Dear Zack

imageDear Zack.
It’s your daddy’s birthday tomorrow, going to be a sad day.
Never felt so far away from him as I do right now and I guess I best get use to that feeling.
He has shown more often than not that he doesn’t give a damn about me or you, or your memory, no one will know how hard that is, how much that hurts.
but always know that I will never forget you or stop loving you.

How could the guy I gave my life to, change so much, change beyond recognition.
I truly believe he had the best heart, was the nicest and most wonderful man I have ever met, and deep down I still believe that, but right now he shows no sign of holding any of those 😦

And it hurts to think he only contacted me because your nanny, more than likely told him to thank me for his birthday present.
I know it’s not the fact he wanted to. :,-(

I guess I’m writing to you because your part of him, us and I don’t want to talk about the negative feelings I have right now with anyone as I hate myself for having them.
I’m guessing it will pass, but only time will tell.

I know deep down I’m just hurt that he didn’t ask about your case and that’s made me hurt more than normal.
Well time is running out, and I guess it is now down to him to ask me, because the coldness, unfriendliness has got to me more than ever.
Yes I still love him, want to be with him and I miss my best friend so much, it hurts to breath without him.
I’m hurting baby boy, I’m hurting so much.

I love you my sleeping baby bean angel.
Sleep peaceful.
Kisses from mummy and your big sis.

Deep within

imageAs you get older, what you look like on the outside becomes less and less of an issue, and who you are on the inside becomes the primary point of interest. You eventually realize that beauty has almost nothing to do with looks, it’s who you are as a person, how you make others feel about themselves, and most importantly, how you feel about yourself.
Can you really look at yourself and be proud or like who you are and how you treat people. Can you live with yourself ?

Mistakes in life are made all the time, but it’s how you handle those mistakes what matters.
As I said before I have made plenty, but I have done my up most to try to make them better.
And at times most of the time I find it hard to live with those, but I have tried to make a mends and in doing so have been blanked and beating my head against a brick wall.
That more than hurts you know, it destroys part of you.
But I’ve tried, I’ve tried to make things better, to make things right.
I guess it will never be good enough, no matter what I do.
At least I had the good will or heart to try.
And yes it still hurts to see the response I get.
Most of the time no response at all.
So is it all in vain ?
I’m thinking yes it is.
I’m thinking maybe I was in the wrong, that maybe just maybe, love just isn’t what I thought it was, that my feeling have always been the real deal but maybe just maybe that was never felt the other way round.

Right now though I can live with myself, because I have done every thing I can to put things right, I’ve shown openly, too openly maybe, how I feel, only to be met with the hardest hurt I’ve ever felt.
I’ve lost myself as a person, due to heartbreak.
And to be honest, I don’t like how sad I have become, how everyday is a struggle.
I like the happy me, the me I was a year ago.
Maybe I will never find that me again, but I will learn to be strong and pull my socks up.
I’ve already learnt, that words can make you feel on top of the word, but my god, they can also destroy and silence is the biggest killer.