It’s a continuous, dynamic phenomenon

imageIn every life there are great challenges, and in every challenge there are great doses of life to be lived.
Whether you judge a challenge to be a problem or an opportunity says more about you than about the challenge itself.
The way you choose to see the world is the way your world will be.

This is what gives life its magic, it’s a continuous, dynamic phenomenon that becomes exactly what you choose to make it.

Realise that if you never step up to a challenge that’s a bit over your head, you’ll never know how tall you truly are.
Rise to each challenge and continue adding value to the ever-growing possibilities that await your brilliance.

Cloaked enemy.

imageFear is the most powerful single factor that deprives you of being able to achieve your full potential.
You experience it most often as a result of your own thoughts and emotional visions, rather than actual real world causes.
In other words, you become fearful of a fantasy.. something that doesn’t exist.

Fear is a cloaked enemy whispers negative thoughts into your mind, body and soul.
It tries to convince you that you will not succeed and that you cannot achieve your full potential or it convinced you that silly thoughts are more than that. These thoughts are lies.
The road you are traveling may be a bit scary at times, but don’t lose faith. Don’t listen to your fears and the fears of those around you.
Don’t let mind setbacks work their way into your present thinking. And most of all, don’t give up on what’s important to you

No one should have to feel this.

imageFeeling very emotional but excited in a strange way.
My postman just delivered my order form from Ashes into glass.
For those of you that haven’t heard of them, they are a company that make memorial jewellery from your lost loved ones ashes, molten crystal glass and coloured crystals.
More info can be found at http://www.ashesintoglass.co.uk

Since losing our baby boy, I have known I have to do something with his ashes but I really wanted to do something with Zack’s daddy but that isn’t going to happen so I have to do this alone.

I’ve been thinking about ashes to glass for a while now, this way I can have my baby bean with me.
I just can’t face scattering his ashes alone and in a way I don’t want him out there in the big bad world alone.

I guess in my heart I also was hoping that one day maybe I wouldn’t have to do it all alone.
Ok I know my family and friends have said they would be with me, but it’s not right, I should be with Zack’s daddy. He should be part of it.
Sorry but I can’t let the feeling go, so I can’t lay him to rest, but I have to do something, I can’t just leave him in my bedroom, I can’t and won’t, its disrespectful.
So anyway I bit the bullet and made up my mind to go ahead and make an order with Ashes into glass.

So the order form arrived and I can’t find the strength to open it.
I will have to though, I can’t not.
This is so hard and heartbreaking, no one should ever have to face this, feel this.
Heartbroken

I truly believe….

image“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound ?”.

The internet is full of all sorts of theories regarding this question.

I truly believe that yes it does make a sound, it’s just that there is no one there to hear or react to it.

Sometimes I feel as though I am like that tree. I make the noise, but no one is there to hear it.

A date.

Today’s date is always going to be hard.
It’s the birthday of the love of my life and one of the greatest friends I could have ever wished for.
And I will never get to spend it with either of them.
I’m sure he is spending it in the arms of someone else, that he’s happy and content and that breaks my heart more than he will ever know.
I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and that we could be waking up together on his special day.
And as for porter, I’m sure he’s having a great party in the sky with his dad.
What makes today worse is as I write this my mum is having her mri scan which is so so dangerous for her.
They have to turn her pacemaker off, or really low.
She could die when she’s having it done.
I’m scared to death, really scared
I can’t lose her not today of all days.
Right now I fallen so low that I don’t know how to lift my mood or to stop the tears.
I’m broken more than ever and all because I’m so in love with him
Everyday hurts but today kills.
I’m just going to have to remind myself it’s only a date.

For you,

imageFor you,
To remember the good times.
To remember the great times.
To remember the fantastic times.
To remember the amazing times.
To remember the exceptional times.
To remember the mind-blowing times.
To remember the times you made me cry tears of joy.
To remember us.

Smile and the whole world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.

imageFact is people do not want to listen to somebody else’s problems. People do not share grief.
Every one is wrapped up in their own life’s and business. Caring for others seems like a thing of the past.
We live in a un-caring world where people only pass judgments.

It is so easy to look at another and make quick judgment and jump to your own conclusions. Most people do not take the trouble to look beyond the smiles and laughter, they do not see the pain and tears that the smiles hide.

I have always found it difficult to share my grief and pain with others and so I mask my feelings, writing here helps loads, I think it’s the only way I can let it out.
Smiling is my way of dealing with my pain and fears.
Silence is my armor.
I have become so good at masking my feelings of pain that I sometimes feel as if I am in a never-ending theater performance.

I guess that is what we all are at the end of the day – actors on the great stage of life. It is the price of living in society. It comes with the package.

No point denying it, it’s here, there, it’s bloody everywhere.

imageWith Christmas around the corner, my tummy turns with dread, I hate Christmas more than ever now.
It’s the time of year your heart breaks over again for the people you can be with, for what ever reason.
The shops are already manic, as I found out today, and Christmas music is already playing, I’m surprised they have any staff left in January, think I would top myself if I have to listen to that for two months.
The ads are on TV, and ok some are very cute the first time around but really do we need it pushed in our faces at every break, we know it’s coming, stress is building up to what to buy people who already have everything they need.
And where do we find the money from, most of us only get by each month, now we have to find extra money for pressies and a mountain of food that won’t get eaten and if it is, we will all moan about the weight we put on.
On top of that, the dreaded works do.
God we can’t wait to get out of work, why do we want to spend a night with people we have no time for normally, but give us a few drinks and they become your new best buddy.

So this year I’m doing something a little different, I’m avoiding the shops as best I can. Shopping on-line has to be the way toward.
Waiting in by the fire for the post man, sounds like so much more fun, well right up until Christmas Eve, when you still are waiting for the important pressies to be delivered.
No worries though, you spend most of Christmas Eve stressed out chopping veg and cooking, at least you can give the postman/women a nice bonus of your burnt mince pies or anything else that the dog even turned his nose up to.
Anyway I have decided that I’m going to make most of my pressies.
That way they are all special, all thought about and all made with love.
Was going to say cheaper to, but who am I kidding, craft stuff is not cheap.
I went to buy a ball of wool the other day, it was only 100g. Was thinking about £5 max.
£10.95 the con-artist wanted for it, so she can stick that right up her jumper, I’m sure she didn’t knit her own at that price, lol.

Anyway I’ve made this really cute pressie for my 12-year-old cousin, and then I had a thought, would I have really liked a hand-made gift at 12?
Now all I can think of is that.
Will she be disappointed?
Will she see, the hours of hard work and love that went into it.
Or will she be a little madam and just throw it aside like it means nothing?
Guess I’m going to have to wait and see on that one.
But this voice keeps telling me to buy her something else to protect myself from the blow when she hates what I made her.

I really hope it doesn’t end like that, but have a funny feeling it may.
Will I be able to hide the fact that it will hurt my feelings?
See Christmas is one great big pain in the butt.

It’s a whirlpool.

imageTime does not stop and wait for anyone but I truly believe that life in modern times is so hectic and fast paced that we spend a large part of it rushing around trying to achieve things, making ends meet, or going about life living up to other people’s expectations.
It’s a whirlpool. We forget that we are humans and not machines. We just go about life on auto-pilot.
Performing, achieving, delivering…and in the process, we forget to live. We miss out on the beauty of the moment we are in.

Sometimes we just need to pause, stop and breathe, to let time pass, to shake the weight of life and routine off our shoulders.

Sometimes we need to just be.

If you’re not a little scared……

imageNeeding to think positive today as I just can’t face another day at the hospital, so here goes with positive thinking.

Living is a risk.
Happiness is a risk.
If you’re not a little scared sometimes, then you’re not doing it right.

Don’t worry about mistakes and failures, worry about what you’re giving up when you don’t even try. Worry about the life you’re not living and the happiness you’re forgoing, as you merely exist in the safety of your comfort zone.

Give yourself permission to be one of the people who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them and grew into your truest self.