It doesn’t depend

imageToday can be great, but only if you make it so.
Whether or not today is a great day doesn’t depend on the weather. It doesn’t depend on your “mood”. It doesn’t depend on anyone else.
If you want to have a pleasant and productive day then choose to have one. It’s all about your perception and what you choose to believe and do.
So why do we often feel so powerless?
Is it because we convince ourselves that we are.
We wait for things to be given to us.
But in life, there are no true entitlements, and the truth is that if you want something then you need to make it happen for yourself.
You need to work for it.
We need to dream to believe.
We need to never give up on what our heart wants.
That’s all we really need to do.
“Follow our hearts”
Even if we have dealt, even if our heads tell us otherwise.
We have to make a stand for what our hearts feel.
Follow yours and be true to yourself.
The heart knows best.

I don’t understand how the world keeps turning?

imageYesterday I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in a while.
She asked me how I was and if I’m in a new relationship.
After I did my well rehearsed polite response, she gave me the immediate look of sadness and sympathy that I always get.
I’m well used to that look, I guess that’s what happens when the man you thought you were going to marry, breaks up with you, but after giving me “the look,” she told me that she knows I’ll find someone new and I will love him just as much, if not more.

Her words, were meant to make me feel better about being single, but I’m not, I’m in love, so in love, just because he doesn’t love me any more, it doesn’t mean I’m single or on the market, because I’m far from it., how can I be when my heart, soul and body belongs to Ross?
How can you look for another when your heart belongs to someone else.

To be honest, I hope she is wrong. I hope I never find someone I love as much as him.
I say that simply because the love I shared with him was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything.
He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. It still is. 😦
I felt incomplete when I wasn’t around him, and when he was near it was like everything was right in the world again. He was my other half, and what I considered the best part of myself.
He made me shine, happy and emotional.
It was like our entire time together was a roller coaster of missing him, loving him, and needing him and wanting him.
I know I will never ever feel that way again for anyone else. ( I know it’s not possible)

With Ross, I didn’t want someone to be my other half, I wanted someone who makes me feel whole on my own, Ross did that.
I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts.
I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night.
I don’t want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me and push me to be the best self I can be on my own.
I want him to be my partner. I want the love back, the love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life, not one that keeps me up at night.
I don’t want a man who treats me like a princess and the most precious thing in the world, because how can I be a princess when he is my king, my hero.

I know Ross, was the love of my life because I know I will never feel that kind of love again for anyone else.
He changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of forever.
I found that kind of love and I loved every minute of being in it.
Even when we were arguing and I didn’t like him very much, I never stopped loving him.
Since he left, the pain has been so incredibly painfully, soul-destroying.
That kind of pain and hurt mixed in with such passionate love is too much to handle.
It is too much for my heart to handle, I don’t understand how the world keeps turning?
But it does keep turning, so maybe one day the ache in my chest will stopped hurting and all the broken little pieces of my heart and soul will fit back together.
But it won’t be fixed because I have fallen for another, it will be fixed because, I’m all out of tears and the memories will heal me and fill the holes of pain.

Ross taught me more about love and life than he will never know and I thank and love him even more for that.

I’ve always said that, he will never find someone who loved him like I do, and that’s still true to this day.
No one can love him as much as I do.
It is a once in a lifetime kind of love.

But most of all.

All I want is to be able to listen to how your days been
What you’ve streamed when you at work.
And most of all how you are.
Because isn’t that what love is
Spending every day content in being with that person.
Listening to that person.
Even arguing with that person.

We are all fools, silly fools.

imageI don’t know how many times I have told myself
” I don’t care”
Every single one of us, have said these three words

“I DONT CARE”

We are all fools, silly fools that have to tell ourselves over and over again that we don’t care.
When we fall out with a friend,
Have a bad review at work,
Miss that one-off great deal on eBay,
Loose touch with a friend,
Put on weight,
Have black bags under our eyes,
Have a roll of skin that rolls over the top of our jeans when we sit down.
Have spots,

The list can go on and on.

We all tell ourselves we don’t care but deep down we do.
We care because in our hearts we want to love ourselves and our life’s.

It’s easy to talk one self into not caring because it’s less painful that way.
How silly are we to put up walls against ourselves.
That it’s easy to try to convince oneself that we don’t care so we don’t have to feel upset or pained by the situation.

Why can’t we just work through our feelings, we are only kidding ourselves if we don’t.

I’ve told myself over the last year and a half that I don’t care but I do, I care more than I will let myself admit.

I care that my face is always red,
I care that my weight sores and falls.
I care that I get called shorty.
I care that I’ve lost close friendships that I so want to get back.

So why, why do we do it to ourselves.
I guess we are trying to protect ourself.
But are we?
Are we really doing that?
Or are we building up something so much more painful.

I know that I have always shut things so deep that I pretend the feelings are not there.
Take my friend’s death for one.
I blocked it out, I told myself over and over that he wasn’t gone and I could call him when ever I wanted to, but I didn’t want to.
God I wish I could, but there is no way I can because I have to live up to the fact he’s not here.
I just don’t want to say goodbye.

The same with my dream job.
I tell myself that giving it up was easy, which I guess it was when I had the reason to give it up, but now, it just brings me pain to think I throw it away for love.
Once again I tell myself I don’t care, but boy I miss it.
I miss listening to music, and proving to myself I’m worthy of the roll.
But in the same breath, I know that at the time, walking away was the best thing, the best reason to leave.

As for friends I have pulled away from and tell myself I don’t care.
OMG I do care, I miss them, I miss them every day.
I long to sit and chat and just be myself with the people I care about.

As for looks, can’t say I’ve ever wanted to slap a load of make up on my face to feel better about myself, I’m a firm believer that beauty is soul deep.
But something niggles me, I look at myself and just see this grey face, with no life in my eyes and these glowing cheeks that make me want to hide away from the word but I tell myself I don’t care, I really don’t care what people think I look like.
But of course I do.
We live in a world full of judgement, and of course we all want to fit in, we want to be excepted.

So those strong powerful words
” I don’t care”
Are the biggest lie anyone had told. Along with the words
“I’m fine”

Bust open our hearts.

imageIt’s a rare thing to love somebody unconditionally. The very basis of love is finding someone who fills a set of preconceived conditions, soul love runs so much deeper than that. A million times deeper. That’s why the deepest relationships become the hardest, because they mean the most.

To me, a soul mate is someone who breaks down the barriers we have to love. They come in and disrupt our lives in various ways.
They are that new friend we meet who feels like a friend we’ve reconnected with, not someone new we just met. There’s an instant connection.
They are that soul we share a bond with that far transcends any other relationship in our family.
They are that lover who brings out the anger we need to heal, the insecurity we need to face, the parts of us we hide away that need the light.

A soul mate is a soul connection between two people. And,it’s challenging in that it will bust open our hearts in ways that we will not comprehend until we’re in the throes of it.
We will grow and heal from any kind of soul love, soul match, soul mate.
I really don’t know how to explain in, but it’s a connection like no other, it’s love like no other love.
It’s the deepest connection you will ever find.

Save the world or destroy it.

imageHave you ever been in love, the kind of love that you once thought would last a lifetime?
The kind of love where you thought you found forever, the kind of love that you only ever heard about in music lyrics?
The kind of love that you once thought only exists in movies and fairy tales?

It’s the kind of love that can save the world or destroy it.

You spend hours together, every waking moment if you can.
You’ve seen countless movies together, sang to every song that ever came on, on YouTube, that reminded each other of the other, overcame painful moments and built endless memories together.
Nobody in the world knows you like he does and he loves you in spite of all your imperfections and you love him because of his.
You’re on top of the goddamned world.

And one day you wake up and it’s all gone.
The memories are still there but it seems, like they’re just ghosts of a wonderful dream that can’t seem to stop haunting you.
You try every flipping thing in the world to keep yourself sane, and you actually partially lose your sanity because of it all.
You try to remember and you try to forget, and you drive yourself crazy going back and forth between the two.
NOTHING
NO ONE
Can cure your heartbreak.

Days go by, then weeks, then months, and every time you start to think you’re okay, something reminds you of what you had and you lose yourself all over again.

You ask yourself, “how can you still believe in love?”
“How can you still believe that it’s worth it?”
How do you know anything for certain, except that you never want to have your heart-broken ever again?

And so you go about your business, throwing yourself in what ever takes your mind of him and revamping your thoughts to learn to love yourself, to better yourself, just incase he notices.
But nothing works.
Something is eating away at you, not letting your heart mend and rest.

So what am I supposed to do now?

Nothing, Nothing but whisper into the winds of sorrows, your broken dreams and hopes.
You fall to your knees in desperation, you’re so lost, lost without him.
You cry a million rivers of tears, because you know you will never be whole again.

But all the while, you’re still lost in the love that pumps through your blood, with every beat of your heart.
And deep down you can’t and won’t let that feeling die, because you know, it’s meant to be.
You know he’s the one, your one and only true love.
Your soul mate.
The other half of yourself.
And you know something so strong can’t be forgotten or given up on.
It’s too strong, the love is too strong.
Stronger than the hate, the anger, the pain.
Doesn’t that tell you it all?
Listen to your heart.
The heart knows and it’s the reason your alive, walking, talking, dancing, singing, feeling and most importantly loving.

I’m so, so sorry.

To my baby bean, Zack,
do you know how hard it is to know that my illness is the reason you’re not here, that my body couldn’t do what it was meant to.
That I was to blindly in love that I didn’t relies I was unwell, that this cruel disease was eating away at us.
That my blood was poisoning you.
It’s all my fault, I’m so sorry.
If only I had listened to my body.
There were days I felt so poorly but I was so in love I wasn’t going to let it get to me.
And even when I couldn’t stay awake I didn’t listen, I just put it down to pregnancy, I’m sure others would have to but god I’m crushed with guilt.
I lost everything because I didn’t see the signs, I didn’t let myself feel poorly because I was so, so in love with your daddy.
I didn’t want him to see me in pain, I didn’t want him to feel pity for me, I wanted him to want to be with me for me and not because he felt like he had to be.
Why, why was I so blind.
Why was I so in love that I couldn’t see what was happening under my nose.
Looking back now, a few people said that I looked unwell, I just put it down to pregnancy.
I’m so, so, so sorry my baby bean.
Mummy wouldn’t have hurt you for the world and all the time I was, I was poisoning you with my god damn unhealthy blood.
How can I live with that.
I can’t.

More beautiful. More colorful.

imageI miss your kind eyes and a genuine smile. I miss that you had time for me, you wanted to spend all your time with me, as I did you, I still do.
I miss that because of all the pain we have gone through before we meet, we both realised that we deserve that happiness and we deserve each other.
We deserved to be loved by our one and only soul mate.
I still believe.

I miss the days we cuddled up under the duvet with chocolate and a good movie.

I miss that, we loved to talk and laugh, and getting to know each other.
I still believe that when we would have been together 50 years, we would have always found something new to talk about, or reminisce about our life together, how blissfully happy we would have been.
And even though you more than likely would have probably roll my eyes at my so not funny jokes, I would have smiled just because I would have messed up the punch line.

I miss that you complete me, that you make life better.
More beautiful.
More colorful.
I miss the man who made me believe in love, who made me feel it.

I miss you giving me hugs, ones full of love, holding my hand for no reason and kissing me just because you loved me. God I miss that.

I now just have to hold onto the hope, that someday we will find one another again.
In this lifetime, or the next, I hope we find each other again.

You’re know if you know.

imageMy heart, soul and spirit will always love him.
No amount of time will matter if the love you have for this person is real.
No matter how much time passes since the break-up, a week, a month, a year, 10 years, if you love him/her then it doesn’t matter.
No matter how hard you try to not feel it, no matter how angry you get, it’s there, never leaving you alone, always in the back of your thoughts, flooding your heart.
No time in the world can stop it.
True love is not logical, it’s emotional.
It’s a feeling, it’s in your bones.
If there was a true love connection, which again, only you know, then that experience will always rise above any conflict that rears its ugly head in your relationship.
You’re know if you know.
You’re know that it’s true undying love.
Nothing or no one can’t do anything to change your feelings.

Not amount of time will fix the feeling of missing them.
You won’t stop missing your best friend in the world. The loving feeling that you get from knowing you can tell them anything and everything and knowing that he will always be the one person in the world who understands.

Your miss the feeling of knowing, we can make it through because nothing is more important than learning and growing together, loving each other.

You will miss that we are different people with different interests, and that’s a good thing, but giving each others time for what is important to one another because we like making each other happy.
Your miss the things that we enjoy doing together.
And your cherish every second of the time you spent with the love of your life.