Once upon a time……

imageSometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.
And you are! You are worth it.
Tattoo that right onto your brain..!

The world starts to respond when you believe that about yourself. It doesn’t always look like you thought it would, but positive shifts begin to take place when you start to recognize and acknowledge your own self-worth.

So watch your thoughts and stop any self-deprecating thoughts dead in their tracks. Remind yourself that once upon a time, in an unguarded, honest moment, you recognized yourself as a worthy friend.

We can win this war and we won’t go down without a fight.

imageDon’t forget to wear your hat today for Brain Tumour Research wear a hat day, in memory of our amazing friend Porter and for my lovely mum and cousin who are fighting this devastating cruel illness.
So much money is giving to other forms of cancer, which is a great thing, of course it is, but I feel as other forms of cancer are left in the dark with no public knowledge.
I have fought cancer myself and I know first hand how hard physically and spiritually it is.
I have watch med one of the nicest, kindest, most loving person, be crippled in pain and who then lost his fight for life against brain cancer/tumour.
I have also watched me poor mum win against hers by having the tumour removed only to discover she has another tumour.
Life is very cruel but we can fight back by giving to research and making people aware of the different firms of cancer there are.
Every penny counts, in helping to find a cure for cancer no matter what form it comes in.
Please show your support by wearing a hat today, by letting the world know we will fight against every illness/death sentence there is out there.

We can win this war and we won’t go down without a fight.

Alone

imageI know I have brought it on my self but at times I feel totally alone.
Even with that feeling I still don’t want to put myself out there and see people, talk to anyone or even chat random crap on the phone.
I know over the last year or so I have pushed everyone away, even my nearest and dearest.
I’m a closed book that won’t open up to anyone, not even my family and friends. The walls are higher than ever and if anyone wants to know how I’m feeling or thinking than their first port of call is this blog.

So when did I turn from party animal, the girl who couldn’t be alone or away from friends for more than a few hours?
What changed in me?

I think it’s a case of being scared to open up and get close to anyone.
Maybe I’ve gone so far away from letting people in, it’s to late for me.

The truth of the matter is, I have family and friends who want to be there, they want to hold my hand when I’m sick, hug me when I cry and laugh with me when I laugh.

So why do I keep pushing them away?
Why do I feel I have to face my battles alone?

Have I been hurt so badly that I just can’t face being hurt in any way at all?
I am scared of the judgement from others?

I’ve been wrongly judged by so many over the last two years, I just don’t seem to have the strength to fight that any more.
Along with the life lesson of learning who really cares and who could turn their backs so easily.
I guess it has damaged me more than I knew it ever would.

I know I’m not a bad person, my heart though broken is a kind one and I always am there for who ever wants to unload their problems on my shoulders.
I listen, I truly listen and I’m there when they need me, ALWAYS.
But something in me just won’t let me get close to anyone no matter who they are.

I also believe that if I shut myself off from the world that when my ticking time bomb finally decides not to tick anymore, I want to spare them the pain that I have had for the last few years.
Heartbreak and loss has made my warm heart grow cold and the once melted Ice Maiden has frozen to new levels, leaving me more alone than I have been, even when I’m with people I still feel lost and alone.

But what my heart seems to want to tell me is that I feel alone because I am no longer complete.
My other half, my better half has vanished out of my life leaving me just a shell of the person I was when he was with me.

Forgiveness

imageForgiveness is a constant attitude of choosing happiness over hurt.. acceptance over resistance.
It’s about acknowledging that we’re all mistaken sometimes, sometimes even the best of us do foolish things. But it doesn’t mean we are evil and unforgivable, or that we can’t be trusted ever again.
Know this.
Sit with it.
It might take time to forgive, because it takes strength to forgive.
Because when you forgive, you love with all your might. And when you love like this, a heavenly, healing light shines upon you.
This forgiveness.. true forgiveness brings you to a place where you can sincerely say, “Thank you for that experience,” and mean it with all your heart.
I’ve learnt this since my post Betrayal, I’ve learnt to forgive, it was the hardest thing I have had to do with both parties and it has given me peace in not disliking/hating her, with him, it was easier somehow, I just can’t hate him, I guess knowing the true living soul he is deep down makes it impossible to find it in me to hate him or even get angry, trust me though when I say, “God I want to hate him, confront him” but what good will that do?
The love I feel for him seems to always run deeper than any other feeling.
And I hate myself for that.
Maybe I’m just weak, or maybe I’m stronger because I can’t find it in my heart to hate him.
Wrong or right, I forgive both parties in their parts to play in hurting me to the depths of my soul.
Maybe I’m a foul for letting the light take over the darkness and choosing love and peace or anger and hate.
I guess only time will tell.

Over and over…..

imageI have to keep reminding myself of this today.
Hoping it will work for me, if not hopefully it will for you.

When the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go, it’s time to let go and grow.
In other words, start subtracting… the habits, routines and circumstances that are holding you back.
You cannot discover new oceans unless you build up enough courage to lose sight of the old, familiar shoreline.
Be brave.
Follow your values.
Make changes.
Dare to be different.
And don’t be afraid to like it.

Birthday’s come and birthday’s go………

imageBirthday come and birthday go, we grow older even if we don’t want to. It’s life’s twisted game, one where we have to play along if we want to or not.
So today is my birthday, but to me it really does not hold any meaning, it’s just another day, a day closer to grey hair, wrinkled skin and wise words. It’s a step closer to being patronised and treated like a child until we all draw that last breath.
What the joy in celebrating that?

Maybe my thoughts have changed, because to me, I have had the most important perfect birthday. No other can match that one. I know this from the bottom of my heart and totally believe it.

My 30th was incredible, one of the happiest days of my life.
I was totally in love, happier than I have ever been and nothing or no one can ever match those feelings and memories.

To me now, birthdays are a reminded of how perfect life was, how happy and in love I was and how life has changed.
Ok ok, I’m still hopelessly in love with the same guy but boy my life has changed.
I no longer feel that instance happiness, my eyes no longer sparkle and I live with a complete feeling of nothing but heartbreak.

So today I will let you step back in time to my most wonderful birthday and let you see how incredibly happy, complete and in love I was.

To you maybe it won’t seem like the breath-taking, heart racing moment it was to me, but to me, it was the world in my hands, the happy ending, the sun after the snow and well the icing on the cake.
It was our time, our moment, our love.
It was two beings rolled into one, making every single second count. It was true love, love so bright it lit up the sky’s like fireworks on New Year’s Eve.
It was simply just beautiful in every way possible.

So here goes, my perfect birthday.❤️

Yesterday was my birthday, my first birthday spent with Ross 🙂
We wanted to do some thing a little special and spent quality time together.

We decide on going on a trip to London, so off we go on the train, excited and happy about the day.
Once we arrive, we have an idea of where and what we want to do, the first being Camden Market. Even though I lived in london I have never been.
All I can say is WOW, what an amazing place, that I must visit over and over again.
It’s like a mini Brighton, full of colour, happy smiling people and just chilled.
The streets draw you in, crazy shop front, which capture you as soon as you step foot off the tube.
In all honesty, Camden Market, isn’t really anything special, a little scary in fact, it’s like any other market, selling cheap, knock offs and fake designer clothes, nothing to write home about.

The hard sale is on, with the Market tradesmen, trying it on to get as much money out of you as possible. Walking away proves hard, so be head strong if you go, or you could pay well over the top.
We walk up the road a little and come across the stables.

In the 19th century, a large stable building was built at Camden to look after all the horses, which worked the Locks, it is now, one of the coolest places I have ever seen.
At the Stables Market there is much to appeal to people of all ages and tastes, it’s just damn right awesome.
From the latest in adventurous alternative fashion, through to the best selection of vintage clothing shops in London.
In total around 700 shops and stalls trade there at the weekend.
It also is the home of Cyberdog. We just love Cyberdog.
London Cyberdog blows Brighton’s one out the water. 3 floors of Cyber, is any one’s shopping dreams come true.

Make sure you have loads of money or credit cards with you, you can break the bank here for sure.

After spending a good few hours, walking around the Stables and Cyberdog, we decide to head off the Notting Hill and find Portobello Road.
Portobello Road is a place I have always dreamed of visiting since my childhood.

I pictured it as a dark magical place, and I was hoping that it would live up to the vision I had in my head, after watching bedknobs and broomsticks many times as a child.

All I can say is my dreams were shattered, what an unfriendly bloodcurdling place. Dirty, dull and alarming place, which I will not return to unless I really have to.
I imagined, quaint vintage stalls, well all that I saw that was quaint was a mini pickup truck, the highlight of our time there.
When we finally found the tube station, we were kind of relieved, still smiling and laughing about how much of an eye opener it was.

We head off to Kensington Town, have a gander around the shops and have a walk to find the place of our next adventure to London, hopefully very soon. I won’t give too much away as I am sure to blog about it later.

We arrive in Piccadilly circus, for noodles and coffee and time has ticked away, sadly its time to catch our train home, and we leave the London delights behind us.
massive smiles still on our faces at the delicious day we have spent together.

Now my birthday is over for enough year, but I’m thinking, it will take something extra special to match this one, a phenomenal day, spent with the man of my dreams.
Yep not much can match that.

Don’t be ashamed.

imageNothing is wrong with telling someone else how you truly feel.
Sharing something personal makes you stronger in people’s eyes, and most importantly in your own.
Being able to show the real you when most people would rather hide behind a fake mask is an admirable quality.
So don’t be ashamed to shed a tear.
Being vulnerable only shows that you’re able to face the truth… even the hard truth with dignity.
Open yourself up.
Allow yourself to feel, to be mindful and authentic. Tear down any emotional brick wall you have built around yourself and experience every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.
This is real life.

Burning the candle at both ends…

imageThis morning I read this and a lot of home truths came rolling in.

“You know sleep is very important to a healthy lifestyle. It’s possible that sleep is just as important to the human body as exercise. When you sleep, that’s when the body is doing its maintenance. If you don’t give the body time to do its maintenance then things start to break.”

Sleep and I have the worst relationship, I always wake feeling as if I haven’t slept.
It’s a continues battle between restless sleep and no sleep at all.
It really does take it tole on me, I feel exhausted all the time and my energy levels are at zero.
Ok I get that my condition has a huge part to play in feeling down and out but boy, I feel totally worn out by 9 in the morning.

I often think if my state of mind has a part to play also, I know if I worry that sleep becomes harder, my mind will not shut down and I toss and turn all night.

But what can I do about it?

I don’t eat after 7pm if I can help it and I eat as healthy as I can. ( we can’t be good all the time)

Coffee and tea I won’t touch from around 6pm.

I always try to just sit and either listen to calming music or watch mind numbing television or sometime even meditate for at least an hour before I go up to bed.

I think I’m doing all the right things and still I only master 4 to 5 hours sleep a night if that.
I know this as fact, as my sis brought me a fit bit for Christmas so I can monitor my sleep.
I was kinda disturbed by my results and have no idea what I can do to change it.

Something needs to change or this candle will burn its self out at both ends.

I’m such a lucky mummy, yes I really am. 💐

imageAs I stand here on earth today, I’m so very blessed to be, such a proud mother, for I’m so very blessed and lucky, to have my beautiful baby girl, to cuddle and kiss and comfort her needs, and so much more, to protect her forever and hold her so dear.
I cherish every moment since the day that she was born, I love her unconditionally and that will never change, yes shes a little pickle sometimes but I love her the same, for she is learning all the beauty that life has to show her.
I will be here for her to help guide her, staying right by her side
I’m such a lucky mummy, yes I really am, my princess means the world to me and even when life’s not been very kind, she has had great courage, strength and bravery, for that no words can describe.
Thank you to my beautiful daughter, I love you millions and trillions, to the moon, the stars and back again xxxxx