The truth hurts but silence kills, so please forgive me.

imageI never ever thought I would write this blog as its way too personal and it hits some truths I never thought I would ever say out load.
I have this over powering feeling that I have to say the things I’m about to say, I know full well that I will hurt a good few people but as my health seems to be taking a turn for the worst this week and it’s not long until I go under the knife, and as my family know too well that there is a possibility that I may just not come out the other side.

For those of you that stumble across this blog and know nothing about me, opening up isn’t the easiest thing for me.
I bottle my feelings up and if I’m honest there are a very few people who I will spill out my heart to.

Going back a few years now, I was told that my aunt Sarah and very good friend Porter had paid to trace my blood father.

I had never met him, and he didn’t even know about me until the day he had a call and visit from Porter.
He than was determined to have me in his life, which of course he does and I’m so lucky that I have him. He is one of the most interesting, caring, loving, wonderful people I have ever met, in my eyes only one man can out do him, my hero and soul mate Ross.

When I found out that they had traced my dad, I was over the moon, I was so happy, I finally could see the face I had longed to all my life, I would get to ask the questions that had played over in my mind.
I would finally maybe have a father that loved me.
It was a road I longed to travel, I had seen our meet many times over in my mind.
But I never thought it would throw me the emotions that drowned me.

Please don’t take this the wrong way as I don’t want to hurt the people who gave me the wonderful gift of my father.

Within minutes, hours and seconds I felt angry very angry not at my dad but at Porter and Sarah, I think this moment was the down hill spiral in all our relationships.
For weeks I hated Porter, I really hated him, I wanted him out of my life and a million miles away from me. (He never knew this and unless he can read this from heaven, he never will)
As for my aunt Sarah, she acted like she owned me, that she was in control of my life.
It’s my life and they took over, they used this is trap me, to control my every movement.
Porter I believe now, just wanted to help, that was him through and through, he just wanted the best for me, for my happiness, so why didn’t he see I was happy, I was the happiest I had ever been, I was head over heels in love and their actions, set off an all time low in my life.
As for Sarah, she used her findings as part of her sick game to take over my life and to get her hands on my beautiful daughter.

I was so angry at them, they had taken away from me, a dream of finding my dad, in me and Ross finding him.
Ross and I had spoken about tracing him, it was something I really wanted to do with the love of my life at my side.
They took that away from me and him.
They took away a dream, my dream, my life.

In the next few weeks, I lost all control of my emotions, self harm happened everyday, at dangerous levels, and that was down to them.
They had in their own way, driven me back to my childhood, the darkness surrounded me and I couldn’t make myself heard, I was screaming at them deep inside, to go and stay away, to get out my life.

I hated them, I really hated them.

But how could I be so selfish, why wasn’t I over joyed at the gift they had given me?

Maybe I was happier than I had ever been, but deep inside, I had dealt as I always have had about who I am, who did I come from?
I now had to face these issues and I didn’t want to, all I wanted was to be at home with Ross, I wanted to skip and dance along the road of love, a road I thought I never would have.
Why would I be worthy of love, when my own blood didn’t love me?

I believed for once in my life, that I was loved, that Ross really loved me.
He made me happier than anyone ever has, and he made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him, as I still do to this day.

Why couldn’t my family just let me be happy, why couldn’t they leave be and wait until I was ready to look for my dad, in the way I dreamed of looking for him?

I just wanted to walk my path, the one where my soul mate was with me.
Sarah just couldn’t let that be, she had to control every step it took, she had to belittle me at every chance she took, she had to act the hero, while all the time, she was the devil, the women who destroyed me.
And all the while we thought she was an angel.
She came across as the most loving person, I really did believe she cared and wanted to help me recover as my depression took over my life.
My only light was Ross, he just didn’t know it.
Ever since are first few messages he was always my light, my hero and I loved him from that very moment he sent me a message.
I knew than that he was the one for me.

Sarah though made her games work against me.

So the day I met my dad, I really can not remember much, all I wanted was to be somewhere else, in the arms of Ross, I wanted him to be with me, I wanted him involved, but Sarah said it couldn’t be that way.
My emotional state at the time just let her win, and as she planned (and admitted) she made me fall weaker and weaker and into a darker place.

Was finding my dad, just a porn in the game she played, and my god she played it well.

The thing is, she didn’t take into account how strong my feelings are/were for Ross and with every battle she throw in our way, we over came because we both knew that we were soul mates and were meant to be.
She won in the end though, she destroyed my life, she took away the one person who mattered to me the most, but one thing she can not take away is the love I have for Ross.
And even though Ross and I are over and she thinks she has won, she hadn’t because nothing can I compare to the time we spent together.
And no love will ever match what we felt and what I still feel.
And even though I do not have his love now, I would rather have a life time of being unloved, to being loved by anyone else.
No one will ever replace him, not even fatherly love.

So for my dad, little did he know, what twisted game he was being porned into, he still thanks Sarah and Porter for bringing us together.
I thank them to, and even though the time was wrong so wrong, my dad has been the dad I longed for.

I will admit though that sometimes I look at him and think, what if.
I don’t and can’t blame him, but there is something that bugs me and won’t let me let down my walls totally to him as I did with Ross.
Maybe that’s it, he’s isn’t Ross.
No one will ever be him.

So as I wait for the calls as people read this, and I get a mouthful for opening up my heart and telling the truth about how I really felt, I will hold my head up high and know that I have told the truth about how I felt and that I am sorry if I hurt anyone, but I’m not sorry for telling it how I feel it.

You are all so good at telling me to open up so here you have it, you have got what you asked for.

As I now put those walls back up and smile the smile you all want to see, I look at myself and the roads I have travelled, either in happiness or sadness, that one thing I will always know for sure, is I once had it all.
I really had it all and I thank my lucky stars for that.
I thank you Ross Marks and I love you, I will always love you.


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