Don’t want to blog, don’t want to share how I’m feeling but if I don’t I think the tears will flow and they won’t stop.

So today I got to see his wonderful face. I got to see the guy I love with all my heart.
And even though it was short and very very very painful, I’m glad I got to see him.
Why I do not know!

It wasn’t my plan to be there when he got home, I was just about to leave so we didn’t bump into each other.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way, I’m sorry that I was there when he walked through the door.
I’m sorry about so many things but I’m sorry mostly that I can’t control my feelings and that my heart has shattered more than ever.
I’m sorry that I’m allowing my heart to love him, I’m sorry that I have no control over my feelings.
I am sorry that he has made me so weak and that I can’t bring myself to hate him.

I’m sorry that walking out his room was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

And I’m angry that I’m hurting so badly.
I’m angry that I can’t stop the pain.

Right now I’m so close to the edge and I wish I wasn’t home alone, I wish I could drink myself into a state that I could forget how it feels to feel.
I hate the fact that he makes me feel like life is pointless without him and that the thoughts of not turning up to my treatment tomorrow is running rings around my mind.
That I just don’t see the point of fighting this, without him in my life.
I hate how he makes me feel.
But I can’t stop loving him.
Broken is an understatement
Destroyed doesn’t even begin to cover it.