Light up the darkness

imageLife has been so hard for so long now, everything just seem to turn to darkness, there is only darkness.
Trust me though I try so very hard to see the light, but one thing after enough gets thrown at me and my family.
Bad luck seems to just keep hitting.
Not only am I dealing with bad health, which means surgery next week, but my bloods are dangerously high and could risk the worse out come if they decide I’m well enough to go ahead.
The antibiotics don’t seem to do anything for my infection, two and a half months, I have been taking the strongest dose for and still no improvement.
Unless it clears up by the day of surgery, I will not be able to have it done, which means my life is at risk.
But how is it meant to improve, when my blood doesn’t get to the areas where it needs to be, meaning the antibiotics can also not get there.
I fight everyday, with the smallest tasks, like unloading the dishwasher, I’m exhausted after unloading and loading it back up.
Why is a simple task so hard.
On top of all the trips to the hospital, I still have to find the energy to hold down everyday life and looking after Marly-Kate.
Got to admit, she is a treasure and is happy to just sit and play, on bad days she seems to know and just sits on my lap and cuddles me.
She is my ray of sunshine and a beautiful one at that.
If that isn’t enough to deal with, my heart is broken and everyday it seems to break even more.
I just can’t seem to get over him, I can’t stop loving Ross no matter how hard I try.
I wish I could, I really do, I hate it.
My doctors believe my broken heart has a lot to do with my body shutting down.
How can a broken/shattered heart pump blood around a body when it is in a million pieces.

Life is hard, really hard, but I try hard to carry on living, I try to shut the negative out my mind and enjoy the beauty around me.
When I go to my dads farm, he drives me out the middle of his land, and leaves me there for hours, where I just sit in silence and take in the fresh air and beauty around me.
I know it’s a gift to be alive.
I know that I have so much to be grateful for and that life is a gift.
Just watching the bees, dragonflies, grass hoppers and butterflies is truly amazing.
How lucky we are to be able to just sit still and watch these beautiful beings dancing in the breeze, while the sun warms my skin and heart, and I feel free.
I know that life is a gift that can be taken away at any moment and for no reason, I have learnt this the hard way, but as those butterflies dance around me, I believe there is a reason they are there.
Are they our lost ones, coming to comfort me in my time of need or just to show how beautiful life can be.
I know I will never know the answer in this life time, but it doesn’t really matter, as they bring me calm and peace.
They light up the darkness if only for a while.
They give me a sense of freedom.

I wonder

Not one hour goes by that you are not in my thoughts, and you’re always in my heart.
I wonder what you would look like, what your personality would have been?
Would you have been a mummy’s or daddy’s boy?
Would you be into cars, trains, farm yards etc ?
What would make you laugh ?
But most of all I think about what it would have felt like to hold you in my arms as I kiss you goodnight.
I miss you my baby bean, I miss you more than you will ever know.
But what breaks my heart more than all the pain of missing you, is I feel like I can’t talk about you, only your grandad ever talks about the horrors of that long long night and the early hours where you were taken away to a better place.
I wonder if my illness was the reason you fall asleep never to wake up.

I wonder if your daddy, would still be with us, if you had come into the world screaming as you should have.
I wonder if we would have all been happy now, or would my illness have made your daddy run away.
There so many unanswered questions that I know I can never find the answers to and I cry for you and the life that was taken away from all of us.
I so wish things had been different, that you were in my arms and I could just smell your smell and feel your breath on my face.
I wish I could know for sure, that I will see you again.
But I do know for sure that my love for you, will never fade.
Just because you’re not here with me, doesn’t mean I will ever stop loving you.
I love you my baby bean, sleep peacefully until I can be with you
Love always, Mummy