I’m so, so sorry.

To my baby bean, Zack,
do you know how hard it is to know that my illness is the reason you’re not here, that my body couldn’t do what it was meant to.
That I was to blindly in love that I didn’t relies I was unwell, that this cruel disease was eating away at us.
That my blood was poisoning you.
It’s all my fault, I’m so sorry.
If only I had listened to my body.
There were days I felt so poorly but I was so in love I wasn’t going to let it get to me.
And even when I couldn’t stay awake I didn’t listen, I just put it down to pregnancy, I’m sure others would have to but god I’m crushed with guilt.
I lost everything because I didn’t see the signs, I didn’t let myself feel poorly because I was so, so in love with your daddy.
I didn’t want him to see me in pain, I didn’t want him to feel pity for me, I wanted him to want to be with me for me and not because he felt like he had to be.
Why, why was I so blind.
Why was I so in love that I couldn’t see what was happening under my nose.
Looking back now, a few people said that I looked unwell, I just put it down to pregnancy.
I’m so, so, so sorry my baby bean.
Mummy wouldn’t have hurt you for the world and all the time I was, I was poisoning you with my god damn unhealthy blood.
How can I live with that.
I can’t.

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