It’s been raw, excruciating, painful, sickening, absolutely traumatising.

imageI’ve been completely numb.
Completely empty every day.
I can’t empathise, can’t sympathise, and I can’t laugh with out it being fake.

It’s hell.
I’m not sure what’s worse than hell but it’s been raw, excruciating, painful, sickening, absolutely traumatising.
I’ve had wonderful friends stick by me throughout this.
They’d come round and cuddle me and stroke my hair to stop me crying.
They’d answer the phone if I called them at 5am.

My mum has been my rock. She’s slept in my bed with me when I woke up from night terrors. She’s cried with me, and cried for me.

I think I built up a lot of repressed emotion from being numb.
And now it’s come out full force in a month and it’s overwhelming and uncontrollable and slowly destroying me, according to dad.
I’ve deleted about 200 if not more songs off of my iTunes because EVERY song reminds me of the better times, they remind me of him and I’ve ran out of the room if a song comes on the radio or on the TV that just, reminds me.
I’ve held onto the one promise I made and that’s to never hurt myself again.
No-one understands just how empty I am.
How sick to death I am of myself and how lost I am.
Not to sound melodramatic but I sometimes feel a breeze through my chest, where a heart once sat.
I am totally destroyed by my broken heart, by the love I have for him

I want to run.
I want out of this so-called life, I want my life back with Ross.