All I wanted

Today has been a strange day.
Very scary to start with, don’t think I have felt that scared in many of years.
I received a message at about 1 this mornings asking if I was Jane Rivers sister?
I didn’t answer but thought I would have another look this morning and decided to answer.
Next message I revived was saying don’t worry I’m not a stalker or anything but I knew you Jane and your bother years ago.
Jane use to write to me.

Next thing I learn was we had met this guy on holiday when I was 12.
This guy remembered everything about us even my mums old address where we had lived at the time.
I then began to freak out, panic took over me.
I was thrown back many years, I was 12 again and on the beach of Great Yarmouth. Scared, more than scared, I froze with fear.
I was taken back to a place and a feeling I had hidden deep within me.
Only a few very special people know the history of this event of horror in my life.
I don’t think I even told Ross how scared I was, how much it had changed my life. How much guilt I felt for not reporting it, that he was out there in the world free and able to do this all over again.
What had I done by not going to the police.
He had stopped my childhood in one night, and given me the deepest scar until lately.

I faced my fear, I was safe behind a keyboard. right?

Anyway it turns out that the guy who had messaged me wasn’t the animal that took my childhood, he wasn’t the boy who had got into my dreams, and turned them to nightmares.
Thank god, he wasn’t him.
No matter what I was thrown back years and I sat and cried and cried and called out to the one and only person I wanted to hold me and tell me that he can’t hurt me anymore.
I just wanted him to hold me, the way he did when I first told him about the night of pure horror.
All I wanted was Ross to be there.
It also made me see that I’m only kidding myself that I’m getting over him because I’m not I’m really not, I think I’m more in love with him than I ever was.

Song kindly written and sang wonderfully by Dan for me to give to Ross
Hopefully one day he will hear it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.