I know deep down that I pity her, it must be hard to feel so desperate.
To long for something so badly. I understand that because I long to see Ross’s face again so much

Work had also sucked
I go in on my day off and my customers don’t show up and I feel so sick by this point I can’t hardly stand up so I ask to go home.
You think I would have murdered someone by the way my boss responded but I left anyway.
I hate that job, it’s just a bitch central :-/

Only good thing to come out of today was a call to a special friend, one I miss loads. She always makes me smile.

Talking of friends, I feel like I’ve lost all the most important people in my life, Ross being the most important and then I miss his mum terribly and his little sis. And then Porter, I can’t get my head around the fact he is gone, it’s strange him not being around, I miss his wit.
I guess I’m my own worst down fall as I have been far to good at putting the walls up and have shut the rest of my friends out and I’m sorry for that.
But I’m just not ready to keep the fake smile on in front of you all.
And right now all I want to do is fall into Ross’s arms and cry until I’m cried out.
Holding back the tears is hard work

May i say that in my life I have met only one amazing person. I realise again that just how much i love him and how much he means to me, how much I want him and that there isn’t a thing that i won’t do for him
There is nothing in this world that would want to make me not be with him, would make me love him less or even make me change how I feel about him. I know im not perfect, and in some way I’m glad I’m not, I make mistakes everyday, I say things without thinking, i do things without thinking, but everyday I try my best to make fewer mistakes than what I did yesterday, to learn from them and to make better mistakes when I do make mistakes.
Babes, I love you with my whole heart, with everything that is in me, I love you no one else, nothing would be able to replace you, I love you Ross

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