Not just words from the heart because you are my heart.

imageIf he ever reads this blog, then this is the one I would like him to read, more than any other I have ever written.
More so than the ones declaring my undying love for him.
Ross, What ever happens in my life, no matter how long we have been apart, you some how seems to find your way in to my head, no matter how hard I try to keep you out.
Even when I was pulled away from this life, it was your face, you calling my name that pulled me back from joining the other world, your power over me, your eyes, your smile and the love I have so strongly for you couldn’t let me rest in peace.
All my pain, anger and hurt and most of all heartbreak caused by the thing I never thought you had in you, something so soul-destroying, and hurtful that you hurt me more than any other moment in my life, the judgement you throw at me, when you should have been pulling me into your arms, holding me harder than you ever have before, us being there together getting strength from each other to try to over come the pain and heartbreak.
I have never held that against you, I’ve blanked out the anger, the hurt and the unbeatable heart-break, I’ve continued to love you, every single day, every hour, minute and second, and still my love only grows when I know that hate should be where love is.
But for some reason I still love you even though you have taken everything away from me.
You destroyed my life as I did yours, you crushed my heart, like maybe I did yours.
But still I’m here loving you, loving you so much that my heart bleeds for you, and I feel more lost than I have ever done before.
So why is it, it was you, that keep me from passing over, why was it you I saw, our memories that flashed before my eyes ?
Why do we have a bond that is unbreakable even when death try’s to break us.
I guess I should thank you for pulling me back, for being a reason to live.
I knew from the moment we met that you where the other part of my soul and you where the one thing that I was put on this earth to love and to spend my life with.
I never knew though that it would be you that stopped me from walking into that light, from being with my lost loved ones.

How did you have the power to pull me away from that, when you hate me as much as you do?
I don’t understand it, I really don’t.
I totally understand and feel how much I love you, that I would die for you. I also understand the hate you feel for me but I also know how much you loved me and that we belong together.

I will never understand what changed in you to make you believe I was capable of the disturbing thoughts you had going around in your head, I will never understand that change in you.
But I promised you once that I would love you for better or worse and that still stands to this day.
I love you Ross, I love you with every tiny element of what’s left of my shattered heart.
And I will continue to do so.
I’m sorry for the hurt and anger I have caused you, I really am and I will never be able to say I’m sorry enough, I know that will never be enough for you.
And I’m sorry for that also.
But I need you to know, that my love for you only grows stronger and for reasons unknown to myself I have no control over how I feel.
I’m sorry for that, I really am.
I love, love, love you x

Slow down.

imageSo slow down and pause for a moment to stand in awe of the fact that you are alive, and that you have the ability to rediscover life as the miracle that it has always been.

Every day is a new day to learn, grow, develop your strengths, heal yourself from past regrets, and move forward. Every day gives you a chance to reinvent yourself, to fine-tune who you are, and build on the lessons you have learned. It is never too late to change things that are not working in your life and switch gears. Using today wisely will always help you create a more positive tomorrow.

I don’t care if…….

imageI really don’t care if I’m getting fat from all the meds and that my hair could all fall out, because I care more about finding myself.
I don’t care if you hate or love me because my feelings for you love or hate will never change.
I don’t care what the future will go but I do care for …

Tongue tied

imageAs my family and friends know, it’s been a hard few weeks, but this time has changed me and my life forever.
Something has changed in me but trying to put why and what into words is proving to be very hard.
I’ve written this blog at least 5 times already but it’s not right, I just can’t put down how I’m feeling, what I have been through and what has changed.
You could say I’ve seen the light, that I’ve woken up after the worst time of my life.
All I want is to share this with you, it’s important to me to write this down so I never forget what happened or all these feelings.
But for now I will leave you with this…….

Throughout your life, there will be times when the world gets real quiet and the only thing left is the beat of your own heart.
So you’d better learn the sound of it, otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s telling you.
Remember that every moment counts. Every second matters.
Honestly, whatever is given is a gift.

Way to upsetting

For all my close friends and family I have blogged on my other site, a very personal blog/letter.
If you know the address you’re welcome to have a read but after I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just too upsetting.

Dear Zack, Until then :,-(

Dear my darlin baby bean,
I was so close so very very close, and all I wanted to do was run to you and Jane.
You were there in her arms, Jane calling my name.
But I was being pulled back, they were pulling me back.
His face was pulling me back.
I had no control, the force was to strong.
I’m sorry baby bean I’m so sorry.
I wanted to come to you, I wanted to hold you in my arms and cuddle you for ever.
I want to go with you both, but I guess my fight on this earth was not over, that I’m meant to finish my goal/story of life.
Maybe I’m meant to get my dream
Trust me my darlin baby boy, that I won’t give up, I now know what my heart wants and I won’t ever give up on that.
And maybe when I get that, I will get to be with you.
I so long for that cuddle, I so long to see you again.
I love you Zack.
Love your mummy

Feelings into words

imageRight now I just have no words to sum up this feeling.
I wanted to say so much today in a blog but my whole mood has been taken over by fear.
I really didn’t think I would be so nervous about surgery tomorrow, I feel sick to the gut and totally exhausted.
It’s such a strange feeling to put into words.
On top of that my house is so peaceful it is deafening. Mk and pup have gone to the farm, saying goodbye to her was so soul crashing, it’s always hard when she goes to stay with grandad and nanny but today’s goodbye was so much worse.
Pup knew it to, his eyes were so sad and he walked to the car looking back at me with his tail between his legs, he normally runs as fast as he can to my dads car, he knows where he is going, so why so different today ?
Mk also looks sad, I don’t know why as she is use to going and loves the farm.
Have I given off a vibe to make them feel sad.
I try to smile and be pain-free around her, but it’s almost like she knows that something is happening.
Dad even had to turn around so she could give me an extra cuddle.
I hate to think that I have made her feel uneasy.
That’s the last thing I wanted.
I’m sure she will be running around with the baby lambs soon enough but that was so hard.

Now I just have to sit in silence and watch the clock tick, waiting for tomorrow to arrive and all I want to do is scream and cry but I can’t give into the feeling of dread.
Why am I so scared when this op is done all the time.
I know I’ve been told the outcome could be worst case and even if they don’t go ahead because of my infection and my blood levels are dangerously high, that is a risk all of it’s own. I’m a ticking time bomb.
Either way I do not know the out come and as I sit here alone, frightened, it’s Ross that crosses my mind the most.
No great surprise there but I wish, I so wish he was here, I so wish he would be holding my hand before I get wheeled in and that he would be holding it again when I come out of recovery.
The fact that he’s not scared me even more.
I don’t mind facing this alone, I can handle the risks, I can even handle the pain but I can’t handle not seeing his face when I wake.
Every morning I face that fear and it never gets any easier.
I’m frightened really frightened and all I want is for him to be here.

As I finish writing this blog, I don’t know if I will be able to write again, I have no idea what the future holds for me but I do know that if the worst should happen, that I am so grateful for the time we were together and that I will always love him, he’s the only person I have ever truly loved and he will be the only one.
I will never stop loving Ross, NEVER !

From this day forward……

imageAs the nerves begin to over whelm me, all I can think about are the moment that Ross and I spoke about marriage.
To tell the truth I never thought I would ever think about getting hitched again after a first marriage from hell.
But from the moment I started falling for him I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Our wedding plans were a little crazy and funny but they were just perfect for us
Our family (the little that would have been invited) and friends would have dined on pizza.
It was just perfect, so perfect.

Right now I can’t get these memories, or visions out of my mind.
And all though it never happened the memories alone, bring a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.
We both so wanted it, we both dreamed of living out our days together and dying in each others arms.

How in love we were as we giggled about the plans and just how wonderfully fitting it would have been for us.

If only dreams came true.

And even though I can’t manage to write down all the details down here, as it’s way to painful and it’s so special to me, I don’t want to share this little piece of heaven on the net.
I will never forget the feeling of the very special moments we talked of joining our life’s together.

As for wedding vows I think we both would have liked to write our own but even though they never got said in form of our very own vows or the normal vows, they still stay in my mind and heart and even though we are not together the vows I still stand by and mean with all my heart.

To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part
I will always love you Ross Marks.

One thing he never knew was I written my own vows to him.
Right now I can’t face writing them for you to read, but I know that I have to before Friday, just incase the worst should happen.
I just have to find the strength to do so.
How do I do that when Ross is my strength, when Ross is my whole being, he’s the love in my heart and my world.
He’s my hero and my soul mate.
He’s everything to me.

Why I can’t give up…..

imageAs I sat in my own little bubble last night, I began to think of why I’m going to have surgery on Friday well if it goes ahead.

I thought about why I’m fighting this when I’m so unhappy without my soul mate in my life.
Why do I even want to fight for a life, that only brings misery and pain.
And it came to me out of the blue…….

If I give up on life,
It means I give up on love.
Which means,
I give up on Ross.

I can never give up on him because he is the reason that when a true smile crossed my lips, it’s him that gives me that small moment of delight.
If I give up, I won’t be able to see him in my dreams, I won’t feel his arms around me, I won’t smell his smell, which over powers me, the smell I smell everyday when I open my cupboard.( I can still smell him on pieces of clothing)

If I don’t fight, I won’t have the wonderful memories to look back on and I won’t remember how perfect we were together.
I won’t remember how magically it felt to hear him say he loved me.

So in a funny kind of way, Ross is still my hero, he’s the reason I can’t give up.
He’s the reason why I haven’t given up.
And if it means the only reason I have to make it through the day is to keep our memory alive, I have to fight for that.

I guess the saying
“True love conquers all”
I guess it’s true.
My love for him, grows everyday, and as I have no idea why it’s not fading, I’m grateful for love/his exlove because it gives me something to hold on to.
It’s not hope that I’m feeling, because I know there isn’t any, it’s simply just love.
True unbreakable LOVE

If only my words could heal.

imageTo my favourite cousin (who is in theater as I write this)

I know that when you fall asleep you will feel scared and alone, but you’re not. All the family will be with you, sending healing energy and love to you.
And when you wake up, while your all sleepy and a little high from the drugs, your know that this moment is the start of new beginnings and a beautiful life.

You will know that you took on the monster and you took him down perfectly, with dignity and pride.

Your know that life is a gift and a beautiful one at that.

You will see that you’re loved more than you ever knew before and that life is yours for the taking.

Today is the start of a new chapter, one where you have taken control and one that you will give your whole heart to.

I truly believe you can pull through this and once again laugh smile and cry tears of joy.

Not every day will be easy, but on those days, just look around you and see how much you are loved and with that you will regain the strength to fight.
You are the most incredible caring loving soul, with strength I only wish I had half of.
You’re who I look up to and love so much.
And all the while I know life has thrown you a hand that you should never have to face, you’re not alone.
We are all here, loving you and praying that you will be ok.
There is no dealt in my mind that you will pull through this and be more beautiful because of it.
I love you and you will be in my thoughts all day.
Here’s to all your new beginnings.

(Just because she always reminds me of you)