Standing at the cross roads, but I will never stop…….

imageLife sure feels funny at the moment, so much is going on and I’m fighting my hardest to stay out of hospital which I know deep down that I should be in there resting but I just do not have time to rest.

House hunting
Now this is a bitch,
Found a few perfect homes in Brighton, got in bidding wars and lost, I’m not going above the asking prize, now that’s just silly, it would be marketed for more if it was worth it.
Well I found the dream home last week, it’s beautiful full of charm, needs a little work doing to it, but as soon as I walked in the door it felt like home.
I put an offer in as soon as walked out the door.
I still hadn’t hard anything on Saturday so I rang and they told me it had gone. I kinda lost my rag on the phone, told them they need to learn how to do their job and asked for the manager to call me back. I was more than pissed at the time.
Well no phone call until this morning, when I’m informed that they are putting my offer to the owner, only a week late – hmmmm.
My reply was to go ahead but I am looking at others this evening and I will let them know tomorrow if I want to go ahead.
I’ve been packing up my house, the things I have found that I had forgotten about in the last year, it’s all taking double the time as I can’t stop looking at old photos etc. it’s a pig of a job but hey someone has to do it.

Yesterday I went a little crazy and booked a holiday, to see the northern lights, I’m so excited.
This isn’t the first time I have booked a ticket, I brought two early last year as a birthday and Christmas pressie for Ross, it was a dream of ours to go, so as a surprise I booked it.
I never gave it to him and I just couldn’t go myself, the heartache was just too much and as it was booked for valentine’s day I just couldn’t face it.
Tickets got thrown away.
Well anyway I booked two tickets, hotels, transport and tours.
Now it’s just thinking about who to take.
If I’m honest the only person I really want to go with is Ross.
I can’t see that happening but I know that’s what my heart wants.

I also have started researching again, a friend of mine, that I saw at a birthday meal thing last week was over hearing me talk about a family member of mine who had been given the Victorian Cross in the First World War, he went on to fight in the 2nd also and died in 1983.
This got her interested and now I am helping her research her family history.
It’s such a buss finding things for her.
It gives me things to think about rather than my broken heart, moving and my illness, which wants to control my life, well it’s not going to beat me, I won’t give into the pain and I will stay out of hospital for as long as I can, well I’m booked for surgery next month so I can’t hide from that one, lol.
The question is, will I afterwards every feel whole again. Having part of you insides removed has to be hard on anyone. But it’s a step closer to winning this war.
I may even pick up my tree and try and find out if we did come from lords. 3 children were born at a work house while the mother worked for a lord. Was he the father?

So life is a roller coaster at the moment but I have one big reason to smile and she does a fine job of it.
Time will tell in the next few days how my roads will map out but I’m looking forward to finding out where I will be in the next few months.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not fixed, not by a long shot, my heart bleeds every minute of everyday for Ross but I’m trying so hard to try to live.
I’m trying to look on the bright side and keeping a promise I made to him.
My love will never die, I still want to be with him, to grow old and live out our dreams together.
A love so strong will never die.


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