Darkness

imageAll I can say right now is I love you Ross, please never forget that.
All I want to do is see you and talk things through, I wish you could find it in your heart to do that.
I miss you and it’s hurts more everyday.
I miss you so much, if only you could feel what I feel for just one day and see how painful it is.
I want to hear your voice, see your smile and your wonderful eyes.
I can’t explain how hard this is, all I know is, is it’s the most painful, heartbreaking time of my life, I’ve never felt, love or lose like this.
I wish you could understand how much pain I’m in
I’ve lost the most important person, my best friend and my soul mate, and it’s so hard to live without you.
This is killing me.
I love you Ross so god damn much and I miss us, I miss you.

Screaming just doesn’t cut it.

imageBad luck seems to follow me and my family about, I don’t know why but it just seems to be one thing after another.
Bless my poor mum, she is still trying to get over an op, which recovery is slow and doesn’t seem to be getting better, and now after visits to the doctors, they think she will have to battle more, a different kind of cancer.
I can’t believe it, it’s all to much.
I love my mum and have become close to her in the last few months.
This hasn’t always been the case when she was married to john, life was hard as a kid and we never really bonded.
Now though she has come into her own, found herself and is happy, the happiest I have ever seen her.
She is trying so hard to build bridges and I am willing to forgive and let our relationship grow, I must say its nice to finally have a mum in my life and even though at times I find it hard to open up to her and pass up the blame game, I’m trying I really am.
I just don’t get why everyone I open my heart to, either close the doors or die.
I can’t loose her, I’ve lost everything in the last few months and I don know how much more I can handle.
I’m on the edge as it is.
Maybe I’m better to close all doors and shut out the world so the hurt just doesn’t keep coming.
For I’m finding this quote to be very true in my life and all I want is to be able to love Ross and for my mum to be well.
Life really is a cruel nasty bit**

Love: A single word, a wispy thing, a word no bigger or longer than an edge. That’s what it is: an edge; a razor. It draws up through the center of life, cutting everything in 2. Before and after. The rest of the world falls on either side. Before and after–and during, a moment no bigger or longer than an edge.