Feelings into words

imageRight now I just have no words to sum up this feeling.
I wanted to say so much today in a blog but my whole mood has been taken over by fear.
I really didn’t think I would be so nervous about surgery tomorrow, I feel sick to the gut and totally exhausted.
It’s such a strange feeling to put into words.
On top of that my house is so peaceful it is deafening. Mk and pup have gone to the farm, saying goodbye to her was so soul crashing, it’s always hard when she goes to stay with grandad and nanny but today’s goodbye was so much worse.
Pup knew it to, his eyes were so sad and he walked to the car looking back at me with his tail between his legs, he normally runs as fast as he can to my dads car, he knows where he is going, so why so different today ?
Mk also looks sad, I don’t know why as she is use to going and loves the farm.
Have I given off a vibe to make them feel sad.
I try to smile and be pain-free around her, but it’s almost like she knows that something is happening.
Dad even had to turn around so she could give me an extra cuddle.
I hate to think that I have made her feel uneasy.
That’s the last thing I wanted.
I’m sure she will be running around with the baby lambs soon enough but that was so hard.

Now I just have to sit in silence and watch the clock tick, waiting for tomorrow to arrive and all I want to do is scream and cry but I can’t give into the feeling of dread.
Why am I so scared when this op is done all the time.
I know I’ve been told the outcome could be worst case and even if they don’t go ahead because of my infection and my blood levels are dangerously high, that is a risk all of it’s own. I’m a ticking time bomb.
Either way I do not know the out come and as I sit here alone, frightened, it’s Ross that crosses my mind the most.
No great surprise there but I wish, I so wish he was here, I so wish he would be holding my hand before I get wheeled in and that he would be holding it again when I come out of recovery.
The fact that he’s not scared me even more.
I don’t mind facing this alone, I can handle the risks, I can even handle the pain but I can’t handle not seeing his face when I wake.
Every morning I face that fear and it never gets any easier.
I’m frightened really frightened and all I want is for him to be here.

As I finish writing this blog, I don’t know if I will be able to write again, I have no idea what the future holds for me but I do know that if the worst should happen, that I am so grateful for the time we were together and that I will always love him, he’s the only person I have ever truly loved and he will be the only one.
I will never stop loving Ross, NEVER !


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