I wonder

Not one hour goes by that you are not in my thoughts, and you’re always in my heart.
I wonder what you would look like, what your personality would have been?
Would you have been a mummy’s or daddy’s boy?
Would you be into cars, trains, farm yards etc ?
What would make you laugh ?
But most of all I think about what it would have felt like to hold you in my arms as I kiss you goodnight.
I miss you my baby bean, I miss you more than you will ever know.
But what breaks my heart more than all the pain of missing you, is I feel like I can’t talk about you, only your grandad ever talks about the horrors of that long long night and the early hours where you were taken away to a better place.
I wonder if my illness was the reason you fall asleep never to wake up.

I wonder if your daddy, would still be with us, if you had come into the world screaming as you should have.
I wonder if we would have all been happy now, or would my illness have made your daddy run away.
There so many unanswered questions that I know I can never find the answers to and I cry for you and the life that was taken away from all of us.
I so wish things had been different, that you were in my arms and I could just smell your smell and feel your breath on my face.
I wish I could know for sure, that I will see you again.
But I do know for sure that my love for you, will never fade.
Just because you’re not here with me, doesn’t mean I will ever stop loving you.
I love you my baby bean, sleep peacefully until I can be with you
Love always, Mummy


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