Crashed

imageThe event of my old site being closed down has hit me so hard, I’ve stepped back at least a billion steps and I feel awfully low, at the point that I’m sick of fighting.
Life without him is more unbearable than anyone can ever imagine.
I’m lost, so lost and my heart is way beyond ever being fixed.
The site going down, has for reason unknown to me, ripped my heart out even more.
I don’t understand why???
I know, I know that is so stupid, it’s just a site after all.
But it was my space, my savour.
I can’t explain it but I’m crushed.
I know I’m being over emotional but it meant/means everything to me.
Thank god I backed it up or I would have lost years of not just words but my heart and soul.
And yes I know I have got this badly put together one, but it is not the same.

I know he never reads it, and he doesn’t know that my heart bleeds for him every moment of every day, but that’s not why I write.
I don’t write for him or anyone else.
I write for me.
Every word comes from the heart, every song from my soul and every photo or picture was picked or photograph was picked with meaning.
I’ve lost them all. (Photos/pictures)
It’s like a part of me has been cut away in the most painful way.
If only I could explain how I feel but I know I’m an awful writer but that’s not what it’s about.
I don’t understand why I feel this way, why it has set me back, and left me feeling that I want to give up on life.
But right now, I wish I could close my eyes and fall into an ever lasting sleep.
I have no strength left in me.
With all the hurt and heartbreak and loss, that I and my friends and family have been through already this year, this has made me hit rock bottom and I can’t fight anyone.
I keep telling myself that life will get better, that the pain will go and I will come through this stronger but I really don’t know anymore.
I really don’t and right now I don’t care.

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