Looked on a face ……

imageI love you not because you loved me too. I love you not because i have to, but I love you because your you and too many miles separate us, and too many days have passed since I looked on a face with anything like your handsomeness.
I will always remember everything we’ve gone through, I know you have forgotten about me and believe that what we had was nothing, but I still love you and your still the one that my heart belongs to, it’s like this force shield!
I just love you and I hope that you could remember us and all the times we had.
You know what, the pain I feel inside seems incurable, I love you so much.
I know sometimes I’m not fun, or interesting, or pretty and I know things haven’t always been easy but my love for you, is so pure, so true, so loyal and no one will ever come close to loving you as much as I do.
I wish you believed the same as I do that, love is what’s important, that love can mend any bad situation and everything can be overcome with the love I feel for you.
I truly do love you Ross.



imageDon’t know what to say really apart from today has been a mix of ups and downs and now feeling really low, fighting the tears and if I’m honest I don’t know were to turn.
Feeling kinda alone and as is the norm, the one person I want to be here for me isn’t.
I guess he’s the reason I feel crap, or maybe the meds are in my blood now and I’m going to feel like crap from now on.
And for what? a life time of being alone and unloved by the guy I adore.

So anyway I heard from him today.
If only he knew how that touched me and how happy I was to hear from him, and even though it was short, it still meant more than he will ever know.
Now my heart aches and all I want to do is talk to him.
I wish I had the balls to just call him but I know he won’t answer. I know he won’t talk to me and that kills me.
I’m hurting so badly.
I just want us to be on talking terms and maybe work at being friends.
How can what was such a wonderful friendship and love turn to nothing over night?
How can feelings die so quickly ?
I don’t want to lose our friendship, I miss that more than anything and the silence hurts more than everything else.
I just want him back in my life.
I miss him so much
Ross, no matter what has happened, I thought and still believe we were stronger than that, that I meant something to you. That you loved me :,-(
You know I would do anything for you, you know how I feel about you. Your my life and I love you. I just want to have you in my life no matter how.
Your my best friend and I miss you x

One road to recovery.

imageKind of a different post to what I have been writing lately.
Dont drop dead with shock as this isn’t about Love, broken hearts or Ross.

Today I started treatment, treatment that I really do not wish to be undertaking as to me, Life without him doesn’t seem to be worth fighting for.

So I get to the hospital this morning, I get called on time, shock horror, normally they are running late. Maybe my luck is in for once.

No …… I spoke to soon, I get a doctor who doesn’t understand english, and is standing in so knows very little about the treatment I am starting today.
She sits on you tube, trying to find out how they fit the implant that she is meant to injecting into my tummy.
Got to say, that put the fear into me, my god that needle looks huge.
After a good 10 minutes she decides to go and speck to someone and I’m told to go and wait for her in the subwaiting area.

10 minutes or so later and she returns with a nurse in tow, Im taken to a different room and told to get on the bed.
The nurse I must say is lovely and explains that it is going to be very painful and explains, when I have the next course, that it will be done in different areas as the scar tissue will be nasty.

Bless her, she agreed to me taking photos as I explained that after doing research on my treatment, that I found very little on-line and that I want to make an online diary of my treatment, in hope that it may help others who may need a little information. (maybe also because I feel like I have to prove everything these days)

Bracing myself for pain, she freezes the area and next thing I know is its over with.
Hmmmmm – no pain. feeling kinda brave and proud that I handled that without a flinch.
So off the bed I get and my knees go from under me, shocking pains in my tummy and I wanted to throw up.
Thank god it only lasted for a few minutes or so.
So I’m told to take myself home and to spend the next few days in bed, well that’s not going to happen, back into work for me this afternoon.
I guess now, I just have to wait for the side effects to kick in and feel like crap for the next month, until I have to go through it again.
My online diary I hope to get live within the next few days, depending on how I feel I may post little pieces of it here.
Until next time, have a good day guys. take care.