Such a strange feeling.

imageSo today I have spent most of my time getting stressed out about hospital, which was kinda stupid as these guys know what they are doing.
It’s not like I haven’t had ct scans before, I’ve had to many to count.
But this was different.
They had to inject a dye into my blood.
If your anything like me, the sound of it is just frightening.
I have to say now it done and I’m back home warming my chilled bones in front of the fire.
I can reflect back on the strangest scan I have even had.
The scan started as a normal ct scan, the bed moving in and out of the machine, while I lay there, arms above my head.
The normal breathing in and holding my breath until told otherwise.
Kinda use to this now, still a little freaky though.
And then the robot voice tells me, they are Inserting the dye.
First thing I notice is the god damn nasty taste in my mouth, I try not to gag as I have to stay still.
Next I’m burning, burning up, my whole body seems to be on fire, I swear, I could have burst into flames at any minute.
I’m just starting to panic as I get hotter and hotter and then I feel like I’m going to wee!
Hmmmm they warned me I would feel this but omg, it really feels like your going even the warm feeling.
Panic really took over, I swear I had wet myself, I felt ashamed.
How would I get out of this hospital without anyone noticing?
Of course I hadn’t but that feeling was so real and uncomfortable, its uncanny.
So my body starts to cool, my mouth starts to feel fresh, it’s nearly over and thank god for that.
Ok, ok it wasn’t really that bad now I look back on it but it the time I had no control over my body and it was one of the strangest things I have ever felt to date.
All I can say is, thank god that’s over until next time.
Now the wait for results.
Fingers crossed with these I can start treatment and one day I will feel a little better.
Here’s hoping!!!

A whirlwind of colour

imageIt’s never been about the time of the day that mattered to me, be it at sunset when the setting sun casts reflections on the open water creating a magic aura, or early morning sunrise,down on the seafront before the chaos of the day takes over, or the night lights flickering on crashing waves in a whirlwind of color.
Let’s not forget walking in the rain, the sight of the city looking fresh. The smell of the rain hitting the dry ground. The air smells of hope.
I loved the feel of rain on my skin, it made me feel strangely alive. The sound of the raindrops drowning out the voices in my head, clearing the chaos of everyday thoughts, leaving me feeling calm and peaceful.

For me it wasn’t ever about the location, it is about the journey, the journey of enjoying the beauty of the world around me and being at peace.
Just my iPod, my music, my thoughts.

I miss those days.
Will life ever feel like that again?
Will I ever feel alive ?

Just, tired.

imageI’ve just been feeling tired.
Tired of doing what I feel I have to do, rather than what I want to do.
Tired of feeling like I’m being held back from things I want to do because I’m poorly.
Tired because I stay up way too late and wake up early.
Tired of feeling like I’m not working to my full potential because I’m not doing what I love anymore.
Tired of being forced to do things, and told to do things.
Tired of being poked and prodded.
Tired of having blood taken, scans, X-rays, echoes, ct scans and appointments after appointments.
Tired of spending my days waiting to see consultants and test appointments.
Tired of having to take meds 4 times a day 29 flipping tablets, God I hate taking pills.
Tired of being at the hospital.
Tired of getting to watch other people live out their dreams, while I wallow in mine and let them replay in my brian like an old worn record.
And quite frankly, I’m tired of being tired !!!