Hand in hand.

imageIf I could only tell you about the pain, the fear, the strength I have to try to show.
I have never encountered pain like this apart from pain of the heart.

My body is riddled with pain, just carrying out everyday chores has become so draining, taking a shower has become one of my worst nightmares.
How I long to stand for hours water pouring over my skin, washing my worries away.
Not to just climb in and out as fast as I can because I can’t stand the water touching my skin.
How I miss sitting in the garden while the frost touches the earth and the star alight the world, where everything glistens and magic seems real.
The beauty of the first morning light, makes you feel alive and you know the world is truly beautiful.
Hand wrapped around my coffee cup, warming my fingers as I watch for shooting stars.
Now just a tiny chill in the air, makes my blood run cold, even the summer breeze is too much to injure, my body aches and burns as my blood stops pumping, the pain cripples me and my body slowly shuts down.
How I miss sitting on the sea front watching the waves crashing against the shore, the walks with my puppy, just breathing in the forest air as twigs and leaves crumble beneath my feet.
The freedom.

Freedom and my life, never really came hand in hand but now it’s like every chance I had of walking my own path, seems to have been pulled out from under me.
The pain consumes everything I try to do.
And I try so very hard to not let in show and to go on as normal.
But it’s not, it’s far from it.
Just sitting playing with my Marly-Kate, hurts, it hurts so badly.
And all the while I try my best to not show with every movement I take, that this is eating away at me. That I’m helpless to fight against it.
But no amount of physical pain, can ever come close to the emotional pain the consumes my heart and soul.
All in all I know there is only one person that can take my pain away and even make me healthy.
I never knew I had this good damn disease when I was with him, and I swear that’s because we were so hopelessly in love that it kept it at bay.
I believe that love really does fix everything.
Love keeps you alive.
How I long to feel alive.


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