Be your own light.

imageIn life’s journey you will encounter much, narrow paths blocked by avalanches, forks in the road shrouded in fog, deep valleys of darkness and bright sunny days in meadows of golden poppies. It is all a part of life. And as you walk your path, other people will join you for a time, a dear friend, a lover, a spouse, children and parents. And then they may go away.

And through it all, the only constant is that you are you, that you have a core of truth within you and a path to walk, and if you allow your core of truth to tell you which fork in the road to take, if you allow that internal compass to tell you which mountain to climb, then you will do well indeed and have a fulfilling, interesting life. If you go trying to make things be other than how they naturally are, then you will find yourself suddenly awakening in a deep forest without knowing where to turn. You will find yourself lost and confused, because you have lost touch with your own personal truth.

And when this happens, you must just sit down in the forest, become very still, and return to yourself. You must reach down and find yourself again before you continue walking, or else you will simply go around in circles, becoming more desperate and alone and lost.

You are everything you need to be, just as you are, right now. You are the center of your own life. You are the beacon that shines and shows the way.

Be glad when others walk beside you, enjoy their company, connect as closely and deeply as you can, but always, always, shine your own light and walk your own path and allow them to do the same.

The truth hurts but silence kills, so please forgive me.

imageI never ever thought I would write this blog as its way too personal and it hits some truths I never thought I would ever say out load.
I have this over powering feeling that I have to say the things I’m about to say, I know full well that I will hurt a good few people but as my health seems to be taking a turn for the worst this week and it’s not long until I go under the knife, and as my family know too well that there is a possibility that I may just not come out the other side.

For those of you that stumble across this blog and know nothing about me, opening up isn’t the easiest thing for me.
I bottle my feelings up and if I’m honest there are a very few people who I will spill out my heart to.

Going back a few years now, I was told that my aunt Sarah and very good friend Porter had paid to trace my blood father.

I had never met him, and he didn’t even know about me until the day he had a call and visit from Porter.
He than was determined to have me in his life, which of course he does and I’m so lucky that I have him. He is one of the most interesting, caring, loving, wonderful people I have ever met, in my eyes only one man can out do him, my hero and soul mate Ross.

When I found out that they had traced my dad, I was over the moon, I was so happy, I finally could see the face I had longed to all my life, I would get to ask the questions that had played over in my mind.
I would finally maybe have a father that loved me.
It was a road I longed to travel, I had seen our meet many times over in my mind.
But I never thought it would throw me the emotions that drowned me.

Please don’t take this the wrong way as I don’t want to hurt the people who gave me the wonderful gift of my father.

Within minutes, hours and seconds I felt angry very angry not at my dad but at Porter and Sarah, I think this moment was the down hill spiral in all our relationships.
For weeks I hated Porter, I really hated him, I wanted him out of my life and a million miles away from me. (He never knew this and unless he can read this from heaven, he never will)
As for my aunt Sarah, she acted like she owned me, that she was in control of my life.
It’s my life and they took over, they used this is trap me, to control my every movement.
Porter I believe now, just wanted to help, that was him through and through, he just wanted the best for me, for my happiness, so why didn’t he see I was happy, I was the happiest I had ever been, I was head over heels in love and their actions, set off an all time low in my life.
As for Sarah, she used her findings as part of her sick game to take over my life and to get her hands on my beautiful daughter.

I was so angry at them, they had taken away from me, a dream of finding my dad, in me and Ross finding him.
Ross and I had spoken about tracing him, it was something I really wanted to do with the love of my life at my side.
They took that away from me and him.
They took away a dream, my dream, my life.

In the next few weeks, I lost all control of my emotions, self harm happened everyday, at dangerous levels, and that was down to them.
They had in their own way, driven me back to my childhood, the darkness surrounded me and I couldn’t make myself heard, I was screaming at them deep inside, to go and stay away, to get out my life.

I hated them, I really hated them.

But how could I be so selfish, why wasn’t I over joyed at the gift they had given me?

Maybe I was happier than I had ever been, but deep inside, I had dealt as I always have had about who I am, who did I come from?
I now had to face these issues and I didn’t want to, all I wanted was to be at home with Ross, I wanted to skip and dance along the road of love, a road I thought I never would have.
Why would I be worthy of love, when my own blood didn’t love me?

I believed for once in my life, that I was loved, that Ross really loved me.
He made me happier than anyone ever has, and he made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him, as I still do to this day.

Why couldn’t my family just let me be happy, why couldn’t they leave be and wait until I was ready to look for my dad, in the way I dreamed of looking for him?

I just wanted to walk my path, the one where my soul mate was with me.
Sarah just couldn’t let that be, she had to control every step it took, she had to belittle me at every chance she took, she had to act the hero, while all the time, she was the devil, the women who destroyed me.
And all the while we thought she was an angel.
She came across as the most loving person, I really did believe she cared and wanted to help me recover as my depression took over my life.
My only light was Ross, he just didn’t know it.
Ever since are first few messages he was always my light, my hero and I loved him from that very moment he sent me a message.
I knew than that he was the one for me.

Sarah though made her games work against me.

So the day I met my dad, I really can not remember much, all I wanted was to be somewhere else, in the arms of Ross, I wanted him to be with me, I wanted him involved, but Sarah said it couldn’t be that way.
My emotional state at the time just let her win, and as she planned (and admitted) she made me fall weaker and weaker and into a darker place.

Was finding my dad, just a porn in the game she played, and my god she played it well.

The thing is, she didn’t take into account how strong my feelings are/were for Ross and with every battle she throw in our way, we over came because we both knew that we were soul mates and were meant to be.
She won in the end though, she destroyed my life, she took away the one person who mattered to me the most, but one thing she can not take away is the love I have for Ross.
And even though Ross and I are over and she thinks she has won, she hadn’t because nothing can I compare to the time we spent together.
And no love will ever match what we felt and what I still feel.
And even though I do not have his love now, I would rather have a life time of being unloved, to being loved by anyone else.
No one will ever replace him, not even fatherly love.

So for my dad, little did he know, what twisted game he was being porned into, he still thanks Sarah and Porter for bringing us together.
I thank them to, and even though the time was wrong so wrong, my dad has been the dad I longed for.

I will admit though that sometimes I look at him and think, what if.
I don’t and can’t blame him, but there is something that bugs me and won’t let me let down my walls totally to him as I did with Ross.
Maybe that’s it, he’s isn’t Ross.
No one will ever be him.

So as I wait for the calls as people read this, and I get a mouthful for opening up my heart and telling the truth about how I really felt, I will hold my head up high and know that I have told the truth about how I felt and that I am sorry if I hurt anyone, but I’m not sorry for telling it how I feel it.

You are all so good at telling me to open up so here you have it, you have got what you asked for.

As I now put those walls back up and smile the smile you all want to see, I look at myself and the roads I have travelled, either in happiness or sadness, that one thing I will always know for sure, is I once had it all.
I really had it all and I thank my lucky stars for that.
I thank you Ross Marks and I love you, I will always love you.

Someone you believe……

imageYou will sometimes meet someone you believe is a soul mate, you feel the connection on many levels.
And as you get to know each other more, you begin to feel the connection deepen and you feel that you must have an arrangement with this person that predated this lifetime.
Your scared of the feeling, not matter how great it is, fear runs through you.
Fear is all part of the feeling of love.

Do not assume, however, that this soul connection necessarily means that you are meant to be happily together for this lifetime. It may be that you are meant to be friends, helping each other out. It may be that you are going to help each other in ways that even involve conflict and separation, but with an end result that is beneficial to you.
But you will find each other again, I’m sure on that.
The feeling you will get, when you meet again will be worth all the torture in this life time.

Personal journey

imageEveryone is on their own personal journey seeking their own self. Sometimes we take things too personal.
In order to really grow as a soul, you have to come to an understanding that no matter what someone else has done to you, no matter what you want them to be, people are who they are.
The less you expect from them, the less you will get hurt by them.

Standing at the cross roads, but I will never stop…….

imageLife sure feels funny at the moment, so much is going on and I’m fighting my hardest to stay out of hospital which I know deep down that I should be in there resting but I just do not have time to rest.

House hunting
Now this is a bitch,
Found a few perfect homes in Brighton, got in bidding wars and lost, I’m not going above the asking prize, now that’s just silly, it would be marketed for more if it was worth it.
Well I found the dream home last week, it’s beautiful full of charm, needs a little work doing to it, but as soon as I walked in the door it felt like home.
I put an offer in as soon as walked out the door.
I still hadn’t hard anything on Saturday so I rang and they told me it had gone. I kinda lost my rag on the phone, told them they need to learn how to do their job and asked for the manager to call me back. I was more than pissed at the time.
Well no phone call until this morning, when I’m informed that they are putting my offer to the owner, only a week late – hmmmm.
My reply was to go ahead but I am looking at others this evening and I will let them know tomorrow if I want to go ahead.
I’ve been packing up my house, the things I have found that I had forgotten about in the last year, it’s all taking double the time as I can’t stop looking at old photos etc. it’s a pig of a job but hey someone has to do it.

Yesterday I went a little crazy and booked a holiday, to see the northern lights, I’m so excited.
This isn’t the first time I have booked a ticket, I brought two early last year as a birthday and Christmas pressie for Ross, it was a dream of ours to go, so as a surprise I booked it.
I never gave it to him and I just couldn’t go myself, the heartache was just too much and as it was booked for valentine’s day I just couldn’t face it.
Tickets got thrown away.
Well anyway I booked two tickets, hotels, transport and tours.
Now it’s just thinking about who to take.
If I’m honest the only person I really want to go with is Ross.
I can’t see that happening but I know that’s what my heart wants.

I also have started researching again, a friend of mine, that I saw at a birthday meal thing last week was over hearing me talk about a family member of mine who had been given the Victorian Cross in the First World War, he went on to fight in the 2nd also and died in 1983.
This got her interested and now I am helping her research her family history.
It’s such a buss finding things for her.
It gives me things to think about rather than my broken heart, moving and my illness, which wants to control my life, well it’s not going to beat me, I won’t give into the pain and I will stay out of hospital for as long as I can, well I’m booked for surgery next month so I can’t hide from that one, lol.
The question is, will I afterwards every feel whole again. Having part of you insides removed has to be hard on anyone. But it’s a step closer to winning this war.
I may even pick up my tree and try and find out if we did come from lords. 3 children were born at a work house while the mother worked for a lord. Was he the father?

So life is a roller coaster at the moment but I have one big reason to smile and she does a fine job of it.
Time will tell in the next few days how my roads will map out but I’m looking forward to finding out where I will be in the next few months.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not fixed, not by a long shot, my heart bleeds every minute of everyday for Ross but I’m trying so hard to try to live.
I’m trying to look on the bright side and keeping a promise I made to him.
My love will never die, I still want to be with him, to grow old and live out our dreams together.
A love so strong will never die.

You are a soulful warrior!

imageEvery single one of you has what it takes to survive through any challenge that comes your way!
No matter how bad things seem in the moment, know you are never helpless and you are never hopeless.
You are not a victim of your current circumstances and you will not stand to be imprisoned by them.

Just by changing the way you view the challenges in your life and by believing in the power of positive thinking, you can ignite the strength of your soul and spark the warrior inside you.

Your emotions are a mirror of your thoughts, when you change your way of thinking, you will change the whole world inside you.

Just by finding the inner strength in you you can fight any battle, illness, broken heart, or what ever your troubles are.
Dig deep and find peace, not easy I know, I can’t master this in all challenges in my life but it sure does help with my illness.

You just have to believe.

imageWe are lucky again that we are alive and see and talk with each other.It is not for granted..! Each and every one of us is unique like a fingerprint. Our souls have their own personal design and no two people in the world are the same. Always remember how special you are and that there is no person out there that is exactly like you. Stand proud and believe in yourself because you are truly a gift and have so much to offer in this life time, you just have to believe it.

Need your help please.

imageThis is a different kind of blog from normal, I’m asking for help.

Not sure if it’s the medication I am on, but at night my whole body twitches uncontrollably, feel like no air is in my lungs, last night was so bad, it scared me to death, leaving me today feeling totally exhausted.
My body would not relax, and every time I thought I was finally starting to control the twitching/jumping it would happen again, leaving me to scared to try to relax as I had no control over anything, almost felt like I was fitting at times.

Does anyone have this happen to them?

To scared at the moment to call my consultant, I know he will put me back in hospital as this is happening more and more and right now I can’t handle being back in that place.
It is different from a panic attack, I had those for a long time a few years back so I know it’s not those.
I have looked on-line and most people blame coffee or weed, well as I do NOT smoke weed or cancer sticks and do not drink coffee or tea after 6pm I know it can’t be that.
I’m sure it is my meds but I have checked the side effects and it is not listed.
I’m at a loss, any help would be great.

And I will always love…..

imageA few years ago (I still like to think it was the day my heart began to feel for the very first time.)
The day I began to fall head over heels in love with the man of my dreams, not only that but my best friend and soul mate.
It was the beginning of something so beautiful, so tongue tangling delicious, butterflies dancing so wildly every flutter took my breath away.
Every word written, spoken and felt made my heart melt and I loved more than I have ever loved before.
Every second of every day that love has grown and grown into the over powering love I feel today.
And even though I am forbidden to express that love, feel the feelings that I feel and I’m fighting everyday not to spend my days crying for my one true love. I still love him, I still remember every memory, every touch, every kiss, every I love you.
And I smile at having that time with the man I will always love, the man who will always be my soul mate and always be my best friend.
Because even though he has been taken so cruelly out of my life, it doesn’t stop the feelings.
Even the days were I want to hate him, that I look back and wish I had never answered that pm he sent me, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I would not change the love we had, the love I still have.
Because I know the love I have for him will always be with me, I will always love him. My one true love Ross Marks.

And just for the record, so I have spelt it out to the world.
When really all I want is for him to know.

I love love love you Ross Marks and if you ever ever change your mind about me and see how much I love you and that no one will ever love you as much as I do.
If you ever miss me (which I know you don’t) then please just somehow let me know and I will drop everything and come running to you.
Because you’re still my everything, my world, my heart and soul.
I would still die for you and still want to die in your arms. I still want to spend every minute of everyday with you.

I really do love you, I always will.
My friend Dan, wrote a song for me, well really it’s for you from me.
It comes with all my love and heart and I hope that you one day hear it.
I love you Ross, your still my dream, my heart and my soul.
I love love love you.

Written pages

imageYou can’t forget the past because first of all, it’s impossible to.
If you forget, then it means you will forget the lessons you learned and the wonderful feelings you had/have.
Embrace your past, appreciate your trials and tribulations, those are the most important times in your life because pain creates power within the soul.
It doesn’t weaken you, it’s actually strengthens you.
It’s the pages of your book of life.
Your past is you, it’s what made you who you are today.
It’s the reason you feel and love.