You’re going to miss

imageI’m trying hard to think of something positive to say this morning.
So here goes……..
To be happy doesn’t mean you don’t desire more, it simply means you’re thankful for what you have and patient for what’s yet to come.
Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in trying to accomplish something big, that you fail to notice the little things that give life its magic.
So appreciate today for all it’s worth. Today is one of the good old days you’re going to miss in the years ahead.

Death brushes near.

imageTime passes so fast and life is walking with it to live and experience whatever is on its way.Life will break you.
Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.
You have to love. You have to feel.
It is the reason you are here on earth.
You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

I’m not the monster

So what a week, I end up in hospital in a fight for my life, and my poor mum has confirmation that she has skin cancer, on top of that they think that she may have a bleed on her brain due to the brain tumour they removed. The one that certain people didn’t believe me she had, until I had to post photos of her the day of her op.
The same people didn’t believe me when I said I was sick, and I’m sure that it took photos of my meds, my treatment and pics of me being in hospital to prove that I’m fighting something that is destroying the little part of my life I have left. The life I now have no passion to fight for because the one person I love with all my heart was one of the ones who never believed in me.
When did life get to a point that I have to prove everything.
When you love someone you shouldn’t judge or make up your own turn of events in your mind.
You stand by that person through everything and you wait until the time is right to put forward any mind questions you may have.
And still I’m here hoping that one day he will see I was always telling the truth and that I love him more than I do myself or anyone else, that I will always love him.
And that I’m not the monster he has painted a picture in his mind that I am.
My wish now is that the friends and family that do believe in me will forgive me for closing doors on them and that if I win this fight or not that they know that I am grateful for your time and love.
I will try to fight this for my family but it is for them and them alone as life with out Ross is not worth fighting for.

Free

image There will always be people who don’t approve of you.The way you look, the way you talk, the things you care about, the styles you like, the music you listen to, etc.
But the truth is these people’s opinions don’t matter one bit. It’s up to you if you let them ruin your day, or if you decide to stand up for yourself and except yourself just the way you are. Just be sincere and do your best. And if it’s not good enough for someone, it will surely be for someone else. (As I’m told it’s their lose)
You’re not here to please everyone.
Be nice,
be yourself,
be free.

I swear

The only good thing about being this ill, I get to see who really does care about me. But while I say good thing, it’s not because it hurts like hell and in true honesty I sometimes wonder why I’m putting myself through fighting this.
And for all you untrusting people who Didn’t believe that I am sick, I hope that you now see I am and you can eat your words.
And even though every time i move is hurts intensely it’s nothing on the pain of the last year.
And I swear until I’m on my death-bed that my broken heart is the reason my body has given up on me. I swear I’m dying of a broken heart.
Trust me when I say never fall in love because it will kill you.

Be

imageBe that good person, the one that’s hard to find.
Be someone who others trust without question, and never give them a reason to regret it.
Treat people generously all of your life.
Be quick to help out anyone in need, reach out to the less-fortunate.
When you speak..say something worthwhile, and always say it kindly.
Always face tomorrow with a smile.
Be someone who is worth admiration and praise, someone who lives the good life that they deserve.

50 shades of nothing.

imageI know in my head what I want to write, but putting it down here is proving to be hard.
When it comes to seeing the world, points of view or even your own thoughts.
Many of us see things black or white with no other shade in between.
And others open up their minds and see many different levels of colour.
To me there may have been in the past just black or white, I guess this is due to my stubbornness and my will to be right.
As I grow as a person and maybe with age to, I can see that not everything has to have a set colour, that if you open your heart and mind and even your ears and listen to the world around you, there is more than just black or even white. There are so many shades, each showing you something that you have closed your eyes to, or even your heart.

So now when my mind tells me one thing, I question that, and try to see different ways of viewing the situation.
Trust me at times it is hard, when your stubborn head is shouting loudly at you to believe what it wants you to believe.
It’s telling you there is not need for the benefit of dealt.
When really there is, if only you could just sit and listen, allow yourself to feel outside of what your head is screaming at you.

I guess maybe it goes the same for the head over heart.
The head being black and the heart being white.
One fight we all live every day of our time on this earth.

I for sure have a battle every day with mine, my heart always wins. I wish it didn’t sometimes.
I can see the different shades to, sadly though my heart seems to pull me away from any line of thought.
It screams at me every second of everyday.
And the days that I fight back and try to get over him, my heart will just not allow me to, this has to be the hardest fight of my life.
One that I wish I didn’t have to fight, and the shades repeat over and over that if people only saw the shades then maybe just maybe things would be different.

And maybe they would have been, but I will never know but I do wish that he could have seen the shades. That he could see the white shining brightly instead of the darkness that the black suffocates us in.
I wish he could have let his heart win.

Learn, grow and love.

imageThere are infinite levels of being ‘awake’, and it is never something that you can conclusively ‘obtain’.
There are only different stages of awareness, beginning with understanding how things are really run in the world and how it works, through awareness of being, awareness as self, awareness of the universe, and awareness of the no-thing.
All we can ever do is to continue to feed our soul information, learn, grow and love.
People who choose to follow a certain collective way of thinking, be it ‘sheeple’, football, drugs, alcohol, bad soaps, cups of tea, nationalism or whatever, are not wrong.
They are simply at where they are at in their individual consciousness.
You would not shout at a seed because it is not a tree yet, it will grow and develop in its own time.
As your consciousness grows, it is your responsibility to put out a loving, compassionate and understanding frequency and to spread light where possible. awareness is a beautiful thing, and it never stops, it’s never finished, it can only deepen.

Blood in my veins

imageTwo posts in one day, I haven’t done that for a while.
Thought that while I have a smile on my face, I may as well write a kinda happy blog. ( don’t drop dead with shock)

Well today I battled against the medicated state and the pain and took a little trip to see one of the most loveliest people I have ever had the pleasure of having in my life.
Had a really nice day, the sun was shining, the best company I could ask for. I for once had a real smile on my face.
I’m so grateful for days like today and her company. It’s just sad leaving.

Anyway my little trip made me see, that no matter how I build the walls around me, keep out of anyone’s way that reminds me of anything to do with my past. I discovered that, I’m a totally idiot to even try, because who ever I care about, in friendship or love, no amount of walls, silence or running away, can ever take that away from me.
I still care about my friends, family and the one I love.
Closing the door on any of them won’t change that.
It only changes me into this person I see in the mirror who I just don’t know anymore.
Truth of the matter is.
The heart doesn’t stop, because you want it to or you feel it should.
The heart is yours, it beats your blood around your body, it’s your ruler.
It’s you.
Listen to it and see what is important.
No ones points of view, or head games matter.
Your heart does.