“I DONT CARE”
We are all fools, silly fools that have to tell ourselves over and over again that we don’t care.
When we fall out with a friend,
Have a bad review at work,
Miss that one-off great deal on eBay,
Loose touch with a friend,
Put on weight,
Have black bags under our eyes,
Have a roll of skin that rolls over the top of our jeans when we sit down.
The list can go on and on.
We all tell ourselves we don’t care but deep down we do.
We care because in our hearts we want to love ourselves and our life’s.
It’s easy to talk one self into not caring because it’s less painful that way.
How silly are we to put up walls against ourselves.
That it’s easy to try to convince oneself that we don’t care so we don’t have to feel upset or pained by the situation.
Why can’t we just work through our feelings, we are only kidding ourselves if we don’t.
I’ve told myself over the last year and a half that I don’t care but I do, I care more than I will let myself admit.
I care that my face is always red,
I care that my weight sores and falls.
I care that I get called shorty.
I care that I’ve lost close friendships that I so want to get back.
So why, why do we do it to ourselves.
I guess we are trying to protect ourself.
But are we?
Are we really doing that?
Or are we building up something so much more painful.
I know that I have always shut things so deep that I pretend the feelings are not there.
Take my friend’s death for one.
I blocked it out, I told myself over and over that he wasn’t gone and I could call him when ever I wanted to, but I didn’t want to.
God I wish I could, but there is no way I can because I have to live up to the fact he’s not here.
I just don’t want to say goodbye.
The same with my dream job.
I tell myself that giving it up was easy, which I guess it was when I had the reason to give it up, but now, it just brings me pain to think I throw it away for love.
Once again I tell myself I don’t care, but boy I miss it.
I miss listening to music, and proving to myself I’m worthy of the roll.
But in the same breath, I know that at the time, walking away was the best thing, the best reason to leave.
As for friends I have pulled away from and tell myself I don’t care.
OMG I do care, I miss them, I miss them every day.
I long to sit and chat and just be myself with the people I care about.
As for looks, can’t say I’ve ever wanted to slap a load of make up on my face to feel better about myself, I’m a firm believer that beauty is soul deep.
But something niggles me, I look at myself and just see this grey face, with no life in my eyes and these glowing cheeks that make me want to hide away from the word but I tell myself I don’t care, I really don’t care what people think I look like.
But of course I do.
We live in a world full of judgement, and of course we all want to fit in, we want to be excepted.
So those strong powerful words
” I don’t care”
Are the biggest lie anyone had told. Along with the words