Save the world or destroy it.

imageHave you ever been in love, the kind of love that you once thought would last a lifetime?
The kind of love where you thought you found forever, the kind of love that you only ever heard about in music lyrics?
The kind of love that you once thought only exists in movies and fairy tales?

It’s the kind of love that can save the world or destroy it.

You spend hours together, every waking moment if you can.
You’ve seen countless movies together, sang to every song that ever came on, on YouTube, that reminded each other of the other, overcame painful moments and built endless memories together.
Nobody in the world knows you like he does and he loves you in spite of all your imperfections and you love him because of his.
You’re on top of the goddamned world.

And one day you wake up and it’s all gone.
The memories are still there but it seems, like they’re just ghosts of a wonderful dream that can’t seem to stop haunting you.
You try every flipping thing in the world to keep yourself sane, and you actually partially lose your sanity because of it all.
You try to remember and you try to forget, and you drive yourself crazy going back and forth between the two.
NOTHING
NO ONE
Can cure your heartbreak.

Days go by, then weeks, then months, and every time you start to think you’re okay, something reminds you of what you had and you lose yourself all over again.

You ask yourself, “how can you still believe in love?”
“How can you still believe that it’s worth it?”
How do you know anything for certain, except that you never want to have your heart-broken ever again?

And so you go about your business, throwing yourself in what ever takes your mind of him and revamping your thoughts to learn to love yourself, to better yourself, just incase he notices.
But nothing works.
Something is eating away at you, not letting your heart mend and rest.

So what am I supposed to do now?

Nothing, Nothing but whisper into the winds of sorrows, your broken dreams and hopes.
You fall to your knees in desperation, you’re so lost, lost without him.
You cry a million rivers of tears, because you know you will never be whole again.

But all the while, you’re still lost in the love that pumps through your blood, with every beat of your heart.
And deep down you can’t and won’t let that feeling die, because you know, it’s meant to be.
You know he’s the one, your one and only true love.
Your soul mate.
The other half of yourself.
And you know something so strong can’t be forgotten or given up on.
It’s too strong, the love is too strong.
Stronger than the hate, the anger, the pain.
Doesn’t that tell you it all?
Listen to your heart.
The heart knows and it’s the reason your alive, walking, talking, dancing, singing, feeling and most importantly loving.

I’m so, so sorry.

To my baby bean, Zack,
do you know how hard it is to know that my illness is the reason you’re not here, that my body couldn’t do what it was meant to.
That I was to blindly in love that I didn’t relies I was unwell, that this cruel disease was eating away at us.
That my blood was poisoning you.
It’s all my fault, I’m so sorry.
If only I had listened to my body.
There were days I felt so poorly but I was so in love I wasn’t going to let it get to me.
And even when I couldn’t stay awake I didn’t listen, I just put it down to pregnancy, I’m sure others would have to but god I’m crushed with guilt.
I lost everything because I didn’t see the signs, I didn’t let myself feel poorly because I was so, so in love with your daddy.
I didn’t want him to see me in pain, I didn’t want him to feel pity for me, I wanted him to want to be with me for me and not because he felt like he had to be.
Why, why was I so blind.
Why was I so in love that I couldn’t see what was happening under my nose.
Looking back now, a few people said that I looked unwell, I just put it down to pregnancy.
I’m so, so, so sorry my baby bean.
Mummy wouldn’t have hurt you for the world and all the time I was, I was poisoning you with my god damn unhealthy blood.
How can I live with that.
I can’t.