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imageDon’t want to blog, don’t want to share how I’m feeling but if I don’t I think the tears will flow and they won’t stop.

So today I got to see his wonderful face. I got to see the guy I love with all my heart.
And even though it was short and very very very painful, I’m glad I got to see him.
Why I do not know!

It wasn’t my plan to be there when he got home, I was just about to leave so we didn’t bump into each other.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way, I’m sorry that I was there when he walked through the door.
I’m sorry about so many things but I’m sorry mostly that I can’t control my feelings and that my heart has shattered more than ever.
I’m sorry that I’m allowing my heart to love him, I’m sorry that I have no control over my feelings.
I am sorry that he has made me so weak and that I can’t bring myself to hate him.

I’m sorry that walking out his room was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

And I’m angry that I’m hurting so badly.
I’m angry that I can’t stop the pain.

Right now I’m so close to the edge and I wish I wasn’t home alone, I wish I could drink myself into a state that I could forget how it feels to feel.
I hate the fact that he makes me feel like life is pointless without him and that the thoughts of not turning up to my treatment tomorrow is running rings around my mind.
That I just don’t see the point of fighting this, without him in my life.
I hate how he makes me feel.
But I can’t stop loving him.
Broken is an understatement
Destroyed doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Knowing ……

imageA women who knows what she wants !
Is that a bad thing?
Is it what a guy looks for in a relationship ?
Or is it a case of the man should rule and the women do as she is told, wear what’s she is told and start to believe his own views are hers?

Myself – I know what I want !
I want only to be loved by one man and one man only.
I want him and that’s it.
I could live in a box in the street, as long as I had him, the world would be put to rights.

With women though, is it scary for a man to have a women on their arms who knows her own mind, her own beliefs.
Does it put them off?

Is it also a head f*** to know someone loves you, their feelings are so strong, that they would happy give their life to you, die for you, all in the name of love.

I have to say that when he felt like that about me, I was the happiest person alive.
There is no greater joy than to feel loved by the person you love, the person you happily gave your heart to.

So when a women, knows her own mind, her dreams, her goals is the too much to handle?