Maybe it’s the holiday blues kicking in or total exhaustion from way over doing things and trying to keep up with my baby girl but that high mood that I was so enjoying seems to have done a turn and I have come crashing down to earth with an almighty bang.

I wish I could understand why our mindset or moods, feelings, emotions can change within seconds?
Why do I feel so useless, worthless and dull?
Why is it life once again is an effort, that I can’t master the energy to take control and turn it around when that is all I want to do.

I just want to be happy.

Is it that deep down I know I can never be as complete, happy and content as I was when I was with Ross.
Is he the reason, I just can’t seem to stay on top.
I know that life will never be the same, feel the same and if I’m honest I don’t want to ever feel that again because what completed me, destroyed me.

How can life ever feel that good when I have lost my soul mate, the love of my life but most of all my best friend.
God I miss the hours on end that we sat chatting, or just looking into each others eyes.
I don’t know how I am ever meant to get over losing the one person who made me feel on top of the world.

It’s not only him I miss, God I miss his wonderful mum, I miss our chats over morning coffee, I miss the way she made me feel more at home than even my own family do.
I miss her energy. I really do miss her.
I also miss his little sis, her cheeky grin, our little chats about random things.
Up until I first walked into their home, I had never felt how they made me feel.
It was like I came home.
Silly I know, but it truly did.

I’ve been trying so hard to not let him control my thoughts but WHY is it when you are trying your up most to forget that everything is set out to remind you.

From songs on the radio, movies on the television, articles that come on my feeds, pics that flash up on my screen saver ( ones that I had removed from the folder, strange but true)
It’s almost like I’m not allowed to forget, to move on.

I just wish I had the answers, I wish I could get the answers to the million and one questions that dance around in my head.
Each one its own little torture.