Was I right or wrong?

imageLet me tell you my story, one of heart ache, death not just in body but also in the soul.
2013 I believed was my year, I was madly in love and loved back. The greatest feeling in the world. Nothing will ever match those moments, those feelings and those memories.
2013 started with a bang, in the arms of the man I adored, love, and worshiped the ground he walked on. Nothing in my eyes could match those first few minutes of the year 2013.
Still when I look back, I can feel those amazing feelings and memories.
2013 carried on like this for a good few months, waking up nearly everyday with my one true love, his face being the first and last I saw.

Dreams had finally come true, I was the happiest girl alive.

Life was more than I had ever hoped for, I had found my knight and he wasn’t in shining arma, he came in the form of the greatest treasure unknown to man.
If you have ever been in love, I mean really in love you will know what I mean.
Throughout those months, I tried to get my daughter home to the Uk, her health was a big issue and I was told every week, she was not fit to return. Coming from doctors and my aunt who was a nurse, of course I took their word for it, little did I know they were lying through their teeth, they just wanted to keep my daughter there. I was staying with my aunt until she was fit to travel. I have to admit, that my aunt, helped me, in the last few years, and wasnt always, so cold-hearted, I guess her desire to have a child took away all reason.
I can understand this to a level but it doesn’t mean it is right. Their love for my daughter came to destroy my life, my heart and she lost us all.
Due to their dark plans and lying about my C-section which he now admits he never booked – hence the court case, I couldn’t start the life, we had planned, I was spending most of my time in the Uk, because my baby boy was due and  we wanted to be together, sadly things didn’t work out this way and I gave birth to my sleeping angel in my aunts home. Zack was born still-born. To find out more about this, please read my other website.

http://www.zackmarks.co.uk/?p=101

From this moment, my life crashed around me, my dreams died, my heart shattered into a million pieces, which I know will never mend.
I can not go into much detail here as a court case against the doctor at hand, and I don’t want to mess up any outcome of the case but airing my feelings, of hate, anger and sorrow here. I don’t trust them not to use anything against me.

One day in my life changed me, and my life, happiness and heart forever.
Between three people I had my heart ripped from me, and smashed.
The one thing they don’t know is, that a love so deep can carry on no matter how badly one has been hurt.

If I open up here and speck the truth about how I feel, I do not say this to hurt anyone, I do not write in anger, because anger is a pointless emotion, that can destroy you as love can also.

I write this as a question that goes over and over in my mind.
How can someone say they love you and judge you on levels, that only hate can understand.
And the biggest question is……
How can I still love someone who, has judged me, hurt me, and broke my heart more than anyone has ever done. And for what reason?
If only he could listen and turn up at court and he will see how very wrong he is.
Love shouldn’t be about thinking the worst of someone, not trusting them, it should be about knowing that person, from the hours, minutes and seconds you spend with them.
It shouldn’t be about listening to other people’s points of view,and letting your mind work over time and believing those ideas, over your heart, the answers are in my hands, which I hold out and ask you to see the truth and then sit back and realise how wrong you all got it.
Until, you allow yourself to see the truth, you will always have in the back of your mind, the question of

“Was I right or was I wrong?”

One of the hardest things about all this, is the fact that someone I thought the world of, that was meant to love me, changed over night and let his own mind games, destroy the most beautiful relationship, built not just on friendship but Love.
I know the mind is very powerful and it sometimes hard to look past the thoughts that run rings around you. But to me, if you know someone and love them like you say you do or did, then you know that deep down that you can work through the thoughts, talking through things is the answer, not going of on one, on a whim.

Anyway that is enough on that matter, what is done is done, and the truth will be shown.
And I know I can hold my head up high, because I was telling the truth and nothing but the truth.
I  alone will win the court case and justice will be served, all the while, really what good will it do. It will just hurt me and others and I don’t want that, there has been more than enough pain.
It wont bring Zack back, it wont mend my heart.

Looking back.

imageSo we are a good few days into 2014 and all I can say is not much different from 2013. As they say same shit different year.
In all honesty hasn’t been that bad of a year so far. Had a funny old day yesterday, lots of giggles were had.

So what have I learnt from the year 2013.
Well it’s rather a lot.

I have learnt the true meaning of love friendship and trust.
I have to say that 2013 was somehow the best and worst year of my life.
How can that be?

The beginning was amazing, beyond words.
I was happier than I have ever been and maybe ever will be.
The end though was the most distressing, heart breaking, soul crushing, traumatic time I have ever lived through.
On a positive note though I learnt never to give my heart and soul to anyone.
To put someone first before anyone else.
Yes at the time I was doing the right thing and if I could turn back time and do it all again I would because the feelings/love was/is so strong that I couldn’t stop myself if I tried.
But I know now that giving your life to another only destroys you and love hurts in so many different ways.
My advice to you all is the only love you need is the love for yourself, without that, how do you ever come close to another loving you.

I have learnt that when someone tells you they love you, that, that may not really be the case ( my next blog will run deeper into this and you may see why 2013 broke me, the truth of my situation will under covered )

I have also learnt that friendship either from friends, loved ones or family is a funny old game, are they really there for you, do they really care, or are they just being nosie?
Once again I will uncover more of this in my next blog.

As for family.
I’ve learnt that family is not all it seems to be.
Are these people not meant to be there, help you and love you?
Are they not meant to stand by you and support you, not break your trust, love and life.
Please don’t get me wrong, parts of family have been fantastic over the last month or so but others, well I learnt a lot about you all and I hope that karma will find you, as they say what goes around comes around.
I know for one lady that 2014 will be the year, that karma will kick your ass and you will feel maybe if your heart allows it to feel at all, just a pinch of the pain you have caused me, my daughter and others I can not name.
And as I sit here and kick myself for feeling sorry for you because no matter what you are family and I personally do not want to bring pain upon you or your life, but justice has to be served (I’m sorry.)

2013 also brought me a new job, new skills.
Training in these was a joy, it kept my mind busy and I passed with flying colours, not sure how but I did.
I can’t say it’s my calling or I enjoy it that much, but it keeps my mind busy, for now that is a blessing.

Until later, I will leave you with this ……

You will never truly understand something until it actually happens to you.
This is my life, my feelings, my heart, I don’t except you to understand my love or soul but if my journey, my life can help you in someway, I guess my pain, love and heartbreak has some meaning.