Pinterest

imageAs the world has hit an all time high of living their life’s through a computer, YES we are all guilty of this.
The Internet is so very powerful, everything you need at a click of a mouse.
Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Google + have taken the world by storm and we all lose hours if not days staring at posts made by random people as well as friends and family.
But that’s another blog post to come.
I want to talk about Pinterest today as its kinda my biggest time waster but also it has opened up my mind and changed my life in a small way.
I know right, how can it change a life.
Well it can.
It’s a place where I can store ideas, open up my imagination and a space that makes me want to better myself and with a mix of YouTube thrown in for good measure, I have archived that in a small way.
Pinterest has opened a world to me that at this stage in my life has been my saving grace.

Growing up, I was made to feel small, unworthy and just damn stupid, this has affected me more than I released and if I think back, it has left scars so deep I don’t know if I will ever believe in myself fully.
My own self confidence has always been at an all time low, thanks to teachers and parents alike that told me “you are thick, you will never achieve anything”
Those worlds can destroy someone with out you ever knowing it.

So this is where Pinterest comes into play.

There are so many activities on there that you can make, build and learn.

I guess I kinda got into it, when the currant house I live in which going to have a big extension.
I spent hours looking at room designs and I mapped out every room in my house.
I then moved onto the garden, which I even started and enjoyed doing, that’s until next doors fences blow down and destroyed all my hard work, as well as pup digging to Australia.
Roll on spring and maybe if I’m still here I can once again, bring the garden back to life.

As my health is poor and I don’t get out much these days apart from hospital visits, I decided I needed something to do, to keep me from going out of my mind at home.
This proved to be harder than I thought, my low self esteem hit an all time low as I struggled to make or do anything that I wanted to try.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t do it, it’s the fact that I have had it drilled into me, that I couldn’t that held me back.
I really believed I couldn’t.
Something clicked one day and my mindset changed and determination took over, I wasn’t going to be beat.
I worked hard and watched YouTube over and over again until I got it.
I will admit though, at times I wanted to throw everything out the window.
But I didn’t and I finally made something, all by myself.
I was pleased as punch.
I actually made something.
Now my cleaned out cupboards (ready to move) are now filled with fabric, wool, glue, paint boards etc etc.

I have something to take my mind off all the crap in my life and a way to escape life but in doing so I get to see smiles on people’s faces when I make them a pressie.
And to top that, I have found a part of me that I never knew I had in me.
I’ve proved myself wrong and I achieved something that I believed I couldn’t.
That is a great feeling even with the great big hole it makes in my bank account.
But who cares about that when I see the joy on others faces and I feel the pride in my heart.
Thanks Internet, YouTube and Pinterest for opening up the world to me and somehow making my like a little brighter.

You are…..

imageExperience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. Take everything as a lesson learned.
You are the books you read, the films you watch, the people you meet, the dreams you have, and the conversations you engage in.
You are a combination of what you take from these.
You are the sound of thunder, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner.
You embody every experience you have had in your life.
You are every single day, even the bad ones. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge.
Let the experiences run through your veins, and let the lessons grow your mind.

There comes a time…..

imageA time comes in your life when you finally get it… when, in the midst of everything, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out !
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are.
They are entitled to their own views and opinions, isn’t that what our personalities are for after all.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
You learn that negative feelings must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it is not always about you. And you learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.
It’s all about the journey in life and who you love during it.

But most of all……

imageDear our baby bean, I wanted your daddy to hold me when we lost you.
I wanted him to hold me through the pain.
I wanted him to hold me through the times I was so poorly in hospital.
I wanted him to be there holding my head when I woke after surgery.
I needed him to hold me through my results and I needed him to hold me through the last devastating month.
And all I want is to hold him, when he’s had a bad day, a scary day or just a low day but more so on the good happy days, but I could hold him in joy, laughter and pride.
But most of all in friendship and love.
That’s what I miss the most my best friend.

The whole world is a beautiful garden.

imageWhen others are being negative, ignore them.
Don’t let negativity influence you.
Keep in mind that how others see things is rarely the truth.
There are no facts, only interpretations, and it is our interpretations that make us or break us.
If you look at things the right way, you can see that the, whole world is a beautiful garden.
It’s your job to tend to it, and to see and appreciate the roses and not complain because rose bushes have thorns.
Because in the end, the quality of your vision drives the quality of your living.
Train your mind to see the beauty in everything. Positivity is a choice.
The happiness of your life depends on the effectiveness of your perspective.

Is he the one ?

imageThe past few weeks, have been incredibly hard and I have had a lots of time to reflect on my life.
Not because I want to but hearing other life’s being summed up at funerals, it’s made me look long and hard at my own.

What would my family and friends say about me at my own funeral?
What would the highs be of my life?
Who would even come?

Who would be there as I closed by eyes and took my last breath?

Mine and Ross’s dream we to die in each other’s arms 😢
That isn’t going to happen so am i destined to die alone, unloved and unwanted?

It has made me think long and hard about where my life is heading.
Am I really that in love with him, that I’m willing to close the doors in love altogether or am I just to stubborn to move on.

Was/is he really the one?
How can you love someone who hates you?
And how can you love someone who has broken you as badly as he has?

Do I have any control over my heart and feelings?

Is it him that I really love or is it the feeling of being loved that I love.

After hours of trying to sleep but these thoughts playing on my mind, stopping me from falling peacefully asleep.
I gave come to conclusion and yes I do believe he is and always will be the one and only true love.
I can’t ever see my life with anyone else because my feeling run too deep.

When someone is your first thought, you last thought and they haunt your dreams, then their is a reason for that.

It’s not the feeling of love that makes me still love him even if it’s against my better judgement.
It’s the missing of his, eyes, laughter, smile, warmth, it is missing every single thing about him.
It’s the way he made me feel, not only when we were together but apart also.
It’s the way he lit up my world.
It’s the way he completed me.

Ok, ok, I miss him loving me, the way that felt isn’t even explainable.
No words have ever been created to sum that up.
But I can live without that feeling as I know no one will ever make me feel as he did.
What I can’t live without is seeing his eyes light up when he saw me, our body’s melting together as we held hands.
So yes he is the one but not only that, he is the missing part of my soul.
He is the world, the ocean, the sky, the stars, the sun and the universe all wrapped into one.
I believe I will love him to by dying day and beyond.

A beautiful mess.

imageLife isn’t a straight line. There isn’t one right path for you or anyone else. And there isn’t a set timeline of milestones. But sometimes the pressure coming from peers, family, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel completely broken inside.
If we don’t have the “right” job, lifestyle, and so forth, by a certain age or timeframe, we assume we’re somehow broken.
And that’s not true at all.
You’re allowed extra time when you need it.
You’re allowed to backtrack.
You’re allowed to figure out what inspires you at different stages of your life.

Life is meant to be a series of zigs and zags. It should look like a mess, but a beautiful mess.
Mines a mess but not a beautiful mess so my advice to myself when I can’t see the light is
“Whatever situation you’re in right now, just know that it can change if you want it to. It’s up to you. You just have to turn yourself around and take every day as it comes.”

Crashed

imageThe event of my old site being closed down has hit me so hard, I’ve stepped back at least a billion steps and I feel awfully low, at the point that I’m sick of fighting.
Life without him is more unbearable than anyone can ever imagine.
I’m lost, so lost and my heart is way beyond ever being fixed.
The site going down, has for reason unknown to me, ripped my heart out even more.
I don’t understand why???
I know, I know that is so stupid, it’s just a site after all.
But it was my space, my savour.
I can’t explain it but I’m crushed.
I know I’m being over emotional but it meant/means everything to me.
Thank god I backed it up or I would have lost years of not just words but my heart and soul.
And yes I know I have got this badly put together one, but it is not the same.

I know he never reads it, and he doesn’t know that my heart bleeds for him every moment of every day, but that’s not why I write.
I don’t write for him or anyone else.
I write for me.
Every word comes from the heart, every song from my soul and every photo or picture was picked or photograph was picked with meaning.
I’ve lost them all. (Photos/pictures)
It’s like a part of me has been cut away in the most painful way.
If only I could explain how I feel but I know I’m an awful writer but that’s not what it’s about.
I don’t understand why I feel this way, why it has set me back, and left me feeling that I want to give up on life.
But right now, I wish I could close my eyes and fall into an ever lasting sleep.
I have no strength left in me.
With all the hurt and heartbreak and loss, that I and my friends and family have been through already this year, this has made me hit rock bottom and I can’t fight anyone.
I keep telling myself that life will get better, that the pain will go and I will come through this stronger but I really don’t know anymore.
I really don’t and right now I don’t care.

Life story.

imageDon’t be so satisfied with the success stories of others and how things have gone for them that you forget to write your own.

And don’t compare your Chapter 1 to someone else’s Chapter 15.

Unfold your own tale and bring it to life. You have everything you need to become what you are capable of becoming. Incredible change happens when you decide to take control.
This means consuming less and creating more.

It means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking and deciding for you. It means learning to respect and use your own ideas and instincts to write your passage.

If you want your life story to soar to new heights this year, you’ve got to clear a path, reduce the time-sinks and burdens weighing you down, and pick up the things that give you wings.

Keep your best wishes and your biggest goals close to your heart and dedicate time to them every day.

life is yours for the taking, gab it by the balls and kick ass in everything you do.

New blog 😢

imageSo here you are on my new blog.
I know, I know, it’s not looking great but I’m working on it. Hopefully it will look better soon. (As soon as I have the time to make it)

So I’m guessing my domain etc ran out, and I have no way of doing anything to get it back as its in my ex’s name.
If I’m truthful, I’m devastated that I can’t keep it.
I don’t mind paying, but no idea how I go about that, when he wont talk to me.
Thankfully though I back up every now again so I think I have it all back apart from photos and images.

Anyway, Ice Maiden Diaries has a new address
http://www.icemaidendiaries.net

But that comes with a huge kick in the teeth, tears and heartbreak.

I remember the day clearly that he made it for me.
I was so over the moon, we have brain stormed together for a name, picked a theme and then I watched him work his magic.
Got to say it was one of my favourite memories.
It meant the world to me, it really did.

I guess I just have to try and keep those memories alive in this blog.

I hope you will still keep reading and look past the rubbish thrown together site.
It’s what’s written that important at the end of the day ( will have to keep reminding myself of that)

Much love, Rose x