Yes there are……

imageThe year is winding up, and a new year is fast approaching.
It’s that time of reflection for most people. They look back on the past year, the good and the bad. It’s been a hard year so I can’t wait to see the back of it.
Can’t say that next year will be better just because the calendar changed to 2015, it’s only a date after all.
But with the New Year racing towards us all, most of us decide how we are going to make the new year bigger and better. Starting with those God damn New Year’s Resolutions.

I’ve made resolutions in the past. I haven’t always stuck to them, usually by the first quarter of the year, I’ve blown them out the window.
I decided to stop making ‘resolutions a good few years ago, I decided to make a few goals, and see where they may lead.

This way there is no more stressing about picking up that chocolate bar.

So for this new year, yes, there are a few changes I would like to see.
But I won’t ‘resolve’ them.
I will work towards them.
And I will try my best to achieve them, what more can I do.
Life is stressful enough without the added stress of resolutions, that we all know we never keep.

The truth about Christmas

imageSo christmas is over and done with for another year.
We spend money on things we don’t need and for what… to be the star of the show?.
Spending money, time and anxiety to find that perfect gift.

Hours of wrapping, losing the scissors, tape, pen, scissors, tape and pen over and over. The fight to find the end of the tape drives you crazy, finally though you’re all done and it all looks pretty, only to be destroyed in two seconds on Christmas morning or tree pressies on Boxing Day.
Somehow in the madness you miss the faces of joy or disappointment as the whirlwind hits the living room which has turned in to a huge rubbish pile.
Mums flapping as she tries so hard to keep on top of the paper which flys in every direction apart from the bin bag.
Presents are lost under the ever-growing mountain of paper.
Your hands bleed from the ties they use to hold the toys in the boxes, and as soon as you’ve unpacked one toy, the little ones have already moved onto the next toy.
So the fight continues to get it unpacked before nanny has thrown part of the toy that’s hanging on for dear life in the box that doesn’t want to come out.
Then you have the tears as you have forgotten to buy the right size batteries.
All the while my daughter is still holding tight to the creeper teddy that she opened first and still has half a stocking to unwrap. I’m sat there trying to convince her that she has more to open before DJ claims them for himself.
The puppy has his head under the tree, wanting to rip the paper off every present that hasn’t been given out, claiming them as his.
This is the magic of Christmas.

Christmas dinner for once goes smoothly, nothing burns and the timing is prefect, wine is flowing along with pints and pints of beer.
Drunken smiles and laughter echo around and bellies full.
Isn’t this what we have all pictured the perfect Christmas to be?
Until I make the mistake of raising a glass to the loved ones that aren’t here.
To me that happens to be very very important.
Thankfully though the tears that well up soon disappear from their eyes as DJ throws his food at MK.
That moment is forgotten by them all apart from me.
I guess we are meant to be jolly after all, but sadly my heart has a huge empty space which somehow seems bigger at this time of year.
So the adults get drunker, the music louder and the children play.
And I watch the small moments that no one else notices, the little smiles, the game play, the thoughtfulness of my daughters game.
To me this has to be the best part of Christmas.
Watching her in her own little world, at peace with her world.
Living out her dreams in her game.

You don’t need Christmas to have those special moments.

What is left…….

imageMy life seems to become this quest for all the philosophical questions that no-one can give me a concrete answer to.
My thoughts struggle to form coherently and I feel like I’m throwing words out there and hoping they come back in a succinct sentence.
As no words can sum up my feelings, my love and my soul is lost in a maze of hope, dread, questions and emotions.

My hopes, my dreams, my thoughts now drown in sadness.
I feel as I have nothing left of me.

I gave away my soul the day I fall in love, making me 100% complete.

Our love was biggest part of my soul, the part that completed me, the most amazing part, that I found when love blossomed and gleamed so brightly.
Only to disappear when he did. Leaving me not even half complete.

And here is the mess of what is left behind, me.

Here’s hoping……

imageWhoop we all have a chance to live one more day and enjoy the little things that make life worth living.
No matter where you are or what you’re going through, always believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Never expect, assume, or demand. Just do your best, control the elements you can control, and then let it be.
Because once you have done what you can, if it is meant to be, it will happen, or it will show you the next step that needs to be taken.
Just choose to focus on one thing at a time. You don’t have to do it all, and you don’t have to do it all right now. Breathe, be present, and do your best with what’s in front of you.
What you put into life, life will eventually give you back many times over.
Here’s hoping anyway.

The perfect moment.

imageDo you ever take a photograph and think it’s a really great shot, then look at it in photoshop and think “well I was wrong”?
Sometimes I feel like every photo I’m taking is exactly the same as the one I took before.

Considering I’ve been lugging round an SLR since like forever, I’d expect to be a little bit happier with some of my images then I am but I’m guessing that just snapping away on my phone isn’t the best way to get that one incredible photo.
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But is it?

It shouldn’t be about what you take the photo on or how much effort you but in, it should be about what you feel at the time of taking that rushed shot, that you grabbed your phone for.
It’s the moment that matters.

Isn’t that what’s important?

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So why do I feel the need to do better, to fall in love with the passion of capturing light, love and life.

I know I can do it, it’s one of the few things I’m good at.
I wouldn’t say great at but I know my stuff and I can picture the perfect photo in my mind, but maybe just maybe my mind’s eye sees things as much more perfect, delicate, magical and light than what it really is.

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I use to always take photographs with no idea of what I want to capture, something just clicks in me and I see something that enlightens me. I really need to relax and trust my instincts, have faith in myself and let passion build in me again. Find a love for life again.

Today though I realised that it’s ever so hard to capture a feeling. Isn’t that what a photograph is after all, capturing the perfect memory.

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Magic.

imageChristmas – love it or hate it, it’s a time of year that we can’t run away from or make it last longer.
So what is it that you love or hate about this magical time of year?

I have always love Christmas, not so much the day but the build up.
So what changed in me, that now I see no sparkle or joy for it in my heart.
I guess it’s the fact that, christmas reminds me of the people I can’t be with.
I feel this sadness welling up at me of not seeing certain people open there pressies that I have put love and attention to.
Seeing their faces light up as they catch a glimpse of what’s inside the badly wrapped gift.
A gift brought not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to see that smile, the joy of receiving something hand-picked for them.
All the thought I had put into their gift, shines through that factory made object.
They saw for the first time, that love, friendship and a little of me can really be given.
To me this is what made Christmas magical.
It was the joy of giving, the joy of touching someone deep within their soul.

My sis and I always took special time and thought into our gifts especially for each other.
Maybe the magic of Christmas disappeared when she left this world.
Or maybe it’s that there are no many people left that I can give the thought, love and attention to.
For I have lost the most important people in my life and I guess Christmas now reminds me of not being able to love them, surprise them.
A few remain but for reason I can’t show them, how much they mean to me, through a gift.
A dear dear special friend, I had the honour of giving her a gift, but I so wish I had, had the time to show her through her gift, what she means to me.
Hopefully she already knows and maybe will feel a little glow of warmth when she opens it.

I guess that’s why from somewhere deep inside of me, I decide to make most of my gifts this year.
For some reason that just seemed to me more special than running to the shop and buying something random that you think they may like.
A home-made gift, just felt right this year, I don’t know really why but it did, and no it isn’t to cut costs, it’s really not cheap to make things, but it’s so worth it, the love and respect you put into every single pressie, is worth so much more than that bargain find on the net.

Anyway I have gone off track here.

So what is it about Christmas that is so magical?

I remember the feeling of loving the lights, sparkling with new hope, like little fairies twinkling.
The smell of the Christmas tree filling the room with a joy of running through the forest as a child.
The frosty mornings where the world is alight, fresh and beautiful.
Orange and lemon slices, sherry, chocolate oranges and all those Christmas goodies that are scattered around the home so guests feel welcome.
The smell of baking, the one time of year that we all pull out our cook books and try to be Jamie Oliver, knowing that the first attempt will end up in the bin, but boy we all are determined to cook at least something from scratch.
It really doesn’t matter what you cook it’s the smell that drifts around the home that is really magical even if burnt, that’s the Christmas that will be remembered and laughed at, the year that you burnt everything.
Something so simple will make a fondest memory.
Like the year the cat ate the turkey.
she really did, nothing left apart from bones, at least the cats had a great Christmas, lol)

Doesn’t that sum Christmas up, it’s making memories.
Are not some of your cutest memories ones of Christmas past.
I know some of mine are.

Sitting in my bedroom with my cousin, crossed legged in my bay window, looking up to the sky, hoping that you will see Santa, hours and hours, watching, hoping and believing in magic. Its beautiful really isn’t it.
Or the moment when you hear the sleigh bells ring as Santa arrives by horse and trap into your road.
We would run out and give him money for charity and we would get a candy cane.
That feeling of delight, that you met Santa.
You hold on so tight to your candy, you just can’t eat it, it’s too special.
Well until your brother steals it and eats it. Yes Al I’m talking about you :p

Those little moments stay with you for ever.
I guess that’s really the magic of Christmas.
Love or hate it now, it’s here, why not take a moment to see magic, if only in the faces of others.

I’m sorry.

I wanted to say sorry to you for neglecting my blog.
I know your waiting to hear about last Saturday night and how I got on.
Life is manic at the moment, I don’t seem to get 5 minutes to think.
I have so much to do and so little time.
The story of everyone’s life this time of year, I know.
On top of that the nasty flu bug has hit me and Marly-Kate, so on top of the normal Christmas stress, I still have pressies to make and have to nurse MK and myself.
No sleep, is now getting to us both and it’s not really a happy household.
She normally is my ray of sunshine, who stops me from letting life get on top of me, but she’s lost her glow and joyful ness.
It’s really knocked her for six.
And me if I’m honest.
So I’m sorry for not staying on top of the blog. I promise I will tell all about the last few weeks soon.
Promise.

I need…….

imageAfter the news I received at the hospital yesterday, I really have to lift myself up.
I can feel that I’m on the edge of falling into a black hole, that I know if I fall I won’t come back from it.
Life really is testing me and my inner strength, right now it’s winning, I just can’t cope with any more bad news or struggles.
I can’t handle what lays ahead of me, I’m scared, really scared.
All I can do now is put a positive angle on it and try to use positive thinking as my tool to get through the day.
So here goes…….

It doesn’t have to be January 1st to give yourself a chance to make the most out of your life.
Every day is a new day to learn, grow, develop your strengths and heal yourself. Every day gives you a chance to reinvent yourself, to fine-tune who you are, and build on the lessons you have learned.
It is never too late to change things that are not working in your life and switch gears.
Using today wisely will always help you create a more positive tomorrow.

Let’s see if positive thinking can get me through the day.

That’s why

imageSo those of you that know me, know I have been setting myself challenges to learn, make or just do something new.
I have been doing the best I can and I’ve learnt a few things, made a few things and opened my mind to different ways of thinking ( Dads helped with this one, thanks Dad)
Learning hasn’t always been the easiest for me and if I’m totally honest with you, it’s even harder now, with the meds I’m on.
I get confused and muddle up words. When I do get something, a second later it has gone.
So when I say that I feel a little proud about what I have achieved over the last few weeks, I mean every word.
Life at best is a challenge all on its own, so giving myself new challenges and carrying them out is an achievement to say the least.
When you are battling against pain 24, 7, any one small task you complete is fantastic.
You beat the odds and came out on top.
And so I was asked “Why would you put myself under such pressure, when you are dealing with the unbearable already?”

I couldn’t answer this straight away, I really didn’t have a clue.
I came to me as I started to drift off into a restless sleep.

I challenge myself because I have to.
Because if I don’t I think I would fall so low that there may just not be a way back from it.
I challenge myself because if I sit and let my mind think the thoughts of heartache, heartbreak and loosing my soul mate, best friend and better half, I don’t think I would ever come back from the pain and desperation I feel every moment of every second.
That’s why I have to challenge myself.
I don’t know if you can understand that.

I fight against the pain that cripples my body so that I don’t feel the pain that is a million times worse.
I drive myself to exhaustion because it’s the only way I can cope.
But maybe just maybe through it, I am bettering myself.

I don’t have the answers, all I have is emotions and love.
A love so strong it’s power destroys me, I guess that’s really my challenge, not letting love kill me.