That’s why

imageSo those of you that know me, know I have been setting myself challenges to learn, make or just do something new.
I have been doing the best I can and I’ve learnt a few things, made a few things and opened my mind to different ways of thinking ( Dads helped with this one, thanks Dad)
Learning hasn’t always been the easiest for me and if I’m totally honest with you, it’s even harder now, with the meds I’m on.
I get confused and muddle up words. When I do get something, a second later it has gone.
So when I say that I feel a little proud about what I have achieved over the last few weeks, I mean every word.
Life at best is a challenge all on its own, so giving myself new challenges and carrying them out is an achievement to say the least.
When you are battling against pain 24, 7, any one small task you complete is fantastic.
You beat the odds and came out on top.
And so I was asked “Why would you put myself under such pressure, when you are dealing with the unbearable already?”

I couldn’t answer this straight away, I really didn’t have a clue.
I came to me as I started to drift off into a restless sleep.

I challenge myself because I have to.
Because if I don’t I think I would fall so low that there may just not be a way back from it.
I challenge myself because if I sit and let my mind think the thoughts of heartache, heartbreak and loosing my soul mate, best friend and better half, I don’t think I would ever come back from the pain and desperation I feel every moment of every second.
That’s why I have to challenge myself.
I don’t know if you can understand that.

I fight against the pain that cripples my body so that I don’t feel the pain that is a million times worse.
I drive myself to exhaustion because it’s the only way I can cope.
But maybe just maybe through it, I am bettering myself.

I don’t have the answers, all I have is emotions and love.
A love so strong it’s power destroys me, I guess that’s really my challenge, not letting love kill me.


Mirror, mirror……..

imageThe stranger who stares back from the mirror
Never fails to amaze, and scare me.
Who is this person she’s become?

Life’s experience has taught her so much
And yet she just stares back at me with pain in her eyes.
Has life been so hard on her that she’s become a stranger to me ?

Her eyes no longer look to the future.
All she can do is remember the past.
The present does not matter to her.
The life has gone out of her smile
Her blank eyes have lost their spark
I whisper to her, standing there looking back at me in the mirror
“What do we do now ?”
She just stares back at me and whispers, “All you can do, is never give up hope, that love will show us the way back to where we belong.”

And as a silent tears trickles down her face, we turn away, to hide the pain, we both see, deep within our soul.