I wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.
Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge 😃
And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.
Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.
As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.
I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.
At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)
I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the seas edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stollen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”
How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.
I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.
As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)
Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx