If he ever reads this blog, then this is the one I would like him to read, more than any other I have ever written.
More so than the ones declaring my undying love for him.
Ross, What ever happens in my life, no matter how long we have been apart, you some how seems to find your way in to my head, no matter how hard I try to keep you out.
Even when I was pulled away from this life, it was your face, you calling my name that pulled me back from joining the other world, your power over me, your eyes, your smile and the love I have so strongly for you couldn’t let me rest in peace.
All my pain, anger and hurt and most of all heartbreak caused by the thing I never thought you had in you, something so soul-destroying, and hurtful that you hurt me more than any other moment in my life, the judgement you throw at me, when you should have been pulling me into your arms, holding me harder than you ever have before, us being there together getting strength from each other to try to over come the pain and heartbreak.
I have never held that against you, I’ve blanked out the anger, the hurt and the unbeatable heart-break, I’ve continued to love you, every single day, every hour, minute and second, and still my love only grows when I know that hate should be where love is.
But for some reason I still love you even though you have taken everything away from me.
You destroyed my life as I did yours, you crushed my heart, like maybe I did yours.
But still I’m here loving you, loving you so much that my heart bleeds for you, and I feel more lost than I have ever done before.
So why is it, it was you, that keep me from passing over, why was it you I saw, our memories that flashed before my eyes ?
Why do we have a bond that is unbreakable even when death try’s to break us.
I guess I should thank you for pulling me back, for being a reason to live.
I knew from the moment we met that you where the other part of my soul and you where the one thing that I was put on this earth to love and to spend my life with.
I never knew though that it would be you that stopped me from walking into that light, from being with my lost loved ones.
How did you have the power to pull me away from that, when you hate me as much as you do?
I don’t understand it, I really don’t.
I totally understand and feel how much I love you, that I would die for you. I also understand the hate you feel for me but I also know how much you loved me and that we belong together.
I will never understand what changed in you to make you believe I was capable of the disturbing thoughts you had going around in your head, I will never understand that change in you.
But I promised you once that I would love you for better or worse and that still stands to this day.
I love you Ross, I love you with every tiny element of what’s left of my shattered heart.
And I will continue to do so.
I’m sorry for the hurt and anger I have caused you, I really am and I will never be able to say I’m sorry enough, I know that will never be enough for you.
And I’m sorry for that also.
But I need you to know, that my love for you only grows stronger and for reasons unknown to myself I have no control over how I feel.
I’m sorry for that, I really am.
I love, love, love you x